Hello there,
I am a mother of 3 children…
For the first 2 children I started off as a productive, hard working, and respectable young mother…when the job I had for 4 years went out of business I was placed into a new role and a completely new environment that I was unfamiliar with…I did my best to adapt to country life and raising my 2 oldest children…long story short: I got overwhelmed and I chose to use and drink to cope with negative feelings…
My 3rd child was born in 2017 and the feelings of being overwhelmed and inadequate grew within me…it must have reflected on the outside for my significant other was not coming home as often…so to cope with loneliness and no me time I drank more and more…I let it get out of control up until recently May 31st 2021 the last day I drank or did any substance abuse. I rolled my significant others truck because I made a horrible decision to operate a vehicle while impaired…I had my 2 younger child in that vehicle with me…I blacked out and I lost control rolling into the ditch leaving our home…I am grateful everyday I see my 2 children and never want to repeat history…I attend OPT (outpatient treatment 3 days out of the week for 3 hours each day) I am learning so much about myself, my feelings, and how to healthily process situations and move forward. So 5 months & 13 days into my ever lasting journey of sobriety…but I feel alone…all over again…I am trying to be patient and understanding about my Significant others own pace of sobriety but allowing him to quit when he is ready…my significant does still smoke Marijuana, he has drink in the garage, and uses (my drug of choice: uppers)…I keep my distance from him alot of the time since he is home more now after my accident…
He tells me he is proud of me being so strong to be sober…and he is sorry he’s not strong enough to be along side me in my journey but he reassures me he is planning on joining me…
I don’t know when…
I don’t know what to think…
Alot of the time I don’t know how to feel…
I want us to be better beings together but something deep down in me tells me to “stop acting like you need someone else along with you…your doing this to better yourself for you, for your children, for your future…stop worrying about leaving him behind…”
I am so conflicted within myself all the time…
But I do know that my sobriety has brought me closer to myself and my children…and that makes me the most happiest.
Im so sorry you’re going through this.
I had to make this exact same harsh decision, but when my Child found a dirty needle in the bathroom window track, I knew that it wouldn’t be long until they would be at risk of harm in 2012, while I was going through chemo.
The following day I went to the real estate to secure a safe place to go to. He’d picked up our toddler on his way home and when I got home, I found him on the nod, and the toddler leaning out of the second story window.
Enough was enough and I packed our bags for 4 children and drove away.
I had supported him through rehab and therapy, however he never was able to find his path, nor attempted to see our children.
For him he couldn’t face his demons, and unfortunately passed away from drug related circumstances on Christmas Day 2018.
What type of life do you want for you and your children?
If this is pushing you to the brink of relapse, is that what you want for your kids to grow up exposed to as normal?
It’s a tough decision, and one that only you can make.
Welcome Cassandra! I hope you’ll stick around in this community for support. Many of us on here are working on our sobriety with a spouse that is not or were in that situation at one time. We get the pain and loneliness. I’m only at 40 days but the conflict of our paths diverging has caused quite a bit of stress in my 40 year marriage. You’d think after 40 years we’d be bullet proof, yes? Nope. You and I have no control over anything but ourselves. What our partners choose to do or not is not on us. Focus on the path in front of you. Protect your sobriety and the future you and your children deserve.
Thank you for taking the time to read…and finding your own way to reach out with your own life story. I wasn’t sure what kind of response I would get being this my first post.
I appreciate your honesty with me despite not knowing me…
Your story is insightful and very scary situation to come home to but I am inspired by your strength and courage to do what needed to be done for you and your children. (moving 4 kiddos I can only imagine how hard that must have been to follow through with)
I fear that he won’t be ready…I am fearful I might have to make this same hard decision…
I am sending you nothing but good vibes
I am truly grateful to have read your words.
Thank you for taking the time to read my first post…I have had this app since the end of August trying to find ways of strength and support on my off times away from group. I love the daily quotes I receive each day. Some are better than others it took me about a month though to go along with Journaling I am not much of a diary gal…but I found its helpful to have somewhere I can express my thoughts and feelings of each day to leave them there and move on. I wish I had this app from the very first day of my sobriety journey.
