This one really speaks to me today. Im so used to depriving myself as if im better if i dont induldge in relaxing, a snack, finding enjoyment in doing chores.
Thank you so much for sharing these @MandiH
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April 14~Daily Reflections
THE âNUMBER ONE OFFENDERâ
Resentment is the ânumber oneâ offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick.
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 64
As I look at myself practicing the Fourth Step, it is easy to gloss over the wrong that I have done, because I can easily see it as a question of âgetting evenâ for a wrong done to me. If I continue to relive my old hurt, it is a resentment and resentment bars the sunlight from my soul. If I continue to relive hurts and hates, I will hurt and hate myself-. After years in the dark of resentments, I have found the sunlight. I must let go of resentments; I cannot afford them.
From the book Daily Reflections.
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All rights reserved.
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April 14~Melody Beattie
Perfectionism
Recovery from codependency is an individual process that necessitates making mistakes, struggling through problems, and facing tough issues.
Expecting ourselves to be perfect slows this process; it puts us in a guilty and anxious state. Expecting others to be perfect is equally destructive; it makes others feel ashamed and may interfere with their growth.
People are human and vulnerable, and that is wonderful. We can accept and cherish that idea. Expecting others to be perfect puts us in that codependent state of moral superiority. Expecting ourselves to be perfect makes us feel rigid and inferior.
We can let go of both ideas.
We do not need to go to the other extreme, tolerating anything people throw our way. We can still expect appropriate, responsible behavior from ourselves. But most of us can afford to loosen up a bit. And when we stop expecting others to be perfect, we may discover that theyâre doing much better than we thought. When we stop expecting ourselves to be perfect, weâll discover the beauty in ourselves.
Today, I will practice tolerance, acceptance, and love of others as they are, and myself as I am. I will strive for that balance between expecting too much and expecting too little from others and myself.
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April 15~Daily Reflections
THE BONDAGE OF RESENTMENTS
. . . harboring resentment is infinitely grave. For then we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit.
AS BILL SEES IT, p. 5
It has been said, âAnger is a luxury I cannot afford.â Does this suggest I ignore this human emotion? I believe not. Before I learned of the A.A. program, I was a slave to the behavior patterns of alcoholism. I was chained to negativity, with no hope of cutting loose.
The Steps offered me an alternative. Step Four was the beginning of the end of my bondage. The process of âletting goâ started with an inventory. I needed not be frightened, for the previous Steps assured me I was not alone. My Higher Power led me to this door and gave me the gift of choice. Today I can choose to open the door to freedom and rejoice in the sunlight of the Steps, as they cleanse the spirit within me.
From the book Daily Reflections.
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All rights reserved.
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April 15~Melody Beattie
Communication
Part of owning our power is learning to communicate clearly, directly, and assertively. We donât have to beat around the bush in our conversations to control the reactions of others. Guilt-producing comments only produce guilt. We donât have to fix or take care of people with our words; we canât expect others to take care of us with words either. We can settle for being heard and accepted. And we can respectfully listen to what others have to say.
Hinting at what we need doesnât work. Others canât read our mind, and theyâre likely to resent our indirectness. The best way to take responsibility for what we want is to ask for it directly. And, we can insist on directness from others. If we need to say no to a particular request, we can. If someone is trying to control us through a conversation, we can refuse to participate.
Acknowledging feelings such as disappointment or anger directly, instead of making others guess at our feelings or having our feelings come out in other ways, is part of responsible communication. If we donât know what we want to say, we can say that too.
We can ask for information and use words to forge a closer connection, but we donât have to take people around the block with our conversations. We donât have to listen to, or participate in, nonsense. We can say what we want and stop when weâre done.
Today, I will communicate clearly and directly in my conversations with others. I will strive to avoid manipulative, indirect, or guilt-producing statements. I can be tactful and gentle whenever possible. And I can be assertive if necessary.
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April 16~Daily Reflections
ANGER: A âDUBIOUS LUXURYâ
If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 66
âDubious luxury.â How often have I remembered those words. Itâs not just anger thatâs best left to nonalcoholics; I built a list including justifiable resentment, self-pity, judgmentalism, self-righteousness, false pride and false humility. Iâm always surprised to read the actual quote. So well have the principles of the program been drummed into me that I keep thinking all of these defects are listed too. Thank God I canât afford themâor I surely would indulge in them.
From the book Daily Reflections.
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All rights reserved.
