January 7
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I very much like these readings today.
Every day we have decisions to make. What I do today brings me closer to a drink & making bad decisions or to living in the solution. When things come up for me, I have been shown going it alone isnât ideal. I had something come up yesterday and instead of stuffing it inside like I used to or letting it continue to rattle around in my mind, I called my sponsor. This keeps me on the beam and not doing damage to myself or others.
Also, I loved the second reading too as I am a firm believer nothing happens in our lives on accident. For me, the trick is keeping connected to my higher power all day long to be shown how to best handle those situations. Living in the solution doesnât always come naturally to me. My character defects are still there and Iâm always taking myself with me in what I see in life. It takes effort and action to do things differently than Iâve done in my past. And Iâm grateful that Iâve been shown over and over again this design for living works. 
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That statement âhalf measures availed us nothingâ has always stood out to me. I have to remember half measures donât avail me half of something, is always going to be nothing, no matter what it is. I have to apply this statement to all aspects of my life.
Turning points are always a challenge. I tend to still seek the easier softer way and thatâs the comfort of old habits. We all know where old habits lead us. Oh how I hate change but change is whatâs needed daily to be a better person than I was yesterday.
Thank you for posting Mandi. I wonât always comment but I do read them daily.
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Yes, thank you for sharing! Half measures avail us nothing hits me hard sometimes but itâs true. Thereâs times I convince myself Iâm putting in my best effort, but I really am not. And nothing changes. Nothing changes if nothing changes! I too sometimes want the easier and softer way. But, then I remember this program IS the easier and softer way too. I saw what life was like without it and this sure is better than going round and round, beating my head off the same walls time and time again. It is absolutely a challenge and I absolutely still do those rounds but in most instances I see it much quicker now in many areas of life and I can stop my own self inflicted damage quicker now.
I love your take, thank you for sharing!
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Todayâs readings both sparked something to share.
I reallllly struggled with the fact I was powerless over alcohol. I tried for years to control it in allll the ways. Only having this kind of booze. Only when I ate. Only when I went out. Only when I stayed home. Only on weekends. Etc etc etc. On any day that ended with a âyâ, I was powerless over all my plans that involved me taking a drink as all other intentions went out the window. Truly, once I take the first drink the drink takes me. I do have a choice though. I can work my program and my recovery so I donât pick up that first drink. I do whatever it takes to end each day sober, one at a time. And as I continue to do that work, the less I find I want to drink. I learn new tools and new ways of living life to where I donât need an escape or a way to poorly âmanageâ life anymore.
The second reading really hit my heart.
Iâve always been a person who loves the odd things. The unusal. The unique. I feel it makes life interesting and I can learn so much more that way.
The second part though about loving how we feel sometimes or the unpleasant things that happen to us, that part hit my heart today.
This weekend, I went on a little adventure with my copilot (dog) Colton. We really didnât have much time to do that the last 2 years when I had my house out in the woods, it was a LOT of work. As we went out, I found myself thinking about my ex I broke up 4 days before I closed on that house. We would go hiking all over the state and adventured a lot togther. I reflected on how the last time I felt great, was not consuming sugar and even the last time I hiked that trail was all right before we dated. That relationship had an awful lot of strain in many areas and while he was comfortable and familiar to me when we met, it didnât support my new way of life at all. It was a lesson for me. And at the end of it, I still care about him. Even if I donât want that back. It was weird to feel that loss. It didnât feel like a loss at all at the time I ended it. I couldnât understand why I felt that way but I called my sponsor and I was able to give myself grace through it. I think I am in a space where I have a chance to breathe and have things come up for me. And a chance for me to love myself, and others, where they are. And to practice acceptance.
Longwinded today, but Iâm glad to have this bubble up and come out.
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Todayâs reading makes me think back to when I quit drinking. It was absolutely a divinely guided act of providence in the way it all came about.
In January 2018, my grandfather ended up in the ER with some unexplained back pain. While there, they did a scan and told us he was in the end stages of his alzheimers. They sent him home on hospice care. I sat by his bedside with my grandmother and often my mother until almost 2 weeks later when he passed.
He was on his death bed, yet he was only concerned about the rash on my face. When I went home late at night, I drank, passed out, got back up and went back over there to do what I could for them. I went through the motions but I was numb on all the levels.
Right after he died, my grandmothers cousin/best friend died. One of my best friends mothers died. And the day after that, my ex knew it was time to teach me reiki. Iâd been asking for years, but he said now itâs time and the next day we cleared our day and my best friend and I were given a true gift. This was mid February.