You say “only” but 40 days is a big start of a long commitment. I applaud you madame you are doing great I believe.
40 years of marriage is something I want to be able to say I find that so precious to be able to have so much dedication.
My significant other and I are high school sweethearts…he has had my heart since I was 17 and I am 28 this September…forgive my mooshiness. Back to the subject at hand.
Did you and your husband make it through?
Do you both still communicate?
Do you and your husband have children together?
I am just curious if It’s possible to make it through as a team or if I am just having hopeful thinking and wishing…
You are right I do need to focus on my future and my childrens…
I am sensitive about leaving because I was raised by my mom alone and I knew my real dad till I was 7 and we moved away due to my father fighting his own addiction…I don’t want to leave him behind…I worry that even if I didn’t hold it against my mother for leaving my dad and moving us away…that it is a possibility that my children will forever hold it against not trying everything I could to make it out all together…
I could just be overthinking too…
Thank you again for being supportive and encouraging with me even if I am new to this group. I do appreciate your words
I know it is challenging with a partner who still uses and also the questions of if or how we continue in relationship as our sobriety becomes our new normal. These are hard questions and very individual decisions for what is best for us and our families.
Over the years, this question comes up a lot, so I put together a few of the threads to give folks some different opinions and experiences to read. Reading about others who had spouses who still drank helped me a lot in my early recovery.
Hey Cassandra,
Great big congratulations on your 5 months and 13 days. That’s huge! It’s sounds like you got some great motivation to stay sober. And you get to be grateful every day you get to still love your children.
My wife and I drank for years. 38 of the last 40. I’m coming up on 2 years sober now. And I’m loving it. She still drinks. And to tell you the truth. I’m very lonely sometimes. Especially in the evening. But I’ve learned to be grateful for the time I do have with my wife. Before she falls asleep on the couch with her wine. I’ve had tons of experience having loved ones that are addicted. Both my kids are recovering addicts. I’ve learned a lot of great tools from
Al-Anon when my life became unmanageable when my kids were in active addiction. Now I get to dust off those tools and use them again.
Like @TigerMatriarch and quite a few others on here. You are not alone.
I even started a thread if you feel like reading. Join in when you’re comfortable.
The reality is we didn’t cause it.
We can’t cure it.
We can’t control it.
It can be very hard at times. I’m not giving up my sobriety. And my happiness cannot depend on whether or not my wife is drinking.
I hope to see you around.
I applaud you for making a decision to see the change. It is sometimes hard when one person in a relationship makes lifestyle changes, no matter if it’s addictions, losing weight, exercising, etc. Sometimes the other one is supportive & sometimes the relationship dies. I wish you nothing but the best!
Thank you for taking the time to read my post…as I am sure you have read I wasn’t sure what responses I would get to my share.
Thank you for the support on my soberity…it truly does feel like I am relearning to live…so each day I do have to thread careful with my actions and reactions…
Thank you for sending me reading material I do find it encouraging to know others have dealt or may still be dealing with the similar situation as myself and I find it so helpful to read how others have handled their struggles and would hope others wouldn’t mind if I try to apply it to my daily life or as my solution to a troubling situation…
My relationship with my husband was founded on drinking and using drugs together, so it has been quite an adjustment for us both. Always happy to share my experiences, as I know I found great inspiration and information from others on here when I first got here. It is all a learning experience for everyone.
I do know for myself one very important thing has been to keep my focus on MY sobriety. To lead by example in some ways. To allow my husband to be where he is at. He has been so gracious over the years with all my shit…offering him the same (or more!) grace in his journey is the least I can do.
Thank you for taking the time to read my first ever post…not going to lie I was hesitant and unsure but like you and others keep telling me I am not alone on my journey and it feels good to feel united.