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April 16~Melody Beattie
Letting Things Happen
We do not have to work so hard at gaining our insights. Yes, weâre learning that painful and disappointing things happen, often for a reason and a higher purpose. Yes, these things often work out for good. But we donât have to spend so much time and energy figuring out the purpose and plan for each detail of our life. Thatâs hypervigilance!
Sometimes, the car doesnât start. Sometimes, the dishwasher breaks. Sometimes, we catch a cold. Sometimes, we run out of hot water. Sometimes, we have a bad day. While it helps to achieve acceptance and gratitude for these irritating annoyances, we donât have to process everything and figure out if itâs in the scheme of things.
Solve the problem. Get the car repaired. Fix the dishwasher. Nurse yourself through the cold. Wait to take the shower until thereâs hot water. Nurture yourself through your bad day. Tend to your responsibilities, and donât take everything so personally!
If we need to recognize a particular insight or awareness, we will be guided in that direction. Certainly, we want to watch for patterns. But often, the big insights and the significant processing happen naturally.
We donât have to question every occurrence to see how it fits into the Plan. The Planâthe awareness, the insight, the potential for personal growthâwill reveal itself to us. Perhaps the lesson is to learn to solve our problems without always knowing their significance. Perhaps the lesson is to trust ourselves to live, and experience, life.
Today, I will let things happen without worrying about the significance of each event. I will trust that this will bring about my growth faster than running around with a microscope. I will trust my lessons to reveal themselves in their own time.
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April 17~Daily Reflections
LOVE AND FEAR AS OPPOSITES
All these failings generate fear, a soul-sickness in its own right
TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 49
ââFear knocked at the door; faith answered; no one was there.ââ I donât know to whom this quote should be attributed, but it certainly indicates very clearly that fear is an illusion. I create the illusion myself.
I experienced fear early in my life and I mistakenly thought that the mere presence of it made me a coward. I didnât know that one of the definitions of ââcourageââ is ââthe willingness to do the right thing in spite of fear.ââ Courage, then, is not necessarily the absence of fear.
During the times I didnât have love in my life I most assuredly had fear. To fear God is to be afraid of joy. In looking back, I realize that, during the times I feared God most, there was no joy in my life. As I learned not to fear God, I also learned to experience joy.
From the book Daily Reflections.
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All rights reserved.
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April 17~Melody Beattie
Taking Care of Ourselves
We often refer to recovery from codependency and adult child issues as âself-care.â Self-care is not, as some may think, a spin-off of the âme generation.â It isnât self-indulgence. It isnât selfishnessâin the negative interpretation of that word.
Weâre learning to take care of ourselves, instead of obsessively focusing on another person. Weâre learning self-responsibility, instead of feeling excessively responsible for others. Self-care also means tending to our true responsibilities to others; we do this better when weâre not feeling overly responsible.
Self-care sometimes means, âme first,â but usually, âme too.â It means we are responsible for ourselves and can choose to no longer be victims.
Self-care means learning to love the person weâre responsible for taking care ofâourselves. We do not do this to hibernate in a cocoon of isolation and self-indulgence; we do it so we can better love others, and learn to let them love us.
Self-care isnât selfish; itâs self-esteem.
Today, God, help me love myself. Help me let go of feeling excessively responsible for those around me. Show me what I need to do to take care of myself and be appropriately responsible to others.
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April 18~Daily Reflections
SELF-HONESTY
The deception of others is nearly always rooted in the deception of ourselves. . . . When we are honest with another person, it confirms that we have been honest with ourselves and with God.
AS BILL SEES IT, p. 17
When I was drinking, I deceived myself about reality, rewriting it to what I wanted it to be. Deceiving others is a character defectâeven if it is just stretching the truth a bit or cleaning up my motives so others would think well of me. My Higher Power can remove this character defect, but first I have to help myself become willing to receive that help by not practicing deception. I need to remember each day that deceiving myself about myself is setting myself up for failure or disappointment in life and in Alcoholics Anonymous. A close, honest relationship with a Higher Power is the only solid foundation Iâve found for honesty with self and with others.
From the book Daily Reflections.
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All rights reserved.
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April 18~Melody Beattie
Freedom
Many of us were oppressed and victimized as children. As adults, we may continue to keep ourselves oppressed.
Some of us donât recognize that caretaking and not setting boundaries will leave us feeling victimized.
Some of us donât understand that thinking of ourselves as victims will leave us feeling oppressed.