I knew my drinking was out of control-I had known a long time. I had cut back to weekends and knew that there was an issue still. I set a quit date of right after my birthday weekend, because I literally couldnât imagine not drinking on my birthday.
The following Friday, my ex came home and brought booze. I knew I wasnât going to drink, but I said those words that bring nothing good-eff it- and drank again like I did every weekend.
I drank less than half of what I normally drank and I had never been more sick in my entire life. My face had been looking better, but in addition to being SO sick, my rash clearly showed me the alcohol was shutting down my system. I knew I NEEDED to quit drinking. It killed my dad, his sister and I was heading there myself-though I donât think I could even fully see that in that moment. I just knew I needed to take a break and on March 10, 2018 I had my first sober day.
The divine did for me what I could not do for myself. On SO many levels and layers. Less than a month after getting my reiki attunement, I stopped drinking. And I had been âaccidentallyâ led here to this forum, where I learned I was an alcoholic and I couldnât ever go back to drinking successfully.
Without these acts of providence, I am not sure I could have gotten sober. I got connected to the divine in a way I couldnât âseeâ for myself, but I couldnât deny it either when I could literally feel the divine energy flowing through my body.
I then started practicing meditation. And even in the midst of my loud and extremely chaotic enviornment, I could literally sit in the middle of it and find peace. I could connect to myself and the divine instead of the noise all around me. It reminded me of being in the eye of a tornado. I changed and all of this paved the way. I slowly began to let life change.
I know I was told to not change anything big in the first year of sobriety but immediately on being sober, I knew my ârelationshipâ was over. Almost to the day of my 1 year mark, I ended it. Though we really had zero relationship or connection with no booze, the day I got sober was basically the end.
We were able to stay civil and end things amicably. He primarily quit drinking when I did, but he not only had no program, he gave me a ton of crap about being in the recovery community. He had previously been court ordered to go, but that didnât stick. A few weeks ago when I picked up his daughter as I stayed close with the kids, he went to the bar down the road while we were gone for the day. I donât miss that life nor want it back.
This number kept coming up for me yesterday, so I looked it up.
All of this is kinda coming full circle for me as I write this. My past, including all of my failed relationships, wasnât a waste of time. I learned. I grew. And I discovered things about myself I couldnât on my own. When I let the divine in, everything really started changing. And it continues to do so today. My life was unmanageable and today is light years better than it used to be. But my past led me to where I am now. And I am grateful to be a sober & recovering alcholic today.
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Todays bonus by Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More:
Fear
Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. What if they are a little coarse, and you may get your coat soiled or torn? What if you do fail, and get fairly rolled in the dirt once or twice? Up again; you shall never be so afraid of a tumble.
â RALPH WALDO EMERSON
Fear can be a big stopper for many of us: fear of fragility, fear of failure, fear of making a mistake, fear of what others might think, fear of success. We may second-guess our next action or word until we talk ourselves out of participating in life.
âBut I failed before!â âI canât do it good enough!â âLook at what happened last time!â âWhat if . . . ?â These statements may disguise fear. Sometimes the fear is disguising shame.
After I finished the first two chapters of a book I was writing, I read them and grimaced. âNo good,â I thought. âCanât do it.â I was ready to pitch the chapters, and my writing career, out the window. A writer friend called, and I told her about my problem. She listened and told me: âThose chapters are fine. Stop being afraid. Stop criticizing yourself. And keep on writing.â
I followed her advice. The book I almost threw away became a New York Times best seller.
Relax. Our best is good enough. It may be better than we think. Even our failures may turn out to be important learning experiences that lead directly toâand are necessary forâan upcoming success.
Feel the fear, then let it go. Jump in and do itâwhatever it is. If our instincts and path have led us there, itâs where we need to be.
Today, I will participate in life to the best of my ability. Regardless of the outcome, that makes me a winner.
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Melody Beattie, January 11
Letting Go of Guilt
âThereâs a good trick that people in dysfunctional relationships use,â said one recovering woman. âThe other person does something inappropriate or wrong, then stands there until you feel guilty and end up apologizing.â
Itâs imperative that we stop feeling so guilty.
Much of the time, the things we feel guilty about are not our issues. Another person behaves inappropriately or in some way violates our boundaries. We challenge the behavior, and the person gets angry and defensive. Then we feel guilty.
Guilt can prevent us from setting the boundaries that would be in our best interests, and in other peopleâs best interests. Guilt can stop us from taking healthy care of ourselves.
