Bonus reading from Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families
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April 23~Daily Reflections
A.A. IS NOT A CURE-ALL
It would be a product of false pride to claim that A.A. is a cure-all, even for alcoholism.
AS BILL SEES IT, p. 285
In my early years of sobriety I was full of pride, thinking that A.A. was the only source of treatment for a good and happy life. It certainly was the basic ingredient for my sobriety and even today, with over twelve years in the program, I am very involved in meetings, sponsorship and service. During the first four years of my recovery, I found it necessary to seek professional help, since my emotional health was extremely poor. There are those folks too, who have found sobriety and happiness in other organizations. A.A. taught me that I had a choice: to go to any lengths to enhance my sobriety. A.A. may not be a cure-all for everything, but it is the center of my sober living.
From the book Daily Reflections.
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All rights reserved.
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April 23~Melody Beattie
Opening Ourselves to Love
Allowing ourselves to receive love is one of the greatest challenges we face in recovery.
Many of us have blocked ourselves from receiving love. We may have lived with people who used love to control us. They would be there for us, but at the high price of our freedom. Love was given, or withheld, to control us and have power over us. It was not safe for us to receive love from these people. We may have gotten accustomed to not receiving love, not acknowledging our need for love, because we lived with people who had no real love to give.
At some point in recovery, we acknowledge that we, too, want and need to be loved. We may feel awkward with this need. Where do we go with it? What do we do? Who can give us love? How can we determine who is safe and who isnât? How can we let others care for us without feeling trapped, abused, frightened, and unable to care for ourselves?
We will learn. The starting point is surrenderâto our desire to be loved, our need to be nurtured and loved. We will grow confident in our ability to take care of ourselves with people. We will feel safe enough to let people care for us; we will grow to trust our ability to choose people who are safe and who can give us love.
We may need to get angry firstâangry that our needs have not been met. Later, we can become grateful to those people who have shown us what we donât want, the ones who have assisted us in the process of believing we deserve love, and the ones who come into our life to love us.
We are opening up like flowers. Sometimes it hurts as the petals push open. Be glad. Our heart is opening up to the love that is and will continue to be there for us.
Surrender to the love that is there for us, to the love that people, the Universe, and our Higher Power send our way.
Surrender to love, without allowing people to control us or keep us from caring for ourselves. Start by surrendering to love for yourself.
Today, I will open myself to the love that is here for me. I will let myself receive love that is safe, knowing I can take care of myself with people. I will be grateful to all the people from my past who have assisted me in my process of opening up to love. I claim, accept, and am grateful for the love that is coming to me.
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April 24~Daily Reflections
LEARNING TO LOVE OURSELVES
Alcoholism was a lonely business, even though we were surrounded by people who loved us. . . . We were trying to find emotional security either by dominating or by being dependent upon others. . . . We still vainly tried to be secure by some unhealthy sort of domination or dependence.
AS BILL SEES IT, p. 252
When I did my personal inventory I found that I had unhealthy relationships with most people in my lifeâmy friends and family, for example. I always felt isolated and lonely. I drank to dull emotional pain.
It was through staying sober, having a good sponsor and working the Twelve Steps that I was able to build up my low self-esteem. First the Twelve Steps taught me to become my own best friend, and then, when I was able to love myself, I could reach out and love others.
From the book Daily Reflections.
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All rights reserved.
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April 24~Melody Beattie
Lessons on the Job
Often, the spiritual and recovery lessons weâre learning at work reflect the lessons weâre learning in other areas of our life.
Often, the systems weâre attracted to in our working life are similar to the systems in which we find ourselves living and loving. Those are the systems that reflect our issues and can help us learn our lessons.
Are we slowly learning to trust ourselves at work? How about at home? Are we slowly learning to take care of ourselves at work? How about at home? Are we slowly learning boundaries and self-esteem, overcoming fear, and dealing with feelings?
If we search back over our work history, we will probably see that it is a mirror of our issues, our growth. It most likely is now too.
For today, we can believe that we are right where we need to beâat home and at work.
Today, I will accept my present circumstances on the job. I will reflect on how what I am learning in my life applies to what Iâm learning at work. If I donât know, I will surrender to the experience until that becomes clear. God, help me accept the work I have been given to do today. Help me be open to and learn what I need to be learning. Help me trust that it can and will be good.