Some of us donât know that we hold the key to our own freedom. That key is honoring ourselves, and taking care of ourselves.
We can say what we mean, and mean what we say.
We can stop waiting for others to give us what we need and take responsibility for ourselves. When we do, the gates to freedom will swing wide.
Walk through.
Today, I will understand that I hold the key to my freedom. I will stop participating in my oppression and victimization. I will take responsibility for myself and let others do as they may.
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April 19~Daily Reflections
BROTHERS IN OUR DEFECTS
We recovered alcoholics are not so much brothers in virtue as we are brothers in our defects, and in our common strivings to overcome them.
AS BILL SEES IT, p. 167
The identification that one alcoholic has with another is mysterious, spiritualâalmost incomprehensible. But it is there. I âfeelâ it. Today I feel that I can help people and that they can help me.
It is a new and exciting feeling for me to care for someone; to care what they are feeling, hoping for, praying for; to know their sadness, joy, horror, sorrow, grief; to want to share those feelings so that someone can have relief. I never knew how to do thisâor how to try. I never even cared. The Fellowship of A.A., and God, are teaching me how to care about others.
From the book Daily Reflections.
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All rights reserved.
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April 19~Melody Beattie
Accepting Change
The winds of change blow through our life, sometimes gently, sometimes like a tropical storm. Yes, we have resting placesâtime to adjust to another level of living, time to get our balance, time to enjoy the rewards. We have time to catch our breath.
But change is inevitable, and desirable.
Sometimes, when the winds of change begin to rustle, weâre not certain the change is for the better. We may call it stress or a temporary condition, certain weâll be restored to normal. Sometimes, we resist. We tuck our head down and buck the wind, hoping that things will quickly calm down, get back to the way things were. Is it possible weâre being prepared for a new ânormalâ?
Change will sweep through our life, as needed, to take us where weâre going. We can trust that our Higher Power has a plan in mind, even when we donât know where the changes are leading.
We can trust that the change taking place is good. The winds will take us where we need to go.
Today, help me, God, to let go of my resistance to change. Help me be open to the process. Help me believe that the place Iâll be dropped off will be better than the place where I was picked up. Help me surrender, trust, and accept, even if I donât understand.
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April 20~Daily Reflections
SELF-EXAMINATION
. . . we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives.
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 86
When said sincerely, this prayer teaches me to be truly unselfish and humble, for even in doing good deeds I often used to seek approval and glory for myself. By examining my motives in all that I do, I can be of service to God and others, helping them do what they want to do. When I put God in charge of my thinking, much needless worry is eliminated and I believe He guides me throughout the day. When I eliminate thoughts of self-pity, dishonesty and self-centeredness as soon as they enter my mind, I find peace with God, my neighbor and myself.
From the book Daily Reflections.
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All rights reserved.
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April 20~Melody Beattie
Deadlines
I donât know whether I want in or out of this relationship. Iâve been struggling with it for months now. Itâs not appropriate to let it hang indefinitely. I will give myself two months to make a decision.
â ANONYMOUS
Iâve had this unsolved problem hanging over my head for six months now. Iâm confused. Iâm not certain what to do. Iâm going to give myself one month to come up with a solution.
â ANONYMOUS
Sometimes, it helps to set a deadline.
This can be true when we face unsolved problems, are struggling with a tough decision, have been sitting on the fence for a while, or have been floundering in confusion about a particular issue for a time.
That does not mean a deadline is written in stone. It means that we are establishing a time frame to help ourselves not feel so helpless and to help bring a solution into focus. Setting deadlines can free our energy to set the problem or issue aside, to let go, and allow the Universe, our Higher Power, and ourselves to begin to move toward a solution.
We donât always need to tell people weâve got a deadline. Sometimes, itâs better to be silent, or else they may feel we are trying to control them and may rebel against our deadline. Sometimes, it is appropriate to share our deadlines with others.
Deadlines are primarily a tool to help ourselves. They need to be reasonable and appropriate to each individual situation. Used properly, deadlines can be a beneficial tool to help us get through difficult problems and situations without feeling trapped and helpless. They can help us let go of worrying and obsessing, so we can focus our energies in more constructive directions. Setting a deadline can help move us out of that uncomfortable spot of feeling victimized by a person or a problem we canât solve.
Deadlines can help us detach and move forward.
Today, I will consider whether a deadline might be helpful in some area in my life. I claim Divine Wisdom and Guidance in setting appropriate deadlines for any problems or relationship issues that may be lingering.
