I can’t seem to get past the two week mark. I want better for myself and my life. Alcohol isn’t helping. I’ve been a drinker since I was around 14 years old. I’m mid 40s now and on my journey back to school -University to obtain my Bachelor of Social Work.
This past weekend - I’m not even sure why I drank but I’m always full of regret after doing so. The anxiety is getting better on this third day. I thought I would have a heart attack the earlier days. Food is staying down and I’m ready to go back to work after calling in sick all week. Why do I torture myself this way if I know how it’s going to be afterwards?
School starts next week and I need a clear mind but I’m also afraid I drank so much that my brain doesn’t function as well as it used to.
I want to stop! I don’t want it in my life anymore.
Welcome to the community Cristina
Great job on day 3 - i’m sorry the first few were so hellish. Just keep those days in mind when the cravings start - day 1’s only get worse every time we go back. The “addict” voice will be strong and try to convince you that you need just one drink or it’s ok to drink on the weekend to reward yourself or whatever lies it can come up with. They are lies. Alcohol has nothing good to offer and you are so much better without it.
This is a great community with loads of support and advice. Take some time to review the threads - jump in when you feel comfortable.
Congrats on getting back into school. Alcohol does create fog and memory gaps. We are able to repair the “grey” matter by being sober and staying sober. It does take time but it is possible.
Are you up to going to meetings? If yes, look into the closest ones to you and start immediately. Or you can search for a 24 hour on line meeting. Support is key when trying to go sober. I also had to change up my daily routines and find ways to keep myself busy so that i eliminated temptation. Being active here helped me the most. It was nice to be around people that are going through the same shit and understand the struggle.
Check out the Checking in daily to maintain focus #58 thread - i find that by doing daily check in’s I stay on course.
Are you doing anything on a daily basis to seek outside support for your sobriety?
I’d like to chime in and welcome you as well. You are not alone. I struggled for a long time to get past the one week mark myself, so I can relate to what you’re up against. TS has been immensely helpful to me. There is lots of great support and advice here. Find what resonates for you, visit often. Wishing you strength and love 
Self will never worked for me to stay sober. I couldn’t do it alone - I tried! I could only stop for one day. I hope you can find AA, this forum, or some other group to help you stay sober - you deserve it!
If you just want to get further down the sobriety road before trying AA, there is a lot to read on this forum that can help. Here are some of my “hows” of how I did it. 8 month soberversary! - #10 by Kareness
The anxiety is normal. Alcohol is a major insult to your body and mind. Why do you drink? What’s the benefit? We wouldn’t go through all this for no reason. What needs does it fulfill and how can those be met in a more healthy way?
This is a great place to start. You’ve set your intention to rid your life of alcohol. Now comes the work. Put a sober head on your pillow every night. It is as simple (and as hard) as that.
Some nights I had to put myself to bed at 7 pm to make that happen but I’ve been taking it one day at a time now for 560+ days.
Tonight while you are steadfast in your goal write down your reasons for quitting. Keep it handy in case you get tempted.
Different things work for different people but here are some things to do when your brain tells you to drink:
Come here to tell someone you are tempted. This is a worldwide/24 hour site and everyone will give you a good reason to put down the glass if you ask.
Read around on here to kill time with sober folk and to learn about addiction.
Check out an AA meeting.
Pick up a book about addiction.
Take a walk, take a drive, phone a friend or eat a whole cake. Whatever you need to do to lay down at the end of the day sober is permissible.
Lastly, a lot of addicts use to mask anxiety. Could your decision to go back to school be bringing up anxious feelings? If so, try to sit with that feeling. You are making a positive step forward for yourself and that can be scary but part of sobriety is also learning not to “drink at” your feelings anymore.
Phew, you caught me in a chatty mood. Welcome!
re: I want to stop! I don’t want it in my life anymore.
This is the best and most encouraging statement you can make - write it down, put it on your wall…$hit tattoo it somewhere - but just keep that in focus.
One thought, and others may not totally agree - but , maybe consider rehab? I was in your similiar situation and went that route - it saved me. Granted, its 21days of “lockup”…but you’re around people all trying to do the same and medical folks there just in case etc. Its just a thought - regardless, don’t do it entirely alone. This site is a great resource as well as AA and other orgs, along with a sponsor.
I completely understand what you are going through as I am an alcoholic in recovery myself, going on 42 days completely sober. If you don’t mind me asking, what are you doing to maintain your sobriety? Have you looked into any treatment options such as outpatient treatment, for example? Or are you trying to go at this completely alone where you simply not drink? You’ve made it to a crucial point in your life where you are not in denial about a drinking problem; you realize and acknowledge that alcohol is interfering with your daily life which is beginning to affect that “functioning” alcoholic due to calling into work or thinking about balancing work, life, and education while possibly still dealing with a codependency to alcohol but hoping you can be done for good once universities begins.