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I feel that we are not unique in our addiction, but we can live uniquely in our soul and in connection.
April 25~Daily Reflections
ENTERING A NEW DIMENSION
In the late stages of our drinking, the will to resist has fled. Yet when we admit complete defeat and when we become entirely ready to try A.A. principles, our obsession leaves us and we enter a new dimensionâfreedom under God as we understand Him.
AS BILL SEES IT, p. 283
I am fortunate to be among the ones who have had this awesome transformation in my life. When I entered the doors of A.A., alone and desperate, I had been beaten into willingness to believe anything I heard. One of the things I heard was, âThis could be your last hangover, or you can keep going round and round.â The man who said this obviously was a whole lot better off than I. I liked the idea of admitting defeat and I have been free ever since! My heart heard what my mind never could: âBeing powerless over alcohol is no big deal.â Iâm free and Iâm grateful!
From the book Daily Reflections.
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All rights reserved.
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April 25~Melody Beattie
Finding Our Own Truth
We must each discover our own truth.
It does not help us if those we love find their truth. They cannot give it to us. It does not help if someone we love knows a particular truth in our life. We must discover our truth for ourselves.
We must each discover and stand in our own light.
We often need to struggle, fail, and be confused and frustrated. Thatâs how we break through our struggle; thatâs how we learn what is true and right for ourselves.
We can share information with others. Others can tell us what may predictably happen if we pursue a particular course. But it will not mean anything until we integrate the message and it becomes our truth, our discovery, our knowledge.
There is no easy way to break through and find our truth.
But we can and will, if we want to.
We may want to make it easier. We may nervously run to friends, asking them to give us their truth or make our discovery easier. They cannot. Light will shed itself in its own time.
Each of us has our own share of truth, waiting to reveal itself to us. Each of us has our own share of the light, waiting for us to stand in it, to claim it as ours.
Encouragement helps. Support helps. A firm belief that each person has truth availableâappropriate to each situationâis what will help.
Each experience, each frustration, each situation, has its own truth waiting to be revealed. Donât give up until you find itâfor yourself.
We shall be guided into truth, if we are seeking it. We are not alone.
Today, I will search for my own truth, and I will allow others to do the same. I will place value on my vision and the vision of others. We are each on the journey, making our own discoveriesâthe ones that are right for us today.
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April 26~Daily Reflections
HAPPINESS IS NOT THE POINT
I donât think happiness or unhappiness is the point. How do we meet the problems we face? How do we best learn from them and transmit what we have learned to others, if they would receive the knowledge?
AS BILL SEES IT, p. 306
In my search âto be happy,â I changed jobs, married and divorced, took geographical cures, and ran myself into debtâfinancially, emotionally and spiritually. In A.A., Iâm learning to grow up. Instead of demanding that people, places and things make me happy, I can ask God for self-acceptance. When a problem overwhelms me, A.A.'s Twelve Steps will help me grow through the pain. The knowledge I gain can be a gift to others who suffer with the same problem. As Bill said, âWhen pain comes, we are expected to learn from it willingly, and help others to learn. When happiness comes, we accept it as a gift, and thank God for it.â (As Bill Sees It, p. 306)
From the book Daily Reflections.
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All rights reserved.
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April 26~Melody Beattie
Resisting Negativity
Some people are carriers of negativity. They are storehouses of pent-up anger and volatile emotions. Some remain trapped in the victim role and act in ways that further their victimization. And others are still caught in the cycle of addictive or compulsive patterns.
Negative energy can have a powerful pull on us, especially if weâre struggling to maintain positive energy and balance. It may seem that others who exude negative energy would like to pull us into the darkness with them. We do not have to go. Without judgment, we can decide itâs okay to walk away, okay to protect ourselves.
We cannot change other people. It does not help others for us to get off balance. We do not lead others into the Light by stepping into the darkness with them.
Today, God, help me to know that I donât have to allow myself to be pulled into negativity, even around those I love. Help me set boundaries. Help me know itâs okay to take care of myself.
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Great reading today. I was just speaking to my boss about negativity this morning. We had a teammate that was let go last year that was so negative about everything. Nothing anyone of us could say or do to change her outlook. She had such an impact on our entire team. She was let go for other reasons, but the vibe since she left is completely different in a positive way. Navigating negative people that I canât remove from my life is a huge challenge. All I can do is pray for them and keep my interactions to a minimum.
