So sorry to hear that you have had to go through this, and yet there is hope in that your mother has admitted to wrongheadedness.
My first wife was Filipina. Now I wasn’t the first in my family to marry a non-caucasian. My cousin had married a single-mom from Ecuador some years before me (and they are still married 35 years later). I was very worried that my Boston Irish/Italian family might not accept my wife. If there was any hint of racism towards her, I would have nipped it in the bud. Fortunately there wasn’t.
Had there been, I would have reminded them that when we married, we became “one flesh”. Skin color is just that. Everything beneath it is the same. Blood, bone, sinew, brain, heart.
My advice: hear them out. If they are accounting for their actions, and are willing to apologize to your wife too, wipe the slate. Hanging on to old hurts won’t accomplish anything. However, have little tolerance for future slights and insults. You are one flesh. If they prick her, you bleed as well.
Peace.
3 Likes
Thanks @TMAC, @anon12657779, @Yoda-Stevie.
That’s the thing with racism. Sometimes it is hard to come up with definitive proof. This has been the culmination of a lot of judgement and criticism on their part. There’s been the talks where they try to sew doubt in me regarding my wife and her intentions. There’s been my dad saying that it’s difficult for him to be in the same room as my wife or son because they’re too loud. (This from a man with severe hearing loss). As well as a host of other micro-aggressions. Nothing that could be called out as racist specifically. But when evaluated as a whole, its evident.
When I asked my dad to borrow his woodsplitter to get my shed stocked for winter he scoffed and brought up a bunch of reasons why I shouldn’t be trusted with his precious equipment. (I have operated one of these on numerous occasions and they bought all of their wood pre-split this spring)
It just stood out to me as this clear effort to “teach me a lesson” and withhold his support of a union he disagrees with. They gave me the, “you only call when you need something” speech. Which is flat out untrue. I’d just had it. I snapped. I felt so patronized and deliberately unsupported. All of these resentments over their behavior came to the surface and I raged on my dad. Then he came over and I looked him square in the eye and said it all again. I hadn’t ever seen him cower to me. But he did that day because he knew I was right.
Anyway, thanks again. More than anything I just needed to get my thoughts out.
3 Likes
It’s not a court of law. In personal relationships, perception is reality. It does help not to be overly sensitive to certain aspects of personality. Someone who is abrasive with everyone isn’t necessarily being racist, nor is someone being racist if the one perceiving the racism defensive/combative as a matter of personality.
In any conflict resolution strategy, it is best to confirm what the other means by their statements and actions, ie. “What do you mean when you say “you people”?”
When I entered the Marines in the early 80’s, there was still some lingering racism in the ranks, which makes sense, when you are mixing young men from inner-cities, rural areas, suburban communities, ethnicities, cultures, different socio-economic backgrounds. I experienced it, both overtly and subtly, and observed it. I became somewhat keen in reading the difference between a good-natured ribbing, legitimate critique, or something with malice behind it, and this determined how I responded. It also made me sure to speak very clearly so as to leave no doubt as to where I was coming from.
Anyways, where I facing what you and your bride are, my goal would be reconciliation and working to change attitudes through example. Proverbs 31 lays out all of the attributes of an awesome wife. Doesn’t say anything about skin color. If they can’t accept her for being part of you, this is their deficiency, not yours or your bride’s.
You are of course free to disagree and disregard, as I am but a single POV from the stands. Regardless, I wish you both well.
4 Likes
Whoo, my serenity is all sorts of nonexistent right now. I’m not sure how well I handled that talk with my parents.
I think that everyone was sincere but there was a lot that was skipped over. It felt like we never really dealt with the meat of the matter. Looking back they did manipulate the conversation by playing the victim quite often. It’s hard to ignore my dad’s cancer fight and the physical pain he’s going to have to suffer with. But I did come away with a positive feeling that we all would be working to improve the relationship.
My wife is still harboring some pretty major resentment towards them and I’m feeling a little caught in the middle. I completely support her feelings but I want everyone to get along. She shouldn’t have to reconcile with people she feels uncomfortable around and they have not done a great job of welcoming her into their family. I just don’t know how to facilitate the way to peace.
I don’t need to know that now. Just going to rest and hope that an epiphany from my HP hits me soon.
2 Likes
I am so happy your relationship with your dad has been looking up. 
1 Like
Sadly that story resonates with my parents. None of their kids call them or visit them, and we all avoid them like a plague, because they have become a plague. We learned, through our deep pains and hurts, and hours and hours of counseing and reading, that in the end, it was their fault for being who they were. They had a choice to recognize why others were avoiding them, and change, but they didn’t.