Lord,
Give Stacey the strength to keep pressing on. don’t let her give up. Allow her to surrender completely to you. May she make it through the day and night grateful that she was sober for another day. We pray this in Jesus’ name. Amen.
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Trigger warning:
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Kev my anxiety is getting overwhelming. A friend I’ve been texting knows where to get a clonazepam for me. Obviously not legally. Will it count as a relapse if I ask for just one? I have an emotion and anxiety disorder and usually I have some lorazepam on hand for emergencies, but my anxiety settled to a manageable level for a few months and I use skills instead of needing the medication. It hasn’t been up this high for a while so I dont have anything to help atm. I see my doctor on Monday so I can ask then. But I just want to know if it counts as a relapse. Cause I’ll have to reset if it does. I feel like I medically need it but because it wasnt from my doctor so will it count as a relapse? I’d only get 1 ofcourse.
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Stacey, are you ok!
Have you thought about talking to a doctor about this?
Maybe get some prescribed anti- depressants?
I’m on a very low dose SSRI to help with my anxiety and it really has helped.
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Hi Swam! Good to see you online.
-Tough love alert-
Did you ever think about clinical recovery.
Because of the other issues which seem to get you to do things that aren’t in your best interest really.
I really think it might be an idea if you surrender and accept that doing This in your own surrounding with friends who can and will supply you isn’t the safest place to get clean and calm.
In that last post your addict mind is negotiating and asking permission from a fellow addict to use non prescribed Benzos. In your right mind you know that is not a healthy thing. And asking a fellow to agree on it… That should be enough of an alarmbell to stay away from it.
We are not doctors leave the decision to them.
Think about it but don’t panic it is merely a suggestion.
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Today has just been a rough day…so many things went wrong and it’s almost 3am and I’ve had like Quetiapine but I’m still awake like awake awake…farout…i dont even know. I ended up taking the clonazepam and it has lowered my anxiety to a point where I’m not hysterical but i am craving my DOC so bad right now…
This is why I use…like I cant handle my life being like this anymore. Like all the effort I have means nothing…all the skills I learned in DBT arent enough…I’m burnt out from tryna do the next right thing because of my mental disorders and my doctors arent listening to me…probably because I’m just shit at explaining myself…I mean figuring myself out in any given moment is hard enough as it is…they are supposed to be the professionals…anyway…all the talk about life being better sober…sometimes I just feel like being sober makes me see myself as the mess I am with no one to see how hard it is or how hard I try to be a better person. I feel like they’re not listening to me. Like I’ve been in therapy for almost 3 years because my past trauma kinda messed me up real good. I’ve tried so many times…so many times …to be a better version of myself and I just cant do it by the looks. Maybe I’m just too damaged. Atleast I’m sober though right?..
Checking in at day three…yay… *insert sarcasm…
Peace my people
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Thanks for your support. x I’ll have a look at these.
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Thanks for your support. x
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Well I took one so I guess another reset is on the cards. Thanks everyone for your support. I wasnt asking permission. Its okay. I’ll reset…I should’ve yesterday when I ate tons of cereal because of how i was feeling. Sorry for letting you guys down. I’ll head offline now and try find something to do…clean or something. Thanks again everyone.
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That’s a good sign of withdrawal. Don’t give up now. If you do, you’re only delaying the inevitable. I’ll say it again.
It’s easier to keep the heart clean than to clean it after it’s been defiled.
Those that do not love the Lord will not help me serve the Lord. And those that do not love recovery will not help me do recovery.
It should be a violation of your personal boundaries to seek help from a friend that’s going to assist you in getting drugs illegally.
One is too many, and a thousand is never enough.
@Swam, never delete this post. There is so much to learn about your addiction here. In fact, share it with your NA meeting and ask for feedback. Because you’re gonna need to create a sober plan to get you through those moments of unclarity that you’re experiencing.
@anon12657779, @ThajokerNL, @Jane.c
Great shares. Thanks for replying. When Stacey posted, I was getting my beauty sleep. 
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Yep thanks for your support.
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P.s it wasnt another addict I was talking to. Just a close friend who suffers from anxiety who asked if I needed one to get through the night. I’ve had it before but I cant see my doctor til Monday. I guess I should’ve…I dna…just said no thank you and sat it out and risked it and hoped for the best. So I reset. I guess I’ll check back in tomorrow on day 1.