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April 21~Daily Reflections
CULTIVATING FAITH
âI donât think we can do anything very well in this world unless we practice it. And I donât believe we do A.A. too well unless we practice it. . . . We should practice . . . acquiring the spirit of service. We should attempt to acquire some faith, which isnât easily done, especially for the person who has always been very materialistic, following the standards of society today. But I think faith can be acquired; it can be acquired slowly; it has to be cultivated. That was not easy for me, and I assume that it is difficult for everyone else. . . .â
DR. BOB AND THE GOOD OLDTIMERS, pp. 307-08
Fear is often the force that prevents me from acquiring and cultivating the power of faith. Fear blocks my appreciation of beauty, tolerance, forgiveness, service, and serenity.
From the book Daily Reflections.
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All rights reserved.
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April 21~Melody Beattie
Waiting
Wait. If the time is not right, the way is not clear, the answer or decision not consistent, wait.
We may feel a sense of urgency. We may want to resolve the issue by doing somethingâanything now, but that action is not in our best interest.
Living with confusion or unsolved problems is difficult. It is easier to resolve things. But making a decision too soon, doing something before itâs time, means we may have to go back and redo it.
If the time is not right, wait. If the way is not clear, do not plunge forward. If the answer or decision feels muddy, wait.
In this new way of life, there is a Guiding Force. We do not ever have to move too soon or move out of harmony. Waiting is an actionâa positive, forceful action.
Often, waiting is a God-guided action, one with as much power as a decision, and more power than an urgent, ill-timed decision.
We do not have to pressure ourselves by insisting that we do or know something before itâs time. When it is time, we will know. We will move into that time naturally and harmoniously. We will have peace and consistency. We will feel empowered in a way we do not feel today.
Deal with the panic, the urgency, the fear; do not let them control or dictate decisions.
Waiting isnât easy. It isnât fun. But waiting is often necessary to get what we want. It is not deadtime; it is not downtime. The answer will come. The power will come. The time will come. And it will be right.
Today, I will wait, if waiting is the action I need in order to take care of myself. I will know that I am taking a positive, forceful action by waiting until the time is right. God, help me let go of my fear, urgency, and panic. Help me learn the art of waiting until the time is right. Help me learn timing.
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April 22~Daily Reflections
NEW SOIL . . . NEW ROOTS
Moments of perception can build into a lifetime of spiritual serenity, as I have excellent reason to know. Roots of reality, supplanting the neurotic underbrush, will hold fast despite the high winds of the forces which would destroy us, or which we would use to destroy ourselves.
AS BILL SEES IT, p. 173
I came to A.A. greenâa seedling quivering with exposed taproots. It was for survival but it was a beginning. I stretched, developed, twisted, but with the help of others, my spirit eventually burst up from the roots. I was free. I acted, withered, went inside, prayed, acted again, understood anew, as one moment of perception struck. Up from my roots, spirit-arms lengthened into strong, green shoots: high-springing servants stepping skyward.
Here on earth God unconditionally continues the legacy of higher love. My A.A. life put me âon a different footing . . . [my] roots grasped a new soilâ ( Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 12).
From the book Daily Reflections.
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All rights reserved.
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April 22~Melody Beattie
Coping with Stress
Inevitably, there are times of stress in our lives, no matter how long weâve been in recovery.
Sometimes, the stress is outside or around us. Weâre feeling balanced, but our circumstances are stressful. Sometimes, the stress is within; we feel out of balance.
When the stress is external and internal, we experience our most difficult times.
During stressful times, we can rely more heavily on our support systems. Our friends and groups can help us feel more balanced and peaceful in spite of our stressful conditions.
Affirming that the events taking place are a temporarily uncomfortable part of a good, solid plan can help. We can assure ourselves that we will get through. We wonât be destroyed. We wonât crumple or go under.
It helps to go back to the basicsâto focus on detachment, dealing with feelings, and taking life one day at a time.
Our most important focus during times of stress is taking care of ourselves. We are better able to cope with the most irregular circumstances, we are better able to be there for others, if weâre caring for ourselves. We can ask ourselves regularly: What do we need to do to take care of ourselves? What might help us feel better or more comfortable?
Self-care may not come as easily during times of stress. Self-neglect may feel more comfortable. But taking care of ourselves always works.
Today, I will remember that there is no situation that canât be benefitted by taking care of myself.
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