Day 1 for the 100th Time

Your Story
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Starting on this journey yet again. Feeling really down on myself and wondering what the hell happened.

I was losing weight, becoming more active, feeling happier, looking better, becoming a better mother and wife, and yet here I am. Restarting.

Why the hell did I give myself permission to drink, to hide it from my husband?! Why did I convince myself it wasn’t a problem, that I can get away with hiding it and carry on with my day? It’s freaking exhausting to hide it! I felt guilty enough for letting myself down and drinking again, but to have to hide it too (in reality I wasn’t actually hiding it because it was very obvious I’d been drinking).

I’m so sick of this shit. I know exactly what I want and how to get it, but I do the exact opposite. What is wrong with me :frowning:

So here it is, day 1 again, and really hoping to make it last this time. I really want this. My family needs it!

Here is my list (so far) of reasons I shouldn’t/don’t want to drink. Putting it out there so I can keep checking back to reassure and remind myself of the end game here.

List of reasons not to drink:

It makes me fat!

I feel like shit

I feel like a failure

I’m proud of myself for not drinking

I do stupid shit while drinking like cheat, drive drunk, make a fool of myself etc…

Wake up wondering what I did

Wake up feeling guilty and like something horrible happened, even if it didn’t but could!

My kids could get taken away

It’s expensive, we can’t afford it

Makes me feel like a loser

Keeps me from achieving my goals

Can’t workout when hung over

Can’t keep the house clean

Can’t handle my life

Dark and negative thoughts about self harm

It’s not worth it

Alcohol is the problem, it doesn’t solve anything, even if I try to convince myself it does.

Any encouragement, tips, or stories of your own are much appreciated.

Here goes everything :pensive:

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First off, there is nothing “wrong” with you. Addiction can happen to anyone, over anything. You are not weak because alcohol has power over you.

You are STRONG because you know all of the reasons why you don’t want to drink. The addiction is a sneaky little B who will lie to you to try and get you to drink. But you know that you don’t want to drink. And that is where you’re a winner. :slight_smile:

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Do you work or a program or just abstain from using? That’s a lot of tries, a lot of let downs.

I’d suggest you get into AA, Smart, IOP/inpatient and start working, learning more about yourself and forgiving yourself for the past.

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Well I assure there is nothing wrong with you. You are just like us. Putting the drink down is easy. Keeping it down is hard. My history of relapse shows that I don’t know how to do it on my own. But I go to AA and they show me how to do it a day at a time. I don’t worry about not drinking tomorrow. All I have to do is not drink today.

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Thank you :slight_smile:

I know I don’t want to drink, and even in the moments of relapse I was questioning my choices. Telling myself over and over to stop, that I don’t like how I feel, at the same time pouring another drink. It’s such a battle and I’m finally starting to understand the depth of the hold alcohol has on me. It’s debilitating.

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I’ve attended AA in the past and worked the steps. Something always pulls me back in and I have a f*ck it moment. Right now I’m trying to abstain and focus on my health. I really want to lose weight and feel better about myself. I know that if I can make that happen I won’t need to drink.

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Putting it down is easy, keeping it down seems impossible long term. My dilemma is that I just don’t have the time to go to AA. While I’m sure it will help I don’t know how to make it happen. I can barely keep up with everything as it is. But I’m going to stop making excuses and find a way to say good bye to alcohol for good.

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If you have time to drink you can make time for a meeting, or try an online one. Also, I’m not sure if you have kids, but they are certainly welcome at most, if not all, meetings. If you live in a largish area there’s probably meetings going all day long.

I didn’t see your post above, but did your relapse occur once you stopped going to meetings and working the steps?

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That was really great advice. Sometimes we forget that there are things going on inside of us that we don’t recognize or haven’t dealt with, lies we are believing or truths we aren’t seeing, that are the root of the problem - or at least the reason we are not rising about our inclination towards addiction. I have learned a lot about myself recently. It has been a journey. I have an hour and 20 minutes until I am 4 days sober. I have learned that a lot of the personality traits that have helped me are hurting me in this area - being confident, being self-reliant, putting others first…it is important to be aware of these things.

Jessica

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Stay strong you can do this…the struggle is real…im in the same position as you…just stay positive and busy

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@Buffy7, we have a lot in common! I have been struggling with this addiction for years…currently on day 86 of recovery (again). I know that when I let my guard down and give in, it takes me a couple months to get back in gear (Too long!). After quitting alcohol, I dropped 20 lbs and felt waaaayyy more productive than I ever have (at work, home, socially, etc.). Alcohol makes ME fat, unproductive, and generally miserable. Get back to what you need to do SOON and I know you won’t be sorry. Don’t beast yourself up too much. Relapse is just a temporary setback… Good luck! :kissing_heart:

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You didn’t lose the time you were sober. Every drink avoided is a win. It’s weight not gained and seconds back onto your life.

