That’s really good to hear 
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I meant to say that I can really relate to this. When my Dad and I had our blow-up in May, I left his house with the intention of not speaking with him for a long, long while. We can both be stubborn bastards, especially when we feel wronged, so I knew there would be a standoff. We had plenty of arguments before that, but I would rarely push back on him. This time I did, and when I left his house, I could tell this argument was different. It felt…like something final.
It was a week before the phone rang. I was surprised, as he is NEVER the one to break a stalemate. Ever. He is far too prideful. Also, the phone call came much sooner than I expected. Hell, I wasn’t expecting one at all.
I have never felt such a sense of relief as I did when we put the water under the fridge. We didn’t even mention it on the phonecall, we just…moved forward. And things have vastly improved.
My girlfriend said that week was the most stressed she has ever seen me, she could see it absolutely eating me up. It felt great to just put it to rest and leave it behind.
I don’t know your situation with your Dad or why you aren’t speaking, but maybe it could be worth trying to resolve whatever the issue is. I am truly so glad I was able to hash out the differences with mine. We are stronger because of it.
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Does my heart good to hear how you and your Dad are growing in love and understanding for each other. Thanks for sharing this.
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Thank YOU for the pieces of advice you offered following my original post. It has helped he and I get to this point.
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‘Dad’ thread, back from the dead! 
Things gave been good between us. Its been nearly a year and a half since our last argument of any kind. We used to not be able to go a few weeks without a fight. I just do my best to be respectful and courteous, and I am sure to apologize promptly if I so much as take a tone with him. He’s been equally as good.
I’ve been thinking about this and my relationship with my Mom too. They say when you start drinking/using drugs, your mental/maturity growth slows or even halts. I started using substances at 14, and as a result looking back, I don’t think I ever did leave that angsty phase where your parents just get on your nerves…at least not until I quit everything. I realized that even in my 20s, I still had (past tense) seen them as adversaries and authoritarians.
Those of you that know me know about my season tickets for the local soccer club, and that my Dad comes along sometimes. You also know I got this ticket so I could stretch outside my comfort zone, meet people, relearn how to socialize without drinking. I prefer to go about this endeavor alone.
So, when my Dad said last week he wants to get a season ticket for next year…I was so bent out of shape about it. I didn’t want to lose my time alone at the games, which had given me the ability to have a good time and engage with strangers, making them friends. But my Dad didnt know that, nor would he understand (believe me, he wouldn’t), and I’d hate to tell him I’d prefer he didnt get a ticket…that’d break his heart and probably damage this new relationship we’ve built. Snd its not that I didnt want him to get a ticket, it was more about not wanting to lose what I had gained for myself.
So I stressed about it, and stressed some more. Then, a thought came to me from thin air. Heard it clear as a bell:
“He just wants to be your friend”
And just like that, I was no longer stressed. Washed away. I was now happy I’ll get to have this time with him. I thought some more and realized how true this is for both my parents. They are still my parents, and they just want to be my friend. Why would I turn that away? Why keep them at such a distance? Some day they’ll be gone and I will wish I had just 5 minutes with either of them.
I know I have a tendency to be weary of friendship, despite longing for meaningful relationships. Working on it. But this was a big step for me in general, along with in my relationships with my parents. I accept them as my parents AND as my friends.
Feels good.
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I know it would break my heart to know that one of my boys didnt want to be around me.
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It was more about wanting to keep that time for myself, wasn’t about not wanting to be around him in particular.
I did realize though, that my previous mindset was selfish – and I’m glad I had that realization.
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That’s a great read dude. Glad you had the realization. Now that my dad’s gone it is definitely true. Wish I had some more time to just hang out.
I totally.get that alone.time too though.
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I remember this old thread about you and your Dad and have wondered how things were going. I am glad you are still progressing, and really happy for you…especially with your recent breakthrough.
I can relate to your situation as the mother of an adult daughter who I wish I had a more loving relationship with and I wished lived closer. And as the daughter to my elderly parents who live nearby. I know they want the best for me, but man, sometimes I feel positively 12 years old around them. My stuff for sure.
In any event, so glad you are still working on this part of your life.
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Give him a kiss and a cuddle and go to the game with him. He’s just another human being with all your preconceptions and expectations of what a Dad should be. I used to fucking hate my Dad now I love the bones off him and wish I hadn’t wasted so many years fighting back against him. Some blokes just can’t have the fabled father son relationship, takes a lot of hard work 
glad it’s going really well with him though
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That would be Goat’s relationship with Goat’s padre. It is has been almost 2.5 years since we have communicated in any manner.
