@Dazercat Eric I want to kiss you I’m so touched you made this thread. You couldn’t have known. I’ve been thinking about making it myself for a long time. Well, a few months. Shame kept me from it. I am going to say it now even though I’m not sure how far I can go sharing experience and how much information I want to divulge. I went public here before on the forum and was shamed so I might withdraw if this happens again. My partner came out to me as a sex addict about 4 months ago. His acting out far exceeds masturbation and porn and that’s all I’m going to say about this. We have been together 14 years. Big big love story. His acting out and lying has spanned the last 4,5 years of that. This has blown up my life. He was everything to me.
I knew we were codependent before. I am now ever more grasping to what extent we were and are still, though clawing my way out of it tooth and nail. Always discovering more of what all was enabled and hidden by this toxic dynamic.
I didn’t continue going to s-anon because the group I went to, it felt the women were doing all the work while their partners didn’t commit to recovery. They weren’t getting any better and the ladies just stayed and “worked on themselves”. I couldn’t bear that. I feel over-responsible, all the fucking time. My partner in active addiction has benefitted from that like any good narcissistic addict bastard. I, without knowing what that meant, took all the blame and guilt for our relationship not feeling as it once did for a long long time. That did me a lot of harm. I want to feel less responsible for what he did. And I’m managing that slowly.
We live apart now. It’ll take time to understand all the aspects of this, and moreover develop healthier and more self-responsible, adult ways of being with each other.
I hate what he did to me. But I still love the man I know he can become and I see in him, underneath all his hurt and deep flaws from childhood trauma and all that, yes, you guessed it. He is just another hurt soul like all of us here. He’s very committed to recovery, does everything by the book, out-reach, connect, meetings service, and does intensive therapy, like me. so, I’m often even glad about his work on himself these days. Still there’s no knowing if I will get back with him. And I need this to be an open process. I’m not just biding my time until we can “go back to normal”. No sir, that ship has burned.
My life today looks very different from what it looked like 2 months ago, 3, 6, a year. I went through a period of very bad depression and regression recently. I thought of suicide. I ate nothing but chocolate and chicken meat I buy for my dogs for over a month. And I was a vegan for ten years before then! I had probably the worst anxiety of my life so far.
I have of late felt a bit more stable again. Progress not perfection. Life is good. Recovery is good. We are the lucky ones. I feel that way.
Thanks for reading and letting me share. Love to you all.