Reading this made me smile. Try not to over-think his motives or mindset. Focus on you. Keep doing what you are doing, grace and space if it looks like he’s having “a moment”
I pray that THIS is a turning point in your relationship, and that you aren’t just building a room, you are building a future with your Dad.
This was my project today in the main area while Dad was painting around, in his element…no harsh words today, either! Thats 3 days now working together with no arguments.
Stripped the paint and sanded off the urethane. Thick layer of paint on there. Took about 6 hours to do by hand, just for this little thing.
This makes my heart so happy! Fingers crossed this could be a turning point & a new cool, adult-type relationship with mutual respect is being born 
Thank you! and thank you again for your kind words and advice on this thread, and on other threads. You are so valuable to this community and to my own personal sober path! 
Just a quick update:
I had the realization last night, while on the phone with my Dad, that lately this has been the best our relationship has ever been, and for the longest time we’ve gone without things heading south. I actually have been feeling a real bond.
The other day he asked me to order something for him, a part for a fishing reel. Just a little piece he needed. He doesn’t have a computer or credit cards, so he asks me to get stuff for him sometimes. I saw on the tracking that it got delivered yesterday, so I called him last night to just make sure it got there and that it’s the right part. It was, and he said to me “Thanks for ordering it. It’s just a small thing, but it keeps me happy”. I couldn’t help but smile, I have NEVER heard my Dad talk like that, about feelings of any kind or what makes him happy. It was really really great, difficult to explain why it felt like such a moment.
I am so glad that things are going like this. Our relationship has really escalated to a level it’s never been to before. 5 months ago, I was on the verge of not speaking to him anymore after a blow-out between us…and now, this is where we are. Just awesome
He’s heading back to the “old country” on Monday, won’t be back until February. I’m going to really miss him.
This makes my heart happy!!! I’m so happy for you Tristan!
This is so very good to hear. Very happy that this going well, for the both of you.
Both of you offered me such great advice on this thread, and it really helped get this started! Our relationship turning around started with our work on the house, and has gone upward since.
Thank you both!
My son held a lot of anger and resentment towards me, for the divorce. He lived with his mother, so I understood that he had to be angry at someone, so I was it.
Out watershed took place over a 3-day hike on the Appalachian trail, when he was 22, and I was 44. I let him lead off first. He tried to hike me into the ground. I as a retired Marine, and avid hiker, it wasn’t gonna happen, but I let him set the pace, let him get all tired and tuckered out.
That night, we ate, and talked. He started going on about how hard his mother was on him, when he was a teen. I didn’t say one negative thing.
The next day, I let him lead again. He was a bit slower, still tired I guess, but I could see him trying to press it.
We spoke again that night. Again he started being critical of his mother. Then he said, “you know how she is Dad.”
I said, "Actually, I don’t know how she is. If I had, I likely would have been more of the husband she wanted. She didn’t know how I was. If she had, she’d have likely been more of the wife I wanted. We were two young people, who hadn’t quite figured ourselves out, when we married, and we never figured each other out, while we were married. I am sorry you were affected by it, but I don’t have anything bad to say about her.
The last day, he said “why don’t you take lead Dad.” So I did. When we got to the end, he was tuckered, but I could have gone several more miles. He asked, “how come you aren’t wiped out at the end of every day on the trail?”
I said, “Because I have walked this trail so many times, I know when to go fast, and I know when to go slow. This was your first time, so you don’t know what’s up ahead. It’s kinda like life. I’m your Dad. If you want to know what’s up ahead, ask me. I can tell you about the times I went fast, when I should’a gone slow, and vice versa.”.
We’ve been tight ever since.
Awesome story, sir. Glad you and your son have a great bond now. You didn’t tag along when your son was negatively speaking of his Mother – you could have, and that would’ve been the easy way to make a bond with him, albeit one with a very sour base.
One thing I have always given both of my parents credit for, is I have never ONCE heard either one of them say an ill word about the other. They divorced when I was 3. While I struggled with the divorce for several years, probably up until I was about 9 or 10, the fact that they never once spoke negatively about one another made it a lot easier for me.
Just keep building that relationship with your Dad. One nail, one board, one brick at a time.
