Yes Stacey, weāve all been there with that self doubt.
I never dreamed I could get sober 2 years ago. My wife suggested I did sober months with her and I would laugh.
The biggest thing was believing that I could. Itās not easy which is why we do this one day at a time. Not thinking about the future!
Get through each day sober and believe that you can do it!
The more you do the stronger you get.
Put sobriety right in front of everything else in your life! At least until you feel strong enough, and you will know when that is.
With regards to external help, I would suggest that you did so something. The urge to not go is the same part of your addict brain that is telling you that you canāt do this.
You have to show that part of you that you can and defeat it. Whatever it takes, itās a full time job. No half measures, or you will be back here again.
Hi Swam,
I a scrolling to your post.
And what might be an idea is to watch the
āRoadmap to recoveryā it is on this forum when you search you will find it.
You are blaming yourself for being ill right?
Iām wonderingā¦ If you have the flue do you batter yourself over that?
āWe have an illness it is incurable and it is called addictionā Accepting that helped me so much.
I am responsible for how I treat my illness rather then for having it.
NA or AA is the accountability you might be looking for. Surrender yourself to the fact that what you have tried doesnāt work. So surrender to a group of people with the same illness and some have treated it and some are going true the same proces you are in.
Be kind to youā¦ Take care of youā¦
Good luck Fella!
You guys are all too good to me. 
I faltered Cristel.
Please donāt feel this way
If I am to good for you I am to good for me.
We are all alike.
Just now getting back on here after Thanksgiving with the family. Sorry to hear this @anon79808082 
Wanna talk about it? Are you ok now? Sending you a big hug 
Letās just get back on track ok?
Thanks sweetie; not sure where to go from here but Iām good. Seriously, Iām not banging just a few. I thought of you thoughā¦
How was the dinner? Mustāve been hard without your fil.
It was nice to be with my MIL and some friends. My girls behaved so that was good.
I canāt even imagine what you deal with. My son was a shit in his early 20s but I managed. It sucked. No one to help me. Jail etc.
My girls are really big hearted and mostly good kids. They just seem to have a lot of emotional baggage at early ages and have inherited some of my mental health issues. It could be better but It could be so much worse. Iām usually more emotionally drained than anything with them. But I love 'em.
Iām so tired of the struggle ay. I know itās bad but I feel so defeatedā¦
It is not bad, it is normal that you feel like this.
You use the word defeatedā¦ I just stopped fighting that civil war and just surrendered before I really started losing all.
Hate to be a bitch about this but have you gone to AA or NA by now? Please give it a change since you have been on this forum for 2 years and today you say you feel defeated. Then it might be time you give up your weapons. Cause when I ask you the following question there is only one answer really.
Can you keep your sobriety by yourself?
I 100% cant. So I sent them an email to see if I can come along to a meeting 
. 2 yearsā¦so hopelessā¦
Youāre not hopeless! Youāre on here and you havenāt given up! Thatās awesome. I agree with @ThajokerNL that it may be time to try a meeting. So Iām glad you reached out to them. I didnāt want to go at first either but Iām glad I finally did.
Iāve been a member of TS longer than you. I started SAA in 1995 and I still havenāt got it all together yet. But Iām not hopeless, and neither are you.
Iām terrified tbh
Everyone is so strong and sometimes I feel strong like I can fight it. But most of the time I just feel scared and alone. And I know logically Iām not. My brain has all the right answers but I dont actually believe them sometimes
Stacey,
I see you had some long clean times over the past couple of years. So have I.
For me, although I was doing a lot of things right, God has used my relapses over the years to show me what I need to improve.
One of those lessons for me was to understand that Iām not strong. I am weak. Thatās okay. God wants me to lean on Him. The apostle, Paul, makes a reference to his weakness when he writes about his thorn in the flesh to the Corinthian church. Ultimately, he writes
And He said to me, āMy grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.ā Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christās sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong. - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2Corinthians12:9-10&version=NKJV
So then I had to accept that no longer this idea that I had things under control was going to work anymore. I thought it was working before, but it was Godās grace that was making up for my deficiencies and keeping me sober.
Sobriety means nothing to God. He wants me to be sensitive to His will at whatever cost.
Donāt assume that just because something seemed to work in the past, that it will continue to work in the future. When one is reseting habitually, itās time to listen to Godās coaching, direction, and instruction.
Iāve learned a lot of lessons this way.
I guess what Iām trying to get at is that maybe God is trying to show you that you cannot do this alone. That youāre weak and you need help. Itās okay. Go get help. I know itās hard to show up at an NA meeting. If it was easy, you would have done this a long time ago. But if nothing changes, nothing changes.
I donāt feel strong at all. I feel like Iām barely making it every day. But I keep going. One day at a time. You donāt have to be so strongā¦ You just have to keep going.