Hi…I am close to celebrating 18 months of continuous sobriety and due to my sole commitment of focusing on my recovery the first year, building a life completely from scratch in a new place with new people, and living in an all womens sober living/only building relationships and spending time with women, I am also close to the same amount of time celibate as I am sober. This is the longest period of time in my life I have gone without any kind of relationship with the opposite sex. I don’t even have any guy friends I talk to or hang out with. I rarely even interact with men anymore and when I do I feel like a fucking alien in kindergarden. I feel like a completely new and different person now than I used to and everything feels like I am doing it for the first time, even though all my life I’ve always had a serious boyfriend or many casual boyfriend’s at a time.
I feel like a whole/ healthy/stable/balanced person now first the first time ever and that has also contributed to why I don’t even feel the desire or urge to date because I already have everything I need and am happy with who I am and where I am…also I am honestly afraid it would only add drama/stress into my life more than anything else because relationships with men have always been the biggest trigger and problem for me. They kind of go hand in hand with my addiction so I have no experience with dating and having relationships with men in a healthy drama free light.
With all that being said, there is a part of me that does miss having relationships with men and I feel open to trying again to have them but I don’t know where the f to even start. There have been a couple guys who have pursued me in these past 18 months and because they initiated something I was open to getting to know them because I am always open to experiences when they appear but I immediently saw red flags upon interacting with them and shut them out right away. I have a no tolerance policy now with bullshit and because of these experiences I feel like i have shut myself off to the idea of dating because all in all it’s been a negative experience. I wish I could find healthy chill guys who wanted to have intellectual conversations and go for hikes and adventures every once in awhile…I would like to meet some cool guys to kick it with but I am very picky about what kind of person I allow into my life now so it appears difficult to actually find anyone who I would enjoy spending time with. Also I don’t actively look for anyone and I don’t do online dating and I don’t come across men my age range much at all in real life. I am a big believer in fate and that the right person will come along when it is time but I also wonder if maybe it would be good for me to branch out and just try the online dating or something to get myself back into the swing of things. I don’t know!!
Does anyone relate!? Or have experience with dating and being in recovery? Having actual healthy relationships!? I just really needed to vent because this has been on my mind and I would really appreciate talking to someone about it.
Vent away girl and congrats on 18 months thats amazing!!! I have been with my husband for god knows how long now so advice on dating Im not so up to date on. I think like anything else in our lives if you open yourself up to the idea that this is something you are open to I feel it will come your way. That the right person will just come into your life. I met my husband in the grocery store and like you i wasnt looking but was open to the idea of meeting someone and if that someone isnt what your looking for you just be brutally honest and keep yourself first on your list!!!
I love this, thank youu! Congrats on being in a committed relationship longer than you can recall, that’s pretty mind blowing and amazing ! I appreciate your response thank you
He was in recovery from a drug addiction i was drinking still and not willing to admit ky problem at the time. I was able to hide it for many years before it spun out of control obviously he saw the signs of my addiction and had a heart to heart with him and agreed that my life was no longer managable. Im newly sober had to do the whole detox and recovery but it has been for the best. My relationship would not have survived or my health for that matter if i kept going the way i did
Hi Lexi, I’m not in a typical “dating” stage right now - I’m married - but at the same time I’ve learned from my sobriety that “the opposite of addiction is connection”, and in my marriage I’ve found that means I’m investing and reinvesting in the relationship, taking time to communicate, ask questions, explore & wonder at the world, share pleasure, and - though we’ve been married 12 years - I still feel regularly like I’m dating my wife. I love how sobriety has reinvigorated my relationship like that.
There are so many interesting threads on the topic of dating if you search it up here on TS. Here’s a recent one with a few interesting opinions & links:
But to answer your question from your OP about how to find men to date - I can hear you, I think, on that. It sounds like you’re worried because so many times in the past dating has been connected with addiction or other drama. There’s a powerful sense of association there, and it sounds like it makes you nervous, maybe freezes you up a bit?
Do you think there’s anything you could do to socialize in a platonic way with guys and girls in mixed groups? Obviously with COVID that can’t happen right now, but afterward: hiking clubs? Cooking classes? Something that lines up with one of your interests. No pressure to find someone at all, just living your life and exploring the world & its pleasures & experiences, with some other humans.
Yep I relate to a ton of what you’ve described. I’ve been focusing on my recovery, and thinking about getting back into the dating pool. Not yet though, I’m still not ready, just thinking ahead, as I do. I’m not even sure either if I want to bother, because I don’t feel like I need someone either, but keep thinking… maybe.
I don’t have suggestions as far as finding people… but engaging in activities you enjoy in the community could be just healthy for you overall, and as a side effect exposes you to more like-minded people to either build a relationship with or just more friends, and a chance to maybe just get comfortable being around men if that’s something you want to improve on. I’m trying to expand my local friend network and that’s hard enough itself, let alone trying to find people I click with on another level…
When the right person comes along you just know. It’s hard to explain. Don’t settle and don’t rush into anything. I met my husband in my disease and we helped each other get sober. He’s my rock. And we kind of just met by chance so let things happen! Do you. You obviously have a good enough idea of what you need in life to be happy.
These guys definitely exist. I’m sure you will meet guys like this if you take some time to go on adventures (with clubs etc) when this COVID thing passes. In the meantime, take care & stay safe
Thank you that was super helpful ! She was saying everything I feel exactly. That is very wonderful about your relationship with you wife, that gives me hope for the future that it’s possible to have a relationship like that. Sobriety is such a blessing in so many ways and the possibilities of the future are infinite, it’s very exciting! Those are really good suggestions and I am feeling inspired once this social distancing thing is over to find some hiking and adventure groups so I can meet more people my age. Great ideas thank you!!
Yes I am definitely feeling inspired to try new things in the community, especially now that the weather is getting nice I am feeling excited to go on adventures and meet more people my age. Meetup has been a good app that I’ve noticed has a lot of hiking groups in the area and fun things so I will definitely have to go out of my comfort zone and try some new things.
Congrats on being in a committed relationship longer than you can recall, that’s pretty mind blowing and amazing ! I appreciate your response thank you 
Im lucky I really feel for people without support you truly needed when gping through this
