Day 40 Sober – Struggling Emotionally Because of Family Issues

Emotional Support
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Hi everyone,
I’m a 30-year-old male, single, and sober for 40 days today. I’m grateful for my progress, but I wanted to share something that has been weighing on me a lot during my recovery.

I grew up in a family of five — my mother, father, older brother, younger sister, and me. Since childhood, my father has always treated me differently. He shouted at me a lot, said no to everything, and never really allowed me to play or smile freely. He was always aggressive and never showed happiness or softness toward me. But with my sister and brother, he’s very friendly, supportive, and cheerful.

Even now, nothing has changed. He rarely talks to me unless he needs something like a ride to the city. Otherwise, I feel like I don’t exist for him. When I see my friends with their fathers — laughing, talking, being friendly — it hurts a lot. It brings up feelings that hit me very hard during recovery.

His face is always serious and aggressive, like he believes he knows everything and doesn’t need to listen. He treats many other people the same way, not just me. I’m 30, and he has never shown interest in my future, my marriage, or how I’m doing emotionally.

These thoughts keep coming up, and sometimes it makes my recovery painful. I know I can’t change him, but I’m trying to understand how to deal with this hurt and how to not let it affect my sobriety.

If anyone has gone through something similar or has any perspective on this, I would really appreciate hearing your thoughts.

Thanks for reading.

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I haven’t gone through the same with a parent but I have with other people close to me.

In rehab & AA I learned that it’s a lot easier on me to let shit go than to dwell on it. I had to realize and be okay with folks being asses even if they weren’t drinking or using. They simply just were being assholes! And, at some point I needed to state how their actions/ inactions/words made me feel. Once I did, I let it go and moved on. They get to do with the info as they decide. It’s not up to me how they will react/feel about it but my voice has been heard. And when I approached them I always began my statements with either: I think or I feel, so they couldn’t shoot holes in what I was bringing to them.

Ultimately, I learned that if I don’t talk out my feelings I will act them out. And this alcoholic can act out in some real fucked up ways. Hope this helps, friend. Super work on your 40 days of freedom!

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First off Sarath congrats on your 40 days!! Though my situation growing up was different than what you describe here I can definitely relate to not feeling like a parent really cares or craving a certain attention, affection or approval from a parent that you are not receiving and probably will never receive . I also understand the emptiness it can leave you feeling. Smitty definitely gives some solid advice of letting it go. A big part of our healing in sobriety is learning to let all of it that we can’t control go. Like you said you can’t change your dad but you can change how you let him make you feel. It’s not easy but we need to learn to be ok with ourselves without their approval. It’s something I work on everyday. Not letting others dictate what my self worth is.

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Congrats on 40 days.

Staying sober has taught me to learn to live with things I cannot change.

I relate to not being allowed to fit into my family growing up.

It still hasnt changed. I have learned to accept it. I dont let it bother me too much anymore.

It’s their loss.

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Hi, congrats on your 40 days

I read your post last night and it stuck with me, English isn’t my first language, so I may not find all the right words.

I had an abusive father, he would be violent towards my mum and my older brother, but not me, I was treated differently, but that wasn’t easy either.

He was in contact one and off throughout the years, after my mum finally left him.

We felt the shadow for years. My brother wanted him to aprove of him wanted him to be proud. I told him eventually, that ,that was never going to happen.

He also found that out himself.

I think, that you should acknowledge your thoughts and feelings, sit with them for a bit, see how it affects you, then remember you probably cant change it, and put it aside.

Do this every time it crops up and try and label your feelings.

This is think for you, will crop up many times.

It took years for me and my brother, and I spend nearly a year talking to a psychologist, which in my case helped me tremendously.

Finally I would like to say, that when you are newly sober and in the first year, a lot of emotions and difficult thoughts will arrise, you will not only spend your energy on staying sober, but also dealing with emotions.

I do not think you should confront your dad at this stage, wait till you are stronger.

I was 4 years sober in June and still going strong, but I have had to do a lot of work on myself, and the first year was filled with happiness, but it was also emotionally draining.

I wish you all the best!.

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you might, might benefit from another 12 step program called al-anon. i am not a spokes person for that group, but i have found some of their teachings, pretty powerful.

if he went thru war, survival skills are different, may explain some detachments. but sometimes, people just fail me, so i surround myself with people who don’t, how about reaching out to mom and the other siblings to make up for that love not found in the father?

just a suggestion.