Dealing with Dad

Sorry if this is the wrong place for this, and I think I may just be venting because I’m anxious. Let me preface this by saying that I love my Dad. However, our relationship has always been tense.

Dad had a very old-school upbringing in Ireland…aka men are tough, do not show or talk about emotion, etc. These are not exaggerations: I have never once heard him apologize for something (even when clearly in the wrong), he has never told me that he is proud of me in any context, he’s impenetrably stubborn - again, even when clearly off the mark. I consider myself to be pretty reasonable, and there is no reasoning with him once he’s decided he’s right – which is his default. I am careful to not take a bad tone with him at all times, but even with being as respectful as I can be, he will still blow up on me at the drop of a hat. I should also remark that there are only two people he is like this with: me, and my mother, who divorced 27 years ago. He doesn’t treat me like this in front of other people.

My GF and I recently bought a house, and were prepared to do all the work on it ourselves. My Dad does interior/exterior for a living – I didn’t ask for his help, but he offered it and I accepted. I also really appreciate it, he’s great at what he does. However it dawned on me yesterday that this meant we’d be working together. Historically…this always results in an argument, him constantly yelling at me and treating me like I’m stupid. He takes out his frustrations on me. Eventually I sometimes get to a breaking point and will fire back, only to get verbally battered “back into my place”.

I am now dreading this weekend when we begin painting. I could now say “thanks but no thanks”, but that in itself would cause an argument. It takes very little for him to go off, even when delivered as nicely and politely as I can. He gets into this mode where his mindset is “I am right, and what you have to say doesn’t matter”. He just doesn’t hear me when I try to reason with him. Our last big argument resulted in me deciding to sever ties with him, after he went off on me and called me an “asshole” and a “prick” for not wanting to give him the financial details of my house because I consider money stuff to be private (mind you, his immediate question after I told him about the purchase was “how much?”. Not “congrats”, not “i’m proud of you”, not even “where is it?”…just a flat, unexcited “how much”). But when he called me a week later, I caved and called him back. There was never an apology, we just carried on like nothing had happened. Him making the first phone call was, in his eyes I guess, the apology.

My point is: I often get the feeling that he doesn’t respect me, my thoughts, or my feelings. I can be talking to him and none of it registers with him. All I want is for him to be proud of me, and I do my best. I got sober. I got a great job. I bought a fucking house. I completely turned my life around over the last 6 years. I worked my ass off for all of it, and yet all he ever is towards me most of the time is either critical or dismissive. He does do nice things for me, like help me work on my car and this time on the house, and I really appreciate it, I do – but I don’t think that gives him a “pass” to then treat me like this during it. I just don’t understand it.

Sorry for the rant and length. Just dreading the weekend and hoping it doesn’t push me over the edge. He has literally already told me out loud “you will probably get yelled at a lot”. I guess all I can do is try to remain as cordial and respectful as possible, take the high road, and hope for the best.

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Words of positivity and encouragement fail me today but know I’m giving you hugs from here. That type of strained relationship is really hard, but I really do hope you guys can repair your relationship! It may go very well, I have my fingers crossed for that for you!

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Thanks, Mandi. Sorry for such a long post, I really really needed to just get it all off my chest…haven’t been able to stop thinking about it, and it’s mental noise like this that can threaten my sobriety and well-being.

I hope you are right that it will go smoothly. I am doubtful, but I’m going to do my best to approach it optimisticly.

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It’s really all you can do. I’ve been finding myself stressing the last few days about things as well. I think it’s the weather, house stress, work stress, past stuff coming back, plus working on sobriety-its overwhelming at times! Especially with big stuff like that coming up when you’re sober that you’ve never really resolved. Happens to the best of us! But know you’re not alone and I’m thinking good thoughts for you!!! :hugs: I’m glad you were able to get it out, that really is necessary for healing but try to keep an open mind about it and stay positive about it if you can.

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Definitely. I know if I go into this thinking that a huge argument is inevitable, then that only increases the chances of it happening.

My plan is to try to have my girlfriend in the same room as us as much as possible. He won’t act like this in front of her. It feels like a cop-out, but my biggest fear is the relationship between he and I becoming irreparably damaged. It almost happened last time, and I dont want it to.

