Do you read much?
Hiii Stace
Today I am on 1 Yr 1 mnth 11days
And I feel bored 
I call it the recovery blues.
I am content not using but life is really meh.
There is a good thing coming my website is almost done. I aspire to go back to my profession and hope to get the change to school myself onnre integration, to give back to the recovery community, since I’m hella thankful for what i have gained.
I do crave intimicy, and I think that adds to the blues, somewhat lonely feel has creeped up on me from time to time.
I am chairmen at a meeting and also alt GSR on another. So I do my service I have 2 sponsees who i work the steps with and I arrived at step 9 and I am not looking forward to that to be frank.
So all and all I feel I should be content with my life as if, but the addict in me wants more… I guess that might be one of my symptoms.
Thnx for calling me in here. I tend to lose touch since my local fellowship is sturdy, made some great friends over the past year.
My son is turning 4 in 2 months from now and then he is going to elementary school. Looking forward for him he seems ready to.
You work your goals and have an another 24 not caving in 
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Awwwww he’s beautiful!!! I totally get what you mean about the intimacy! I am at 37 days so thats great but todays been tough. A few things weighing me down. But I am so grateful to have over a month again. I just need to keep at it. We had a pretty intense meeting yesterday. Some people sharing and laughing about using and I dont like that because while I can relate I dont think things like that are funny. I miss having a sponsor. I feel abit abandoned. But j need to qork recovery for recovery. So ill keep soldiering on!
So good to hear from you!! And glad ur doing well!!!
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#TRIGGER WARNING 
So the day before yesterday I was feigning like a mad person. I had an AWFUL week and I was feeling so overwhelmed. For some reason I had it in my mind I wanted to inject something (ive never done that before). It was like an obsessive thought in my mind that wouldn’t leave me alone. Thankfully a friend stayed with me and helped ground me and keep me out of trouble. If it wasn’t for him I would be writing a message of regret. Obviously in hindsight I’m like WHAT WERE YOU THINKING STACEY!!! But at the time I didn’t care, not about the dangers or the consequences or the fact its a bad idea. So today I am grateful for that friend who spoke some sense into me and helped me get through the night.
Sorry if this was triggering i just needed to vent!
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Staying connected is the key right… And that thought proves to me how progressive our disease is and that alone we don’t stand much of a chance. Good for you being in touch. I did suggest this a while back when you were in active use, but have you considered an inpatient treatment. Somehow I strongly feel that might benefit you. I feel as if you are white knuckling it rather then building towards a new way of living.
No judgement stace just my gut feeling.
Might I ask, what program do you attend?
In NA (Netherlands) using is never glorified.
And if one would do that I as a chairman would ask them to refrain from such language.
Please take care I ain’t online a lot but I think of you never the less
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I do think I was qhite knuckling for a while. But not so much anymore. Ive really built alot of things up in the last few months but my mental health has at points got in the way, like unavoidable things around triggers and my PTSD but I’ve gotten alot better at using skills instead of unhelpful behaviors but there are those moments things get too overwhelming and i resort to old habits. I cant help that thoughts enter my mind but i can help what i do about it. And I have become much better at reaching out when those thoughts are more frequent. I am proud of myself for what I’ve achieved through work and church and even my home. I have alot to be thankful for. And I 100% know that life not using is the only life worth having, but I cant help those moments of intense emotions sometimes cause u helpful thinking and because of my mental health I will never be fully free from it but I can definitely keep working at being free from acting out thats for sure.
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Wath a bomb off self-love thank you for sharing this
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Sometimes I am so quick to point out all my flaws and struggles. And I guess I dont point out any of the good very often. I need to change that lol
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I do a rule with my wife that if we have something negative in our mind, we can’t say it until we say two specific, meaningful things that we appreciate about the other person. I find that really helps to defuse potential escalations of negative feelings. Do you think you can do something like that with yourself?
What are some specific, meaningful things you appreciate about yourself and what you did today?
Hmmm what do I appreciate about myself?..so like I say the negative thought out loud but first say two meaningful things?