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Remeber this post swam 
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Yep thank you
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“see myself as the mess I am”
Yes… but that - that’s ok, Stacey. More than that, it’s your natural state. It’s all of us. We’re all a mess. And it’s beautiful. A beautiful mess:
We’re all mixtures of desires and aversion, love and hatred, hunger and revulsion. And then we make decisions, and we act in the world. We’re a web. We don’t understand ourselves sometimes. Us addicts, we have escaped for a time into our addictions. Eventually, we get tired of using. We say, I want to be my sober self. And we work it, one minute at a time.
You’re ok Stacey. You’re perfectly imperfect. Pick yourself up after this reset and try again. Try again. Try again. God I know all kinds of people in my life but people in recovery are, no question, the stubbornest, most persistent people I know. They will climb any mountain, fall down, and climb it again. When you persist, when you throw your full self into recovery, without carving away little escape routes, you will get there.
There’s lots of good advice in this thread. @ThajokerNL is right on about an inpatient program; one of my friends is doing that right now because he found in his life at the moment, there are too many built-in places and times to relapse (check www.findtreatment.gov). @anon12657779 too - and seeing a doctor about the anxiety is right - I saw a doctor about my ADHD and it has had a significant positive impact on my recovery. @Jane.c is right about that self-care, finding spaces to sit in your emotions, see them come and go, join a yoga class or a creative arts space or literally anything that is about living your life, not running from it. And @KevinesKay is right (and you too) that recovery means we need help. Sometimes Divine, sometimes from our fellow humans, sometimes both. We need to be together with other people to be our whole, engaged, sober selves. We need places we can have our emotions soothed healthily by people who care for us. We need places to celebrate, to grieve, to share pain and loss and fear. We need non-judgmental empathy (not necessarily advice, just empathy) to live, the same way we need water and food. (I am not kidding. The big lie that keeps us in addiction is thinking we’re the one that’s going to just pick ourselves up and do it by ourselves. It’s just not true.) And that empathy is something we give and receive from healthy people with us on life’s journey.
Where can you go to connect with some supportive people Stacey? Where is the nearest place that is recovery focused? Are there groups near you? When is the next one? Many are free, just show up - check out this list:
You’re a good person Stacey. You’re worthy. You matter. 
Looking forward to hearing about your next step 
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Thank you @Matt.
I’m just all over the place to be fair. But hopefully will keep in the right direction.
Thank you so much for all the effort you put into me. X
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In my other thread I had a big rant because I was really upset. Dont need to like rehash it all up but yeah. I was really anxious (I have an anxiety disorder) and alongside my PTSD with like 0 anything in my system I started to feel some of those symptoms sitting ready to come out like the flashbacks and stuff and I honestly thought talking to a friend with anxiety might help and then telling her i was tempted to get high and trying to avoid it and then her offering one of her anxiety meds (which I’ve never had a problem abusing), plus already two days prior making a doc appt first thing Monday, I thought I was doing the right thing. I worked for a whole year getting off all my meds cause I hate taking pills, so I guess she was right in that I put all the weight on my ego and what others were assuming rather than just doing my next right thing and putting weight on that. I was wound up for so many reasons too it became crazy and I have so many bad things that come out of that headspace (when sober) I just felt really dismissed and attacked and that the wrong things being heard made it so much worse and I just felt no one actually understood where i was at which again made it worse. There were alot of things. But I’m back on the horse and that’s all that matters. So thank you for trying to help and the suggestions you made. I will definitely consider them. X
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Checking in on day two…before last night the two days before I had a total of 5 hours between the 2 days. And sooooo I used some sleep aid (vitimins) and my 2 prescribed quetiapine, which I also did the two days before…but last night it actually worked and I missed church…which sucks…BUT I had the most solid sleep ever and I’m feeling good!
Checking in at 2. Grateful for another sober today! Thanks everyone for your support! @Jane.c @KevinesKay @ThajokerNL
I know I was short and had a rant about my feelings in the other thread but it changes nothing. Family is family and sometimes things get heated but the love is always there. That’s what unconditional means! So love you guys! And thank you @Dolse71 for talking me down.
Today is a glad day!
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I’m just glad you’re still here. And you’re not giving up. Some of us have a few bumps in the road during this journey. I know I have.
And @Dolse71 does have a way with words doesn’t he? he’s been a huge asset to TS.
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Oh no! I thought @Dolse71 was a lady my bad!!! I also just noticed in the @ suggestions showed “paul” next to it haha Sorry @Dolse71
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Checking in @ 510 days Sober!
Life is Good.
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