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This is dripping in awesome! Guys bond over activities. Watching or playing sports. Fixing things. Hunting and fishing.
Build those bonds. Make those memories. Time will come when that’s all you have left of him. Better to have these than regrets over shouldawouldacoulda…
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So I stressed about it, and stressed some more. Then, a thought came to me from thin air. Heard it clear as a bell:
“He just wants to be your friend”
And just like that, I was no longer stressed.
I can’t tell you how much I love this. And you know what? The likelihood is that nothing but goodness will come from this time with him. It sounds like you have both learned to speak from a place of love and respect. That’s such huge growth - for both of you. I imagine that letting go of some of that resentment has lifted such a weight - and that is pure gold.
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I really loved reading this. Makes me remember that connection with our parents even as adults is so important. I really am happy you found that realization.
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Nice one buddy. I can understand where you are coming from, but it’s also great that your dad has created the opportunity to spend time with you.
I did wonder if this would become a regular activity when you said that he was going to the game with you before.
And it’s great that you have seen the opportunity, instead of creating something else that could form a rift. You would be resentful of him being there and he would pick up on it.
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I’ve got a talk scheduled with my parents on Sunday evening. My mom called the other day to own up to their behavior towards my family and I. She actually used the words, “guilty on all counts, and we want to know what we can do to fix it.”
It’s encouraging to see them evaluating their actions but o be honest, I’m not sure how to proceed.
For those of you who don’t know, my wife is from Jamaica. I’m from passive aggressive hot dish cooking Minnesota. My spouse and I are on opposite ends of the melanin spectrum if you catch my drift. My parents displayed a deep suspicion of her intentions from the first day. (i.e. She just wanted a green card, or my money, etc.) I am still quite aware of the racist and intolerant behavior they (and extended family) display toward minorities. Racial epithets were not uncommon. They marginalized the members of my family who were gay. They judged those who struggled with mental health. Overall they have always judged others. Likely to keep focus off of their own side of the street or just to point the finger at others for their self-created problems. They’ve both got childhood traumas but never took the responsibility of dealing with it.
I am trying to meter my expectation for this conversation. However, I don’t want them to just pay lip service and then fall back into the same old patterns.
I’m thinking of making amends for my anger. Then letting them speak. Then I’m going to be candid and tell them that it will take a while before I can trust them. Their commitment to a better relationship and a little time might get us back to where we can be civil. I just don’t feel comfortable sharing my life or reaching out for support at this point.
I’m writing this for a bit of advise if you care to give it. How would you go about this? This has been weighing on my brain a lot lately.
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Hi Sean,
My Dad and I had that big argument back in May of 2018, a few months before I made this post originally. It was the first time I had really stood up to him, and I think he realized I meant what I said and that my intent from there was to not be in contact with him, possibly permanently. So he was the one to call and apologize about a week after. So you are right, that is what it took.
We haven’t had an argument since and our relationship is now the best its ever been. It takes conscious effort to keep it like that. I watch myself, and he does a good job of keeping his side of things tidy, too. We’ve made a habit of apologizing to eachother if we even think we might’ve been a dick or said something disrespectful to the other. Its good stuff 
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Ah, Mitch…sorry to hear that man. I have an idea what you’re dealing with, I was in relationships with several foreign women back 3-5 yrs ago (not all at the same time! Haha and of course, prior to my current girlfriend) and I occassionally dealt with the “green card” comments mostly…they were from Colombia, Mexico, Brazil…so of course there was sometimes someone who had to make a comment. Like, the first question you’re really asking me about my new girlfriend is “think she’s just looking for a green card?” Disrespecful, ignorant, and disgusting. Remarks werent from my parents, though, but others I was close to.
Anyhow. I think it’s a good sign they’ve reached out to set up a meeting at least, and seem to realize they’re in the wrong. I think your approach sounds good. Own your own mistakes, apologize if and where necessary. Then make it known that you won’t tolerate disrespecftul remarks or other unwarranted attacks on you or your wife. 0 tolerance policy. Firm.
Of course, it’s paramount to deliver this all tactfully, make it palatable. You’re a smart cookie though so I’m not too worried there.
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Totally agree with Tristan here Mitch. Your plan seems a sound one. By owning your faults you are letting them know that you are prepared to reconcile, but you have to be sure that they understand the boundaries.
As you have said, it’s not something that will sort itself out over night but you know it’ll calm down.
Just be firm that there is no room for racism in your relationship with them.
Remember we got your back buddy!
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