@moderators
trigger warning may get drug specific, angry, scary, depressing, sexually expicit, weird, and might be profanity laced
Maybe should get posted or moved else where, sorry
I am grateful to God thank you for lovingly guiding me through this day clean and sober. I am grateful for All my family, friends, TS and the grati-dudes.
I am grateful that I got all that running around done the other day. It was alot, however it felt necessary as I have been pressured by the staff in my building to get my finances and stuff in order before leaving for detox, which may be only for what they call a short term preventative stay of three days. They seem to be as indecisive as me lately. One of the staff let slip I may get fast tracked into a 21 day treatment program due to my couple severe psychosis episodes over the past few months. Not sure if I have come clean and mentioned those already on here or not, it’s not something I am proud of, or grateful for, well maybe a little grateful that they scared me straight a tad quicker. One of these events took place around eleven days ago and the other around Halloween. The cops and ambulance got called both times and I broke out in handcuffs one of the times, another first, Yay (he said sarcasticly). I am grateful I was putting in a lot of time volunterring here at my building and in the community before, during and after my relapses/active addiction, as that showed my better character traits. I am grateful they know me to be mainly a kind, loving, hard working person. I am grateful they are aware that even during said psychosis episodes I was primarily only a risk to myself. It was scary though, blacking out for parts of it and feeling like I was on deaths door at times, which I probably was, I remember begging for help but it came across in a way that was aggressive, pushing and pulling at people because nobody could understand what I saying. I was trying to get someone to come with me for fear that I was going to get lost or “drop” on my way to literlly sprint at times towards the hospital. I am told at one point I somewhat snapped out of it and was running from the cops thinking it was funny that they couldn’t catch me. Apparently one them eventually did and tackled the shit out of me, fractured my finger, gave me road rash on my knees, elbows and hands then slapped on the cuffs. I had been up for days and was under the influence of a cocktail of numerous substances that I don’t think I will actually need to name. I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful the police didn’t charge me or have me locked away, neither did the hospital or the poor woman I pushed out of my way who was trying to block the door to the street because she didn’t want me to get in trouble or hurt myself or anyone, anymore. They actually showed me that part on video and I could hardly recognize myself I am grateful that I didn’t actually murder my neighbor, I was afraid I did, or was going to, or so I am told, during my first psychosis around halloween. I believed my neighbor down the hall was a good friend, and for most of the past 39 months he was. I let him and his son move in with me back in early 2020 after meeting him at treatment. Some of you may remember me mentioning I let some friends move into my tiny bachelor pad for a time. One night while he was relapsing and I was trying to still help him he attempted to verbally, physically and sexually assault me. This event led me, in part at least, to a horrible head space and no doubt trigged my guilt, shame, anger and resentment, then to relapse and full blown active addiction.
I am grateful that I received the call this evening to attend detox tomorrow morning, for as of now, a three night preventative stay, how’s that for timing, since I just got the financial stuff organized, God’s plan and all that.
I am grateful that is enough for now. Sadly there is more, actually quite a bit.
I am grateful my sober timer just alerted me I reached ten days.
God bless you all. &
p.s. thanks for letting me share and for being awesome. Ya you!!
p.p.s. My phone and any computer or internet access will taken away tomorrow morning for the duration of my stay at the detox and treatment center. See you all in a few days minimum