Your life experience share is encouraging that I can make it through with my significant other weather or not he joins me on my journey…
2 years is such a triumph so I feel empowered I can make it there too…(I’ll be grateful to hit my one year first and I will be definitely be telling the community on here about it) I have never felt so clear minded…it does feel good but I wont lie it is a daily struggle…methamphetamines are my drug of choice and I rebounded to drinking…neither are beneficial when taking care of children and maintaining a structured home…it took me too long to realize that. I enjoy the feeling of feeling rested and having my own natural energy back…but to be honest both are always in the back of my mind taunting me…
Do you have a link possibly for al-lon meetings or any material?
I will definitely be checking out your threads you sent to me thank you for taking the time to send them.
Sending you and your family nothing but good vibes
Thank you for taking the time to read my share…I appreciate you taking time to send me good vibes I hope for nothing more than for us to make it through. “To infinity and beyond I always tell him” but I will always have the reality in my background that if it’s not meant to be I must keep going for myself and my kiddos.
I think you already know the answer to what you have to do it’s just hard to actually go through with these kinds of things. I went thru this with my ex we had 1 child together and he was never sober once the worst part though was probably that he would lie about it. I got clean twice for 30 days but I’d always relapse and it was always because I had him around and it’s hard to stop doing drugs and constantly being with someone who does drugs especially if they’re not even trying to get clean. After that last time I relapsed I left him completely and it was honestly the best choice I could have made. I missed him at first but we deserve to put ourselves and children first now years later I’m glad I made the choice I did to leave him and you will be too. Right now your starting to realize what you need to do that’s the first step actually leaving him will only come when you’re ready. Best of luck
It took me a few meetings before I found one I like.
Like I said. My life was unmanageable I had to find something for me. Eventually I found one for parents of addicted kids. And it was perfect. I actually looked forward to going every Thursday night.
I definitely can relate to that…drugs were a big part of our free time before having our children…unfortunately I strayed off finding something more harmful and potent that he had to deal with losing me to twice then losing me to the bottle…if I didn’t have a family to embrace me at my worst nor a home to come back to I don’t know if I would be here today…
I do find your way of thinking very helpful and I will be cautious but I think I shall use that same graciousness with him while still making sure my boundaries are respected. I am a passive communicator so I might need some practice…
Thank you for taking time to read my share…
I am scared that leaving might be the solution…
I was raised by my mom alone…I missed my dad everyday and never understood why he wasn’t around anymore…she finally told me when I was 14 and had my first drug experience (Marijuana) I never held it against her for leaving but I do always wish I would have had a choice in making him apart of my life or to not allow him to be apart of…I think of my 3 kiddos everytime and I want to protect them but I also want to be fair to them and give them an opportunity to make that choice…am I wrong for thinking that way?
Am I just wanting something I couldn’t have as a kid…do you think? I am so unsure…I do know leaving is my last resort that I don’t want to reach…but please don’t think of me as ungrateful to your response…I am grateful you took the time to care and encourage and empower me in the way you know best.
My husband and I are very much together and very committed to each other. We’ve been together since high school too. We have 2 children and 3 grandchildren. Not that it’s easy right now. In fact, it’s been incredibly hard being on such different paths. If I have any control over what happens, and sometimes we don’t, we will be together until death do us part. I know it’s possible because their are several people in this community that have told me they have made it work under similar difficult circumstances.
I think it is possible to make it through as a couple with our partners but we must remember, we are not a team with our partners right now. That makes our job WAY harder. Harder but not impossible. You aren’t overthinking it. It’s natural to be concerned with your relationship. You love him. Your situation is complicated further by needing to worry about the welfare of your children. My kids are grown and on their own. The best thing you can do right now is focus on fixing you. Do everything you can to stay sober. It’s going to be a long hard path for both of us but we can do it.
it took me about a month though to go along with Journaling I am not much of a diary gal…but I found its helpful to have somewhere I can express my thoughts and feelings of each day to leave them there and move on. I wish I had this app from the very first day of my sobriety journey.
