I have daddy issues too, I’m gonna be no help on this one. But I wish you well and I hope it all goes well. Congratulations on the new house! 
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Good morning, folks (well, it’s morning here). Just wanted to extend a huge THANK YOU to everyone who took the time to read and respond. I feel bad about writing such a long original post, but this has been weighing so heavily on me the past day or two. I really needed to just get all of those thoughts out of me. I am feeling a bit more optimistic about it now. They will not be easy days, this I know.
Worse comes to worse, I only need to remind myself that I’ll only need to deal with this for 3-4 days a week over the next month or so. At best, maybe there is an opportunity here for our relationship to get better (wishful thinking, but ruling out the possibility altogether will only guarantee it won’t happen). I just need to be willing to stand up for myself if push comes to shove, if I truly feel a line is being crossed.
I am going to take the actions I’ve stated previously if things get to that place, and also keep in mind that I could have much worse problems to deal with. It’s certainly not pleasant and can cause me some noteworthy mental anguish, but I’ve gotten through it before with him. My own outlook and approach from the start will be important.
Love you guys and gals.
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Good plan & best of luck. You’ll be in my thoughts & the feelings are mutual 
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I really need to know where the rabbit eats the cabbage??
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In a strong wind, the reed will bend. In the end, the wind dies down, but the reed still stands. Which is really stronger, the wind, or the reed?
Your Dad is likely very set in his ways, and you know he blows like the wind. You are the reed. You bend, but do not break, and in the end, you stand.
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Thanks, sir — truth be told I was kind of hoping you’d weigh in, since you’re about the same age as my Dad, and you said you’ve got kid(s) my age – and you have done so, as only you can. I appreciate it!
I actually just got off the phone with him to lay out the general plan for tomorrow. I approached the call as positively as I could from the start (all I can do) and it was an unexpectedly pleasant conversation, so we’re starting on the right foot.
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Ok, so here’s a tip on how to use mental and verbal judo.
Your Dad is an “expert” in his trade, and has the skills you require. You are the homeowner: You own the “vision” and “final result desired”. These are the realities. You can’t be him, and he can’t be you. You stay in your lane. This is how you get him to stay in his lane
Ask his opinion frequently on “technical” matters, as he is the “expert” in how to get things done. Explain your vision, and ask him how to make it so. He will tell you. He might even give you some practical suggestions to improve upon what you’ve laid out. Listen to these, and don’t take them him sticking his chopsticks in your ricebowl. If he challenges some part of your vision, ask him if there is a technical basis for his views, or if this is a difference of taste. My son and I like the same basic foods. It’s the spices where we differ. This is a matter of taste. We both like firearms. He goes for the tricked out tacticool stuff. Me? I like my stuff “un-bubba’d”. Again, a matter of taste. As long as I preface discussions on these matters as differences of taste, he accepts my reasons why I do what I do, and the way I do it.
You might have read here where I write “Different. Not better, or worse, just different”. I have said this to my son so many times, that he now says it back to me. It clears away the challenge, so we can see each other’s points of view.
So, if during the project, you sense him getting wound up. turn whatever it is into a “technical problem”, and ask him how he thinks the two of you should go about solving it. This will activate a different part of his brain, diverting energy away from the emotional centers. If it sound’s like a good plan (and it likely will be), go with it…even if it’s not your plan. As long as the final result desired is achieved, the path matters little in the end. If you are walking his way, he will appreciate it.
You get what you want. He gets what he needs. Win/Win.