I still struggle several months in. But (just being honest) I look so much better and feel better. I associate alcohol with being hung over, crappy skin, being depressed, scared over losing my job.

I’ve replaced it with other things like kratom. Not perfect but miles better. But trust me I was on the every 3 days reset cycle. Eventually your brain gets used to it and you don’t crave it as much. Keep going.

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I want to tell you thank you for sharing this. I also a. Starting over yet again. I feel so good when I am not drinking.

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I like that. Not worrying about not drinking tomorrow as ling as I don’t drink today .
I didn’t drink yesterday nighty while I worked in a bar. It was hard but that’s one day. I woke up very teary and cried tgoygh and can’t get why . Mayve because it had taken such an effort not to drink.
You all all doung great and a lust of why not to drink is fantastic motivation.

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My most recent attempt at recovery lasted 18 days and I was trying to do it on my own. I live in a small town and found a meeting that would work with my scheduled in town. My worry is that someone I know will see me going or will be there and I don’t want my problem to become public. My kids go to school in town and I really don’t want anyone to know I have a drinking problem. I hide it very well, more of a self sufferer, and I’d like to keep it that way.

Have you any experience with this? The next closest meeting for me is 15 mins away which I’m going to try and make work.

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I hear ya on the anonymity part. I’m a lawyer so I was terrified of that. Turns out the people in the rooms are very tight lipped. Remember they are there for the same reason. A judge I appear in front of regularly goes to many of the same meetings I do. In the rooms we are the same as everyone else. I’ve been comfort enough to share that I’m a heroin addict too and I know that he would never discuss that with anyone outside the program.

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Me personally, I’ve had numerous relapses, more than I could count. I’ve been in and out of recovery for 5 years now… it really is a process and no one recovers the same. Everyone’s recovery is truly different. But there is hope! I dont drink or use one day at a time. Sometimes moment by moment. I put the effort into my recovery as I did when I was getting high or drunk. I have to keep my recovery first! When I notice things starting to get in the way of my recovery, I better prioritize things real quick. Write down a list and go from there. Once you complete something on the list, check it off. Maybe help you feel like you’re accomplishing things.
My recovery has to stay first. And it is hard. And it can be time consuming, but it’s well worth it. You said it yourself that your a better person when you don’t drink… You can do this, one day at a time. Hang in there and go from day 1. Dont beat yourself up, that’s not going to help the situation any.
Since you dont have a lot of time. Maybe self help books will help. I know theres a book club on this forum that started. I just joined myself, it’s something new to do.
Stay busy. Change up your routine. You can do this and it is going to be okay! Fill your day with activities so you don’t have the time to drink.

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Where you are weak today, you can be strong tomorrow. People aren’t born mentally strong. They decide to be mentally strong, and then work to become mentally strong.

Alcohol is like Voodoo; It only has power over you, if you believe it has power over you. You have the power to say “No”, and here’s the truth: you only have to say “no” to one drink…the first drink. Refuse to give yourself permission to drink that first drink, and there will never be a 2nd drink.

Decide to be strong, and then be strong. Exercise your WILL! Do it each and every day. Live in the light, where you don’t have to be ashamed of what you’ve done, or what you’ve said. You can look your husband straight in the eye, each and every day. Why? Because you are sober, and you are sober because you made the decision to be strong.

Each and every day, get up, and get after it!

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God, this hit me square in the heart. I absolutely feel what you are talking about, starting my day 1 for the 100th time. I blacked out two days ago (typical), almost got arrested to shoplifting, fainted 5 times, tried walking down into a canyon, and worst of all I was belligerent and extremely nasty to my fiance (cursing at him, hitting him, hitting myself, spitting at him). Then I proceeded to brutally slash up my skin with a very sharp knife and tried to leave the appartment with my keys, at which point he had to restrain me until I got so tired from fighting that I finally fell asleep…
I have Bipolar Disorder, Panic Disorder, Anxiety, and very severe depression so drunken episodes like that happen every time I black out. Lately I’ve been realizing that it’s like Jekyll and Hyde… alcohol doesn’t work with our body chemistry and we just happen to be a percentage of the world that doesnt tolerate it very well.
We can do this. I dont want to be fat from it anymore, I dont want to wake up wondering who I hurt, I don’t want to keep disappointing my little sister, and I dont want to be controlled by a substance any longer.
I believe in us and I’m here for support💛

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