I don’t want to take away from your post by any means but as a fellow alcoholic myself, I want to share my story where alcohol landed me and could lead to you as well, and it’s a place you don’t want to wind up in but perhaps it can offer some motivation for you to really take action with sobriety it sounds like you not only need/want, but are ready for it’s just a matter of taking the first step so all else can fall into place for you. I drank all day off and on but never got drunk or tipsy I just got a head change from drinking a 12 pack of airplane shooters of whisky daily. This really started when I was about 30, I turned 36 in May so this was an impactful amount but not as bad as others which was an excuse of mine to not feel bad for a while. I noticed about a year ago I would get sick in the mornings and if I had nothing in my stomach I would vomit bile or just dry heave until it got out of my system. It was in the morning time, not every day but it slowly progressed where it was once every morning. After a handful of months it progresses to going through this vomit phase a couple of few times having rough mornings until I made it in the car to start my commute to work. All would be well. Then, once every few months I had this awful sharp almost like severely trapped gas pain directly under my ribs. I couldn’t sleep, get comfortable, couldn’t eat (was already struggling with my appetite at this point) yet try to take sips of my booze and vomit it up. These kind of days I would feel the need to puke off and on all day, veery green colored fluid or brownish/yellowish color mucus was the only thing that would come up. No medicine could ease the pain I just had to ride it out for about 2 days. I began to connect it to the drinking but shoved it aside. Fast forward to mid July this year. I was basically not eating. I got so skinny it was bad. I’m talking July 2021 I weighed 192 pounds and in July I weighed barely 120 pounds at 5’6”. Yikes. I experienced swollen ankles, hands and fingers so something was not good. Then, the worst unfolded within 48 hours that scared me beyond any fear I’ve ever had. I was sitting in bed after a long day at work and felt like my tummy was filling up with gas but it felt like…fluid. Like a hose was dropped to the ground while still on. I felt it expand inside and even felt my stomach grow while my arms were resting in front of my belly. It took me by surprise. What’s this? But I dismissed it as gas that’ll work it’s way out when I go to bed soon. Next morning I felt faint, like I could pass out with a rapid heart rate so I called into work. My belly was distended, where I looked like I was overdue to have a baby. I wasn’t going pee but maybe once a day and I drank water like crazy. Every day, at least a gallon of water. And as I moved, I could feel fluid sloshing around inside. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and thought my eyes looked yellow in color. My skin, too, but it started out looking like I was getting a tan. My urine was almost tea color leaving a yellow residue similar in color to iodine. Looking closer, I freaked myself out and realized I had to be jaundice. But I kept drinking. My stomach was so distended and full I couldn’t do anything but lie down on my left side. I had this painful pulling, pressure discomfort that standing was next to impossible, hard to catch my breath, I couldn’t sit because my tummy stuck out so much it pulled me backward. I could barely walk due to my swollen abdomen sticking out so much my center of gravity was way off. It only got worse. My stomach grew, I couldn’t stay awake, I would stop breathing I’m deep sleep waking myself up with weird gasping noises. My skin looked so thin that a piece of scotch tape could rip it open. I couldn’t stay awake. I couldn’t think clearly. I was literally dying and finally stopped drinking then. It was very uncomfortable but my thought was, “this is because of alcohol so stopping I’ll recover.” No…I didn’t recover I still had the fluid and still had the jaundice and all the other awful symptoms but at least made it to day 8 and couldn’t take the unknown anymore thus going to the hospital. I had alcohol induced hepatitis (hence the jaundice) and was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver. My Bilirubin levels were through the roof. The belly had 5.8 liters of ascites requiring a procedure to drain it all out so that was close to 13 pounds of fluid just hanging out in my abdomen and even tho I was technically hydrated my body wasn’t able to absorb the electrolytes. Toxins had built up which could’ve caused me to have a brain infection and die but more realistically, all that fluid buildup was begging to press on a major blood vessel under my liver causing a catastrophic heart failure, pulmonary embolism, or a stroke. I was admitted for 4 days and was informed by several doctors they would’ve been completely DC surprised if I made it 6 months. I was actually dying. Alcohol was killing me because it’s a poison. Plain and simple. It breaks down into something that’s poisonous to our bodies and the feel good reaction is the poison altering our mind. Getting the fluid off my tummy made a huge difference where I could eat and sit comfortably. It took about 3 days with medicine to watch the jaundice in my skin vanish. My eyes, however, still have a tinge of yellow but you really gotta look hard.
There’s more to the story I’ll happily share with you because you really need to attend a recovery program and learn about why you drink, what triggers you and his to defeat it. I have gotten deep into my faith as well. I have no desire to drink anymore because IT WILL KILL ME. If you continue this path, the same will happen not if but when. I had one foot in the grave but learned through treatment so much about triggers, codependency, exit strategies relapse prevention and so forth. Please keep in touch. Please get sober. Take care of yourself! Preformatted text