Self-pity is one of the most unhappy and consuming defects that we know. It is a bar to all spiritual progress and can cut off all effective communication with our fellows because of its inordinate demands for attention and sympathy. It is a maudlin form of martyrdom, which we can ill afford.
AS BILL SEES IT, p. 238
The false comfort of self-pity screens me from reality only momentarily and then demands, like a drug, that I take an ever bigger dose. If I succumb to this it could lead to a relapse into drinking. What can I do? One certain antidote is to turn my attention, however slightly at first, toward others who are genuinely less fortunate than I, preferably other alcoholics. In the same degree that I actively demonstrate my empathy with them, I will lessen my own exaggerated suffering.
Absolutely!! Poor me turns into pour me a drink. My perception and the way I think matters. If I hold on to self-pity & resentments, it keeps me sick & suffering. It also brings me closer to a relapse-for me that begins far before I pick up a drink with my state of mind & spirit. Iâm grateful I have the tools to pick up instead of a drink to continue to release these things as they arise.
Resentment is the ânumber oneâ offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick.
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 64
As I look at myself practicing the Fourth Step, it is easy to gloss over the wrong that I have done, because I can easily see it as a question of âgetting evenâ for a wrong done to me. If I continue to relive my old hurt, it is a resentment and resentment bars the sunlight from my soul. If I continue to relive hurts and hates, I will hurt and hate myself-. After years in the dark of resentments, I have found the sunlight. I must let go of resentments; I cannot afford them.
. . . harboring resentment is infinitely grave. For then we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit.
AS BILL SEES IT, p. 5
It has been said, âAnger is a luxury I cannot afford.â Does this suggest I ignore this human emotion? I believe not. Before I learned of the A.A. program, I was a slave to the behavior patterns of alcoholism. I was chained to negativity, with no hope of cutting loose.
The Steps offered me an alternative. Step Four was the beginning of the end of my bondage. The process of âletting goâ started with an inventory. I needed not be frightened, for the previous Steps assured me I was not alone. My Higher Power led me to this door and gave me the gift of choice. Today I can choose to open the door to freedom and rejoice in the sunlight of the Steps, as they cleanse the spirit within me.
If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 66
âDubious luxury.â How often have I remembered those words. Itâs not just anger thatâs best left to nonalcoholics; I built a list including justifiable resentment, self-pity, judgmentalism, self-righteousness, false pride and false humility. Iâm always surprised to read the actual quote. So well have the principles of the program been drummed into me that I keep thinking all of these defects are listed too. Thank God I canât afford themâor I surely would indulge in them.
All these failings generate fear, a soul-sickness in its own right
TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 49
ââFear knocked at the door; faith answered; no one was there.ââ I donât know to whom this quote should be attributed, but it certainly indicates very clearly that fear is an illusion. I create the illusion myself.
I experienced fear early in my life and I mistakenly thought that the mere presence of it made me a coward. I didnât know that one of the definitions of ââcourageââ is ââthe willingness to do the right thing in spite of fear.ââ Courage, then, is not necessarily the absence of fear.
During the times I didnât have love in my life I most assuredly had fear. To fear God is to be afraid of joy. In looking back, I realize that, during the times I feared God most, there was no joy in my life. As I learned not to fear God, I also learned to experience joy.
The deception of others is nearly always rooted in the deception of ourselves. . . . When we are honest with another person, it confirms that we have been honest with ourselves and with God.
AS BILL SEES IT, p. 17
When I was drinking, I deceived myself about reality, rewriting it to what I wanted it to be. Deceiving others is a character defectâeven if it is just stretching the truth a bit or cleaning up my motives so others would think well of me. My Higher Power can remove this character defect, but first I have to help myself become willing to receive that help by not practicing deception. I need to remember each day that deceiving myself about myself is setting myself up for failure or disappointment in life and in Alcoholics Anonymous. A close, honest relationship with a Higher Power is the only solid foundation Iâve found for honesty with self and with others.
We recovered alcoholics are not so much brothers in virtue as we are brothers in our defects, and in our common strivings to overcome them.
AS BILL SEES IT, p. 167
The identification that one alcoholic has with another is mysterious, spiritualâalmost incomprehensible. But it is there. I âfeelâ it. Today I feel that I can help people and that they can help me.
It is a new and exciting feeling for me to care for someone; to care what they are feeling, hoping for, praying for; to know their sadness, joy, horror, sorrow, grief; to want to share those feelings so that someone can have relief. I never knew how to do thisâor how to try. I never even cared. The Fellowship of A.A., and God, are teaching me how to care about others.
âWe are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.â
â Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 85
Today is the only day that really counts for me. One day at a time, I do whatever it takes to end my day sober. I get to practice these principals in all of my affairs and keep my recovery close, this keeps me further away from a drink today. For this, I am grateful.
. . . we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives.
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 86
When said sincerely, this prayer teaches me to be truly unselfish and humble, for even in doing good deeds I often used to seek approval and glory for myself. By examining my motives in all that I do, I can be of service to God and others, helping them do what they want to do. When I put God in charge of my thinking, much needless worry is eliminated and I believe He guides me throughout the day. When I eliminate thoughts of self-pity, dishonesty and self-centeredness as soon as they enter my mind, I find peace with God, my neighbor and myself.
âI donât think we can do anything very well in this world unless we practice it. And I donât believe we do A.A. too well unless we practice it. . . . We should practice . . . acquiring the spirit of service. We should attempt to acquire some faith, which isnât easily done, especially for the person who has always been very materialistic, following the standards of society today. But I think faith can be acquired; it can be acquired slowly; it has to be cultivated. That was not easy for me, and I assume that it is difficult for everyone else. . . .â
DR. BOB AND THE GOOD OLDTIMERS, pp. 307-08
Fear is often the force that prevents me from acquiring and cultivating the power of faith. Fear blocks my appreciation of beauty, tolerance, forgiveness, service, and serenity.
Moments of perception can build into a lifetime of spiritual serenity, as I have excellent reason to know. Roots of reality, supplanting the neurotic underbrush, will hold fast despite the high winds of the forces which would destroy us, or which we would use to destroy ourselves.
AS BILL SEES IT, p. 173
I came to A.A. greenâa seedling quivering with exposed taproots. It was for survival but it was a beginning. I stretched, developed, twisted, but with the help of others, my spirit eventually burst up from the roots. I was free. I acted, withered, went inside, prayed, acted again, understood anew, as one moment of perception struck. Up from my roots, spirit-arms lengthened into strong, green shoots: high-springing servants stepping skyward.
Here on earth God unconditionally continues the legacy of higher love. My A.A. life put me âon a different footing . . . [my] roots grasped a new soilâ ( Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 12).
It would be a product of false pride to claim that A.A. is a cure-all, even for alcoholism.
AS BILL SEES IT, p. 285
In my early years of sobriety I was full of pride, thinking that A.A. was the only source of treatment for a good and happy life. It certainly was the basic ingredient for my sobriety and even today, with over twelve years in the program, I am very involved in meetings, sponsorship and service. During the first four years of my recovery, I found it necessary to seek professional help, since my emotional health was extremely poor. There are those folks too, who have found sobriety and happiness in other organizations. A.A. taught me that I had a choice: to go to any lengths to enhance my sobriety. A.A. may not be a cure-all for everything, but it is the center of my sober living.