Thanks for the kind words :slight_smile:

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That’s actually a great plan in my opinion, now isnt the time for a big blow out. Hugs!!

That’s tough. I understand being frustrated by children myself. I pray that I dont continue to be like this with my children as they grow and become adults.

I wonder why your Father is like this? What led him to the point where he’s so emotionally closed off? Has he suffered trauma in the past?

These are questions you may never get an answer to. One thing is for sure though. You will always win an arguement if you are the one who remains calm and collected. If he gets frustrated and irate, you just explain to him very calmly your point of view and reasoning. If he doesn’t hear you, then gently confront him on it. Why do you treat me like this? Why am I a burden on you? Why offer to help if I make you so mad?

If all else fails, you can just distance yourself from him and the next time he wants more, tell him that you can’t be around him until he’s figured out what is wrong in his own life.

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Before a project starts, can you both discuss your expectations clearly so there can be no confusion to get yelled at for?

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Thank you. I think he never really learned how to express himself or his feelings due to how he was brought up, so he gets frustrated which turns to anger. Who knows though, I’m no psychologist.

Its difficult to gently confront him on it, which I have tried, because he turns the tables on me. He’ll bring up any nice thing he’s ever done for me and use that as grounds to try and portray me as being an asshole. Doing something nice for someone doesn’t give you the right to verbally and emotionally abuse them as you see fit.

I am not an angry or violent person. But my Dad is the one person I know that can draw absolute rage out of me, with enough prodding and beratement. Its happened a few times when we’ve worked together. My skin gets hot, my teeth and fists clench, i feel my blood pressure skyrocket. A fear of mine is that one day I’ll swing at him and that I won’t stop. I certainly dont want that – but after years and years of this, I don’t know if i’d be able to hold back if i started. Theres a lot of pent-up stuff towards him that I’ve learned to stifle for the sake of not getting into it with him.

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He may never change. It may take you changing your expectations.

By all means you should get love, admiration & unconditional encouragement from parents…but some parents have issues that we can’t fix & maybe they can’t either. Not giving him a pass, he just may never be a source for some of your emotional needs.

So what do you do about it? Same thing I did with my mom. I loved her and honored her for being my mom, looked out for her, cared for her…but didn’t depend on her to fulfill any of my emotional needs. She wasn’t capable. Nor did I allow myself to get drawn in to her drama.

I emotionally detatched a bit. It was very hard at first. But healthy for me. I looked to other family members & friends to fufill my needs for praise & encouragement. I got what I needed, from healthier sources and this relieved a lot of overall tension.

Just carry on with confidence & paintbrush in hand this weekend. Do not allow anyone to make you feel like a 5yr old in your own home. Keep your temper in check & continually remind yourself its him, it’s his issue.

It’s sad to watch someone go through life like that. I know first hand. HUGS TO YOU AND CONGRATULATIONS ON BEING SOBER, LANDING A GREAT NEW JOB, HAVING A KICK A#% GIRLFRIEND & BUYING YOUR FIRST HOME!!! That’s Amazing. Be proud!! You deserve to feel good :heart:

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Unfortunately, after knowing this man for nearly 30 years and how his mind works – he’ll get defensive. I have tried to approach him in the past to try and speak with him as a reasonable adult when approaching something like this, cool and collected. He goes from 0 to 100 real fast. I usually dont get anywhere. I will try though.

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Thank you so, so much. That means a lot. I honestly believe he has some form of depression, and his lack of dealing with it or being able to express whatever his feelings are end up manifesting as anger (I don’t dare suggest this to him). I’m the only person he has that he can direct it at and not lose. I know he loves me, and I love him and its unlikely i’d be able to stick to my guns if i tried to cut him out. I dont want that to get to that point again. He doesn’t really have any friends that I know of, and all of his family is overseas.