Thank you for these readings, Mandi. 
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Absolutely! I love this. For me, I try not to invite that negativity to linger in my space anymore but I can function in it when I need to now. Thatâs where I used to live myself and with everyone around me so Iâm glad I donât live there 24/7 anymore.
I had two employees once that made work SO miserable with their attitudes combined that everyone hated working. Now having a good attitude is our #1 non-negotiable.
Our attitudes can expand our life and horizions or it can close us down. Iâm SO grateful to be expanding every day in my recovery. And Iâm grateful for you!
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April 27~Daily Reflections
JOYFUL DISCOVERIES
We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you havenât got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 164
Sobriety is a journey of joyful discovery. Each day brings new experience, awareness, greater hope, deeper faith, broader tolerance. I must maintain these attributes or I will have nothing to pass on.
Great events for this recovering alcoholic are the normal everyday joys found in being able to live another day in Godâs grace.
From the book Daily Reflections.
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All rights reserved.
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April 27~Melody Beattie
Letting Go of the Need to Control
The rewards from detachment are great: serenity; a deep sense of peace; the ability to give and receive love in self-enhancing, energizing ways; and the freedom to find real solutions to our problems.
â CODEPENDENT NO MORE
Letting go of our need to control can set us and others free. It can set our Higher Power free to send the best to us.
If we werenât trying to control someone or something, what would we be doing differently?
What would we do that weâre not letting ourselves do now? Where would we go? What would we say?
What decisions would we make?
What would we ask for? What boundaries would be set? When would we say no or yes?
If we werenât trying to control whether a person liked us or his or her reaction to us, what would we do differently? If we werenât trying to control the course of a relationship, what would we do differently? If we werenât trying to control another personâs behavior, how would we think, feel, speak, and behave differently than we do now?
What havenât we been letting ourselves do while hoping that self-denial would influence a particular situation or person? Are there some things weâve been doing that weâd stop?
How would we treat ourselves differently?
Would we let ourselves enjoy life more and feel better right now? Would we stop feeling so bad? Would we treat ourselves better?
If we werenât trying to control, what would we do differently? Make a list, then do it.
Today, I will ask myself what I would be doing differently if I werenât trying to control. When I hear the answer, I will do it. God, help me let go of my need to control. Help me set myself and others free.
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April 28~Daily Reflections
TWO âMAGNIFICENT STANDARDSâ
All A.A. progress can be reckoned in terms of just two words: humility and responsibility. Our whole spiritual development can be accurately measured by our degree of adherence to these magnificent standards.
AS BILL SEES IT, p. 271
To acknowledge and respect the views, accomplishments and prerogatives of others and to accept being wrong shows me the way of humility. To practice the principles of A.A. in all my affairs guides me to be responsible. Honoring these precepts gives credence to Tradition Fourâand to all other Traditions of the Fellowship. Alcoholics Anonymous has evolved a philosophy of life full of valid motivations, rich in highly relevant principles and ethical values, a view of life which can be extended beyond the confines of the alcoholic population. To honor these precepts I need only to pray, and care for my fellow man as if each one were my brother.
From the book Daily Reflections.
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All rights reserved.
April 28~Melody Beattie
Anger at Family Members
Many of us have anger toward certain members of our family. Some of us have much anger and rageâanger that seems to go on year after year.
For many of us, anger was the only way to break an unhealthy bondage or connection between a family member and ourselves. It was the force that kept us from being held captiveâmentally, emotionally, and sometimes spirituallyâby certain family members.
It is important to allow ourselves to feelâto acceptâour anger toward family members without casting guilt or shame on ourselves. It is also important to examine our guilty feelings concerning family members as anger and guilt are often intertwined.
We can accept, even thank, our anger for protecting us. But we can also set another goal: taking our freedom.
Once we do, we will not need our anger. Once we do, we can achieve forgiveness.
Think loving thoughts, think healing thoughts toward family members. But let ourselves be as angry as we need to be.
At some point, strive to be done with the anger. But we need to be gentle with ourselves if the feelings surface from time to time.