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Your story could be mine, my dad has bullied my mum for 57 years, is verbally abusive, controlling and has out of control temper tantrums not unlike a 2 year old. My childhood was a nightmare, I remember feeling anxious aged 4 , which carried on in to adulthood and lead me to drink. Drinking took away the anxiety for a short time…
After 53 years of this behaviour I confronted my dad and told him exactly how he is, how his behaviour has been the blight on our family life. I also said I would take my mum and move away if he didn’t stop the abuse! She has Alzheimer’s and is very vulnerable. This was 6 months ago, he has only had one tantrum since then and I just left the house and went to my yoga class. ( it was directed at me ). What I have learned is I don’t need his approval and i am wasting my time trying to please him, nothing will ever be enough…
He will always be a bully, homophobic, racist and a miserable old man but no don’t need to leg him bring me down too… I walk away or remove myself from the room and ignore his behaviour and do something else! Basically I don’t let him have any mileage to spread his negativity on my day! Alot of the time I just give him a look and he knows not to push it… Hope this helps, if he picks off at you calmly walk away and refuse to engage in his behaviour…
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Sorry typo meant to say kicks off 
I dig it. I’ll definitely keep this stuff in mind tomorrow.
Thanks for such thoughtful responses, I appreciate it!
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I feel you @TMAC. My ex father in law treated his family like that all the time. Nobody was good enough and he is awful with wife and sons. He never mean it in bad way but it is terrible to watch it. He loves to help but he wants you to be thankful for a lifetime. He had a hard time as a child and obviously never learned how to be kind to people. Sigh … sad when you cant even be kind with family.
So stay strong and stand your way 
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Day 1 working with Dad is done…and today, my Dad did not utter a single word to me that had ANY heat behind it. That is absolutely a first for any time we’ve been in the same room together longer than 2-3 hours (it was nearly EIGHT), let alone working together in said room.
I was trying to make sense of it…and then I realized, just appreciate it! I made an effort to approach the day positively and with an open mind, and it seems he’s trying to do the same. I appreciate that. It was great!
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Yayyyyyy!!! I was thinking about you guys earlier as I was painting, wondering how it was going. That’s fantastic!
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I have been thinking about you this weekend. I am SO happy for you & hope the same for tomorrow 
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Hopefully it keeps up. Maybe say to him sometime how much you enjoyed or appreciated spending time with him without fighting. I bet it would mean a lot to him.
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This is beautiful advice here from @BondJaneBond. Your Dad is doing his best, which isn’t very good, it doesn’t give him a pass, but given some compassion, you can learn to forgive him his sins. Not forget, not absolve, but understand that he is a product of his environment.
I think you are wise to have your gf with you if that ramps down your Dad a bit. It always amazes me how I wish a different interaction with my Mom or a closeness with my Dad or brothers, even after 57 years of none of that. So I get it.
You are doing a great job and have so much to be proud of. I bet your Dad IS proud of you, he just is incapable of showing it in the way you want, so he shows it by offering his work for you.
Your post was helpful in many ways to remind me that my parents are just humans doing the best they can with what they have and know.
Much peace to you. And congrats on the house!
Edited to add…glad your day went so well. A true blessing!
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Was thinking something along those lines, “thanks for being so patient with me, i liked working together on this stuff yesterday”. Thanks!
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So how’d the project go?
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Still ongoing, I figure this will be for 1-2 months, but holy cow, it’s been great so far! A lot of mutual respect going on. Not a single venomous word between us to this point. I’m not sure if it’s because my GF has been there with us (albeit it not in the same room, just in the house), or if this is really the start of a new, healthier, happier chapter for us…I sincerely hope it’s the latter, and I’m going to keep my side of the fence as tidy as possible to try and keep encouraging things in that direction. Maybe it wasn’t lost on him just how dangerous our last blow-up was, maybe he had picked up on that I was ready to cut things right then and there.
It’ll just be he and I this Saturday, all day, so we’ll see how that goes. I’m optimistic, and I won’t immediately shut down if a barb or two does get thrown my way. Can’t expect it to be perfect. Seems he’s really trying, and I appreciate that. He gets some leeway.
My GF actually picked up on me doing something you suggested. She said after we left on Sunday, “I think he really appreciates that you’re asking him questions, even when it’s stuff I know that you know how to do and don’t need to ask about”. I told her it was no mistake that I was doing that. Thanks again for that, sir.
I really hope things can keep going like this!
EDIT: It probably also helps that I’m keeping him full of seafood salad subs. If there’s one thing we both like to do, it’s eat.
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I am super happy for you. 
As a parent, I know how much it means to spend time with your adult children. It sounds like you are both making a real effort.
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