Something that makes me feel awful is that when he goes back to the old country for 3 months or so in the winter, I don’t really miss him most of the time. I mostly feel relieved :confused:

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Man! Do I hear you. Your dad & my mom we’re cut from the same cloth :hugs: I just made a conscious decision years ago that I wouldn’t allow her moods to hurt my feelings anymore. I’d do my best not to take her attacks personally and that seemed to work for me.

No, I’d never want you to sever ties, no need to go that far. Just kind of mentally shift the power in the relationship over to your side more. The more I remained calm & unruffled around her, the more powerful I felt. The more ok I felt. The less I felt like I was walking on egg shells around her, you know? It felt liberating to kind of break out from under her thumb :hugs:

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P.S. my mom had no friends either (because she alienated everyone) I was all she had left. Took a few years but I did shift our relationship to one I could handle better. She passed away 4 years ago. Sadly, she’s isn’t missed much by anyone in the family… that’s a tough sentence to write

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I will give it a shot. I am able to control my outward reaction towards him mostly (out of necessity, really), but inside there are points where I’m absolutely boiling. I will try to shift my thinking to “this is his problem, not mine”. It’ll be tough.

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My grandmother was the same way. The problem was clearly with her and not everyone else, but she made it clear it was everyone else.
I always held my tongue, until I didn’t anymore. I finally snapped the last time I saw her. I believe my last words were " quit projecting your bullshit on me. If anyone is a cunt, it’s you. Ungrateful bitch." (I had driven 14 hours to clean her house out, and was berated and belittled the entire time I was there, which ended up being about 6 hours. Until she called me a dumb cunt.) I looked at my mom and told her if she wasn’t in my car in 5 minutes, she could find her own way home. In the car she said “I don’t care if I ever see her again.” We never saw her again. She died 6 months later. and it hasn’t made me sad once.

I wish I had something more supportive than that for you. But really, sometimes we just have to bite our tounges as long as possible. Good luck on your projects. Hope he isn’t too much of an asshole.

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He definitely seems like a VERY hard personality to get along with. That man sounds beyond stubborn. And I don’t blame you for not wanting to do renovations with him because of it. Like you know, that’s what I’ve been going through-renovations, this past month and it’s nothing short of stressful and my husband is generally easy to get along with.

If you can do the renovations without him, I would opt to do so. If you think he’ll be of benefit or you can’t do it without him, then what @BondJaneBond said, try to adjust your expectations.

I feel you on getting your life together, accomplishing things and still not being good enough for your parent/parents. I deal with this same thing with my mom. My oldest is 9 and I could count on both hands the amount of times she’s watched my kids, I worked my way up with the company I’m at and now and work full time with a good (decent for California) salary, I own two homes in Southern California, and am fully involved in my kids lives and put them first always-never put them in day care (personal goal, nothing against this)… But my mom will still look down on all of it because I don’t have a degree. I finally realized that I’m ok without her approval. And life has been easier.

I really really hope you get everything done this weekend you wanted to. Don’t let him stand in your way!

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Yep, he certainly can be. Especially when we work together. Part of me thinks hes disappointed i didnt go into the trades like him and that I opted for “white collar” work. But who knows?

i’d say you’ve got some pretty damn good accomplishments under your belt :slight_smile: Good for you for being able to find the valudation from within. Hope your own renovations are coming along nicely, friend :smiley:

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I’d say thats a fair assessment. I know he does care about me, otherwise he wouldn’t offer help the way he does. And, i truly appreciate that he does. I just don’t understand why he needs to tear into me the way he does, and why he loses his temper with me so easily without provocation. Something as simple as asking him to repeat himself because I didn’t hear him etc can do the trick. If I ask him about why he does it, it just makes it worse.

I think if things hit a breaking point during all this, I am planning on using statements rather than questions. I’ve asked the "why?"s before, and gotten nowhere.

I will state that his berating and belittling me makes me feel horrible about myself. I dont think i’ve ever explicitly told him that. I will state that I try my best and that his anger towards me is not warranted or necessary. And if I must, I will state that I won’t be made to feel that way in my own home. I give him respect, and as a man who has worked for what I have, I feel that I at least deserve the same in return. If he’s hard on me, so be it, but I deserve respect.

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Also, never heard that expression. I plan on using it in future :grinning:

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