I’m grateful to God thank you for giving me the strength to remain clean and sober. I’m grateful that I have some experience with digging down for gratitude on good or bad days. I’m grateful that I know doing some gratitude on the hard days works really well for this guy. I’m grateful that I know I could go on another rant and maybe get some relief and that this is the safest space to do so, in my opinion, on this app. I’m grateful that it isn’t necessary to go into detail at this stage of my recovery, but maybe it could help someone else (and being honest its helped me before)so… fair warning this will be at risk of partly being a list of issues rather than gratitude so I apologise in advance but I don’t participate on the check in thread anymore, so…here goes this will be very long…
I’m grateful that I can admit I have been struggling with feeling lonely a lot lately, particularly at days end, large parts of my life I had a girlfriend, wife, or even just a pet to cuddle with and talk to. I’m still very grateful that these last 4+ years single have allowed me to grow and change and get a few years sober, practicing patience on the relationship bit is tough at the moment. I’m grateful that I am talking with Kelley but it is not often and she live hours away, and, as the saying goes, she is an ex for a reason. I’m grateful to realise that some of my struggles lately stem from me trying to do too much and not working on my patience and probably a few other principles. I am volunteering time in the treatment center kitchen, working with sponsees, building relationship with my parents and sisters, doing service work with NA and AA being a greeter, key holder and back up treasurer, writing and attempting to pass an online food safety course, applying for a two year college program, attempting to participate regularly with you gratidudes, whom I love. Throughout all this there is some stress added that my sponsor has not been answering me for days. Two of my very close supports started drinking again within the past couple weeks, one was calling me all kinds of names, partly for attempting to hold him accountable which he had requested, (ahhhh) The other is a housemate and one of my closest friends for the year and a half that I have been here. I am fielding questions from staff and mutual friends about him, yet again, for weeks now. I’m grateful that I realize I can let these things go, give them to God and stop trying to control everything, but it does affect me and is harder to do than I care to admit at times. I’m grateful to be going to my parents this Saturday for Thanksgiving but am scared since my neices will be there and they don’t know me, at one time my sister literally sheltered them from me like she was scared for them to be around me (a resentment I have been working on) I am also nervous because their dad, my brother in law is still stuck in his own drinking, which could be triggering, my parents have been asking me to help with that, since they are very aware ( and gratefully believe me because my actions reflect it , not just hollow words any more) that I am doing much better and have quit drinking for years. I’m grateful that they asked but I feel it is probably not appropriate for me to get involved. I’m grateful that I still am clean and sober but can admit through being honest, open minded and willing that I really am all over the place schedule wise, sleeping weird hours, not cleaning up the house, procrastinating with getting my high school transcript for Thursdays college meeting, it is almost Wednesday now, talk about fearing my own self sabbotage. Now, instead of going to bed I am writing this. Recently I stayed up almost all night obsessing about all the places I have lived and jobs I have had, even started trying to remember my sexual encounters like wow that’s hard for a blacked out alcoholic and addict to remember, emabarising to admit I lost track, I was at one time, one of those guys competing with their friends on who could score the most, so immature,i guess that was twenty years ago I rationalize, meh, fucking obsessive compulsive addictive thinking and actions are hard to deal with, (I used to drown them out with drugs and booze) Sooo . I figured out that I have had approximately eighty different jobs (some good, some bad) as well as eighty different apartments, houses, and or crash spots, talk about first step stuff of life becoming unmanagable. I’m grateful to understand that all this is possibly necessary for me to accept and move past but damn it if isn’t hard to do. I’m grateful that alot of this uncovering my past and planning for the future is necessary as I want a future for one, and am working on fixing the wreckage of the past for two. I’m grateful I have been asked to speak my story at a meeting soon and that is also why I have been ruminating trying to piece together my “story” so here you guys got to hear quite a bit of it. I’m grateful I haven’t smoked a cigarette for a year and no nicotine for 316 day. I’m grateful no drugs have entered my system for 627 fucking days in a row a major miracle right there. I’m grateful for 781 days without any alcohol. I’m grateful that I can admit that I started doing drugs before smoking or drinking hence it being such a big deal to me. I’m very grateful that I finally came to the realization back on Nov. 8, 2019 that I couldn’t successfully quit or chnge on my on. I’m grateful that after that realization it only took until November 10th 2019 for me to check into detox under my own power. I’m grateful I remember these dates and well as January 17 2020 my drug clean date. I’m grateful I can admit that when I heard people share specific dates in there recovery stories I didnt’t belive them. I’m very grateful to have reached a stage where I believe them now. I’m grateful to get all this out and to have some hope for myself again. I’m grateful I can pray to God to help me accomplish my goals and to accept that If I don’t reach them it wasn’t meant to be.
God bless you all. 
& 
p.s. I really appreciate all of you and btw @M-be-free49 your ps earlier totally made my day. I’m so grateful for whoever reads all that and I appoligize for the length and it being a little all over the place but I needed to get some of it out.
p.p.s. Don’t forget you rock. Ya you!!
p.p.p.s I’m grateful I cried today it feels good to feel. Just saw the length of my own rant Lmao
Edit. for the purpose of making it easier to tell my story later. I realize I didn’t mention my different traumas. Sadly my Dad passed when I was nine, Wife passed when I was 39, Three of my closest friends died from overdoses in 2018. I broke my back resulting in needing a wheelchair for a time. Poor hygenie from drug use and drinking caused me to lose every single tooth I had.
On a happier note, I have a smile back thanks to successful dental surgery and dentures, I can walk again thanks to back surgery, I can discuss my father and wife thanks to therapy. I only did all those things once God helped me get clean and sober. and apply a program of recovery not just talk about it, gratitude is an action word.
One more time. God bless you all.
I still do. But when I do. It feels great that I did. After feeling a little guilty at first. But it was worth it.
and I still don’t have an estimate. But I’m sober and I don’t give a fuck because I’m blessed to have the other car to drive.
She use to get so angry when that happened. It isn’t fun but I don’t see the point in getting angry about it. Im grateful it stopped. Eventually.
I’m still in sinus rhythm and I’m good to go!
as my daughter use to call them about 30 years ago 