Uhm what i appreciate about myself…uhm im 52 days weed free?
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That sounds good! I’ll add another one: you hold yourself accountable. You have goals & principles and you work to live up to them.
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You seem to be a warm and caring soul as well if I may add to the equation.
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Thank you 
Thank you for the suggestion lol in a weird way its prevented me from self criticizing because I don’t wanna have to think if something nice 
Hi everyone. (TRIGGER WARNING!)
Checking in at Day 83. Its an early start for me. I needed the toilet at 6.30am so I decided to just stay up and try get more productive things done today. Its been a rough couple weeks, a REALLY close friend of mine committed suicide about 2 weeks ago. My heart is so heavy at the moment. BUT although my first instinct was pick up, I didn’t. I’m still off my DOC, 83 days now, vaping is next on the list, and I’m feeling hopeful. I got some scary news about my health which has been bothering me but I found an amazing new GP who I think is really going to be in my corner. My home is tidy, I’m alive and God’s grace is truly sufficient for me. Something thats been on my mind has been this idea of rewiring my brain to approach things with a different attitude. I read something that said “be transformed by the renewing of your mind” that’s what all this work is for. Renewing my thinking; choosing to make better choices, being proactive about what I watch and listen to, choosing to hold onto my faith and God and those closest to me instead of isolating, choosing to put one foot in front of the other instead of crawling into a ball in my bed and never coming out, choosing to fill my mind with things that are positive and constructive instead of things that hold me down. This life is tough, but the pain and suffering of this world is nothing compared to what my eternity with Christ will be like. So today I’m choosing to keep taking the next step, to just do the next right thing and trust that God has a plan for my life and even when things are difficult, the work in recovery is still worth it
Love you all,
Have a great day
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That sounds great. I cannot find any trigger in that but maybe I am just ignorant. Anyway, really cool. Keep on going 
Hi everyone,
Popped in my mind to check in. I’m on day 107 (exact number 106.61). I’ve had a rough time the last few weeks. A close friend ended her life and it had a toll on me, but I did not use my DOC. I’m so grateful that God has strengthened me in a time of trial. He has given me comfort and grace so as not to rely on my usual quick fix. Emotions can be raw and hurt and it can feel like the world is weighing down on your shoulders l, but using is not the answer. A quick fix to numb the pain does not work long term and can make matters worse. I know temptation is not done with me, but I am done with it. Addiction is like that toxic needy friend that manipulates, lies and consumes all your energy. Its not worth it. Life is worth living. People are worth loving. And most of all God is worth trusting. This life will have many more trials to throw at me, but I know in my heart that using is not the solution. I love you all and you are in my prayers. Keep keeping on beautiful people.
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Good to see you Swam! Blessings & peace 
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I’m very sorry for your loss Stacey. I’m really proud of the way you’re handling it though. You’re right, a quick fix will never work long term. Sitting and allowing yourself to just feel all those feelings is much healthier in the long run. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
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Thanks everyone for your support and kind words! I heard something today: The Lord God is a God of second chances. Moses was a murderer and God used him, Paul was a prisoner and God used him, David was an adulterer and God used him. We are all addicts and God can use us. He does use us. We love one another and support one another and care for one another. I have come to believe that in the worst of trials Jesus can empathize with me and is with me in my pain. I have fallen many many times. And God can use me. I want to tell anyone who is willing to hear it that no matter how many times you have fallen, or what your past holds, Jesus Christ changes lives. He has changed mine and changes it more and more each day. No matter how many times I fall he is right there to pick me up. I have cried tears of real pain for alot of my life and I am so grateful that God has brought me through it, not everyone’s story ends that way. Its never to late to consider your life and see where its heading, and to make the choices that are healthy instead if damaging. I know not everyone will consider the love of Christ and the glory of God but God can use anyone no matter their past. Think about it, thats all I ask. Its worth the thought. I love you all dearly and I pray that you guys have an amazing day or night wherever you are in the world.
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