A Shift In Perspective
Last night I was thinking a lot about my relationship with my Dad and how strong it has become over the last several months. I was thinking about how when I made this post originally, I had been having hypothetical arguments with my Dad in my head in preparation for when we began our work together on my house. An argument seemed inevitable, since we always would have them when working together especially, and I developed a habit over time to be ready for them by having the argument in my head in advance. I’d have several retorts lined up. I recalled one of the lines in my “arsenal” for the impending argument:
“You know Dad, I never asked you for your help with the house”
It lingered in my head last night.
“I never asked you for your help with the house”
Which is true, I hadn’t. Last night I realized that back in August, I saw his help as an intrusion, an overstep. He’s very good at what he does, one of the best in the area, so his work is/was very much appreciated. But, at the time, on some level it ruffled my feathers that I had never asked, nor had he offered help…he just sort of assumed I wanted it, and then jumped in.
I thought about it some more.
“I never asked you for your help”
And you know what? That’s still true. But what I’ve come to realize is that it wasn’t an intrusion, it wasn’t an overstep, and it certainly wasn’t meant the way that I originally perceived it. My Dad did what he did because he LOVES me. He wants me and my girlfriend to have a beautiful home to live in. He doesn’t want some second-rate contractor doing any work for me, he wants to do it himself, because then he knows it will be done the right way. I can appreciate that. We share that intense attention to detail. Guess where I learned it from?
Our relationship has grown to levels which it has never reached. There is such a high level of mutual understanding and respect. This is especially important to me because I always felt that my Dad did not respect me as a grown man. I often felt that my thoughts and opinions fell on deaf ears with him. But now he listens, he understands (or at least tries to), and is much more open. He has begun to respect my opinions, and accepts that yes, I do know what I’m talking about most of the time and that my ideas have validity. I know home ownership is a great source of pride for him, and perhaps now that he has seen that I do not take it lightly, he has come to respect me more.
He is not as short-fused with me anymore. There are times where I think he is going to blow up, and I can physically see him catch himself and calm down. It’s really cool how he has turned this corner. In turn, I am doing what I can to keep my side of things clean and just be a good to son to him. I ask him for his opinions and advice – half because I would like it/need it, and half because I know he likes it when I consult him.
Maybe this is the sort of clarity that only comes with sobriety. Maybe I’m getting a little bit wiser as I age. Maybe both. All I do know is that my perspective has definitely changed for the better. I look forward to this shift in view being applied to other aspects of my life.
Thanks again to everyone who weighed in.
Im so happy to read this! Ive thought of your relationship with your dad several times over the last many months and was hoping for this.
This is beautiful, I’m glad you shared! 
My relationship with my father is very similar. I think there’s something of a natural progression that we go through as young men growing up under the gaze of critical and ornery fathers. The motivation to see us succeed stems from they way they perceive our actions as a reflection on them. I think my dad sees my mistakes as something that could be avoided if I just shut up and listened to his wisdom.
Not sure where you stand on the outlaw country genre but Waylon did a pretty good job of putting it into lyrics .https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1C6cZ8VS_IU
Thats some spiritual growth right there - I love it.
@DungeonMaster @MandiH @Mtrav0040 @NewPerspective
Thank you all for your kind words and support! 
it’s been a great ~6 months. We had a major blow-up back in May from when we first bought the house (i think I detailed it earlier in the thread), and things have really improved consistently from there. He’s actually here right now working while I WFH.
I nearly broke down in tears over this. I wish I had this awareness earlier. @Mtrav0040, it’s not just young men. I had a critical and ornery father growing up, too. As @TMAC, I saw all his help, over my adult years, as interference and butting in. I am really glad I saw this today. I haven’t talked to my Dad in a long while. I have been really stressed over it.
Thanks, man!
I have an Irish father, I know what it can be like, strong quiet men with high standards can be quite intimidating and we can feel inferior, I now look at my father as an inspiration, life time tee totaller, he’s not perfect but he is a hero in my eyes.
I was able to help him with something a few weeks ago which felt really good, but bittersweet as I felt I should be there to help more. I miss my family alot, living in another country can be lonely sometimes, especially when you’d just love to stop in for a cup of tea or coffee and see them.
Cherish your family, you are very blessed.
You’re right @EarnIt! My omission was not to exclude the daughters of the world who grow up under controlling dads. I was simply relating to OP because he and I share that similar upbringing.
Apologies if it appeared that way, thanks for clarifying.