Thank God for the feelings. Feel them. Release them. Ask God to bless and care for our families. Ask God to help us take freedom and take care of ourselves.
Let the golden light of healing shine upon all we love and upon all with whom we feel anger. Let the golden light of healing shine on us.
Trust that a healing is taking place, now.
Help me accept the potent emotions I may feel toward family members. Help me be grateful for the lesson they are teaching me. I accept the golden light of healing that is now shining on me and my family. I thank God that healing does not always come in a neat, tidy package.
April 29~Daily Reflections
GROUP AUTONOMY
Some may think that we have carried the principle of group autonomy to extremes. For example, in its original âlong form,â Tradition Four declares: âAny two or three gathered together for sobriety may call themselves an A.A. group, provided that as a group they have no other affiliation.â* . . . But this ultra-liberty is not so risky as it looks.
A.A. COMES OF AGE, pp. 104-05
As an active alcoholic, I abused every liberty that life afforded. How could A.A. expect me to respect the âultra-libertyâ bestowed by Tradition Four? Learning respect has become a lifetime job.
A.A. has made me fully accept the necessity of discipline and that, if I do not assert it from within, then I will pay for it. This applies to groups too. Tradition Four points me in a spiritual direction, in spite of my alcoholic inclinations.
- This is a misquote; Bill is referring to the Third Tradition.
From the book Daily Reflections.
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All rights reserved.
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April 29~Melody Beattie
Initiating Relationships
Often, we can learn much about ourselves from the people to whom we are attracted.
As we progress through recovery, we learn we can no longer form relationships solely on the basis of attraction. We learn to be patient, to allow ourselves to take into account important facts, and to process information about that person.
What we are striving for in recovery is a healthy attraction to people. We allow ourselves to be attracted to who people are, not to their potential or to what we hope they are.
The more we work through our family of origin issues, the less we will find ourselves needing to work through them with the people weâre attracted to. Finishing our business from the past helps us form new and healthier relationships.
The more we overcome our need to be excessive caretakers, the less we will find ourselves attracted to people who need to be constantly taken care of.
The more we learn to love and respect ourselves, the more we will become attracted to people who will love and respect us and who we can safely love and respect.
This is a slow process. We need to be patient with ourselves. The type of people we find ourselves attracted to does not change overnight. Being attracted to dysfunctional people can linger long and well into recovery. That does not mean we need to allow it to control us. The fact is, we will initiate and maintain relationships with people we need to be with until we learn what it is we need to learnâno matter how long weâve been recovering.
No matter who we find ourselves relating to, and what we discover happening in the relationship, the issue is still about us, and not about the other person. That is the heart, the hope, and the power of recovery.
We can learn to take care of ourselves during the process of initiating and forming relationships. We can learn to go slowly. We can learn to pay attention. We can allow ourselves to make mistakes, even when we know better.
We can stop blaming our relationships on God, and begin to take responsibility for them. We can learn to enjoy the healthy relationships, and remove ourselves more quickly from the dysfunctional ones.
We can learn to look for whatâs good for us, instead of whatâs good for the other person.
God, help me pay attention to my behaviors during the process of initiating relationships. Help me take responsibility for myself and learn what I need to learn. I will trust that the people I want and need will come into my life. I understand that if a relationship is not good for me, I have the right and ability to refuse to enter into itâeven though the other person thinks it may be good for him or her. I will be open to the lessons I need to learn about me in relationships, so I am prepared for the best possible relationships with people.
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April 30~Daily Reflections
A GREAT PARADOX
These legacies of suffering and of recovery are easily passed among alcoholics, one to the other. This is our gift from God, and its bestowal upon others like us is the one aim that today animates A.A.'s all around the globe.
TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 151
The great paradox of A.A. is that I know I cannot keep the precious gift of sobriety unless I give it away.
My primary purpose is to stay sober. In A.A. I have no other goal, and the importance of this is a matter of life or death for me. If I veer from this purpose I lose. But A.A. is not only for me; it is for the alcoholic who still suffers. The legions of recovering alcoholics stay sober by sharing with fellow alcoholics. The way to my recovery is to show others in A.A. that when I share with them, we both grow in the grace of the Higher Power, and both of us are on the road to a happy destiny.
From the book Daily Reflections.
Copyright © 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All rights reserved.
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