Sorry if this is the wrong place for this, and I think I may just be venting because I’m anxious. Let me preface this by saying that I love my Dad. However, our relationship has always been tense.
Dad had a very old-school upbringing in Ireland…aka men are tough, do not show or talk about emotion, etc. These are not exaggerations: I have never once heard him apologize for something (even when clearly in the wrong), he has never told me that he is proud of me in any context, he’s impenetrably stubborn - again, even when clearly off the mark. I consider myself to be pretty reasonable, and there is no reasoning with him once he’s decided he’s right – which is his default. I am careful to not take a bad tone with him at all times, but even with being as respectful as I can be, he will still blow up on me at the drop of a hat. I should also remark that there are only two people he is like this with: me, and my mother, who divorced 27 years ago. He doesn’t treat me like this in front of other people.
My GF and I recently bought a house, and were prepared to do all the work on it ourselves. My Dad does interior/exterior for a living – I didn’t ask for his help, but he offered it and I accepted. I also really appreciate it, he’s great at what he does. However it dawned on me yesterday that this meant we’d be working together. Historically…this always results in an argument, him constantly yelling at me and treating me like I’m stupid. He takes out his frustrations on me. Eventually I sometimes get to a breaking point and will fire back, only to get verbally battered “back into my place”.
I am now dreading this weekend when we begin painting. I could now say “thanks but no thanks”, but that in itself would cause an argument. It takes very little for him to go off, even when delivered as nicely and politely as I can. He gets into this mode where his mindset is “I am right, and what you have to say doesn’t matter”. He just doesn’t hear me when I try to reason with him. Our last big argument resulted in me deciding to sever ties with him, after he went off on me and called me an “asshole” and a “prick” for not wanting to give him the financial details of my house because I consider money stuff to be private (mind you, his immediate question after I told him about the purchase was “how much?”. Not “congrats”, not “i’m proud of you”, not even “where is it?”…just a flat, unexcited “how much”). But when he called me a week later, I caved and called him back. There was never an apology, we just carried on like nothing had happened. Him making the first phone call was, in his eyes I guess, the apology.
My point is: I often get the feeling that he doesn’t respect me, my thoughts, or my feelings. I can be talking to him and none of it registers with him. All I want is for him to be proud of me, and I do my best. I got sober. I got a great job. I bought a fucking house. I completely turned my life around over the last 6 years. I worked my ass off for all of it, and yet all he ever is towards me most of the time is either critical or dismissive. He does do nice things for me, like help me work on my car and this time on the house, and I really appreciate it, I do – but I don’t think that gives him a “pass” to then treat me like this during it. I just don’t understand it.
Sorry for the rant and length. Just dreading the weekend and hoping it doesn’t push me over the edge. He has literally already told me out loud “you will probably get yelled at a lot”. I guess all I can do is try to remain as cordial and respectful as possible, take the high road, and hope for the best.