We donât have to let others count on the fact that weâll always feel guilty. We donât have to allow ourselves to be controlled by guiltâearned or unearned! We can break through the barrier of guilt that holds us back from self-care. Push. Push harder. We are not at fault, crazy, or wrong. We have a right to set boundaries and to insist on appropriate treatment. We can separate anotherâs issues from our issues, and let the person experience the consequences of his or her own behavior, including guilt. We can trust ourselves to know when our boundaries are being violated.
Today, I will let go of my big and little guilty feelings. Light and love are on my side.
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January 12~Melody Beattie
Finding Balance
The goal of recovery is balanceâthat precious middle ground.
Many of us have gone from one extreme to another: years of taking care of everyone but ourselves, followed by a time of refusing to focus on anyoneâs needs but our own.
We may have spent years refusing to identify, feel, and deal with our feelings, followed by a period of absolute obsession with every trace of emotional energy that passes through our body.
We may succumb to powerlessness, helplessness, and victimization, then we swing to the other extreme by aggressively wielding power over those around us.
We can learn to give to others while taking responsibility for ourselves. We can learn to take care of our feelings, as well as our physical, mental, and spiritual needs. We can nurture the quiet confidence of owning our power as equals in our relationships with others.
The goal of recovery is balance, but sometimes we get there by going to extremes.
Today, I will be gentle with myself, understanding that sometimes to reach the middle ground of balance, I need to explore the peaks and valleys. Sometimes, the only way I can extricate myself from a valley is to jump high enough to land on a peak, and then slowly ease myself down.
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January 13~Melody Beattie
Good Feelings
When we talk about feelings in recovery, we often focus on the troublesome trioâpain, fear, and anger. But there are other feelings available in the emotional realmâhappiness, joy, peace, contentment, love, closeness, excitement.
Itâs okay to let ourselves feel pleasurable feelings too.
We donât have to worry when we experience good feelings; we donât have to scare ourselves out of them; we donât have to sabotage our happiness. We do that, sometimes, to get to the more familiar, less-joyous terrain.
Itâs okay to feel good. We donât have to analyze, judge, or justify. We donât have to bring ourselves down, or let others bring us down, by injecting negativity.
We can let ourselves feel good.
Today, I will remind myself that it is my right to feel as good as I can. I can have many moments of feeling good; I can find a balanced place of feeling content, peaceful, and good.
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These readings always spark something in me.
Todayâs daily reflections hit me. âThe most common alcoholic fantasy seems to be: âIf I just donât drink, everything will be all right.ââ
I thought that too. And I finally got to a place where I realized I was repeating old patterns and the only common denominator was me. I HAD to be the problem, not everyone or everything else. And at that point, I prayed to whoever was listening out there to show me what Iâm supposed to do. The next morning I was brought to AA by divine intervention. I NEEDED that. I needed to do the work. And I was alllllll in. I had surrendered to trying a new way of life. Of TRUE recovery. And thatâs when everything changed. Yes, I needed to put the drink down. But the drinking was just a symptom of much deeper stuff that needed to be worked out.
I had known misery for so long that when life was happy, as much as I wanted that, it was foreign to me. And Iâd often sabatoge it subcobsciously. I still have to watch for that today. I can try to keep myself small and unhappy without even realizing it because I lived in that life for so long. But today I keep doing the work to keep living a different and much better life. Iâm grateful to be living in the solutions and for the opportunity to keep changing and evolving today.
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January 14~Melodie Beattie
Accepting Anger
Anger is one of the many profound effects life has on us. Itâs one of our emotions. And weâre going to feel it when it comes our wayâor else repress it.
â CODEPENDENT NO MORE
If I was working a good program, I wouldnât get angry. . . . If I was a good Christian, I wouldnât feel angry. . . . If I was really using my affirmations about how happy I am, I wouldnât be angry. . . . Those are old messages that seduce us into not feeling again. Anger is part of life. We need not dwell in it or seek it out, but we canât afford to ignore it.
In recovery, we learn we can shamelessly feel all our feelings, including anger, and still take responsibility for what we do when we feel angry. We donât have to let anger control us, but it surely will if we prevent ourselves from feeling it.
Being grateful, being positive, being healthy, does not mean we never feel angry. Being grateful, positive, and healthy means we feel angry when we need to.
Today, I will let myself be angry, if I need to. I can feel and release my emotions, including anger, constructively. I will be grateful for my anger and the things it is trying to show me. I can feel and accept all my emotions without shame, and I can take responsibility for my actions.
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