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Oh man, thereās some action jackson here, LOL
Certainly not a big deal on my threads as I derail damn near everything
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Iām used to it.
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Where do all the post go from this thread when we arenāt talking about derailment voids 
itās one of those mysteries.
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The graveyard. Which is a hidden thread that exists in the ether
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I thought I recognised you.
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it was touch and go there for a while but I think Iām through the worst of it now. Iām so important that another taste of rejection could finish me off. SPONSOR PLEASE.
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When Iām agitated, the last thing I want to do is examine it. But when I do, it usually comes down to my pride is hurt or Iām afraid I wonāt be ok.
Iām a recovered alky, with an assortment of dangerous and dumb decisions in my past, including two felony DUIs. So on my good days, I can feel grateful for the fact that Iām alive. I know that at times my survival depended on chance and luck. On those good days, my pride is pretty small, and mostly Iām trying to tune into the higher reason that Iām still alive - trying to understand my mission for that day if you will. But that pride can grow quickly, and it usually takes the form of āI deserve better, Iām specialā. Itās easy to get all stirred up with that kind of mindset!
And I have a chronic low level background fear that some way I will be abandoned and hurt, be not taken care of. I have a powerful antidote for that, but I have to sit with the feeling and bring up the memory of my last drink. On that day I had an out of body experience that resulted in the message āEverything is going to be alright. You will be able to stop drinking now.ā. And since then, everything has been alright. Things donāt always go the way I imagine or want them to, but the outcome has always been alright.
Your child is in the hands of their Higher Power now. That was a tough thing for me to learn about my own kids. As poor a job as I might have done as a parent when they were little, itās not my job to direct their behavior nor to protect them from all hurts, not anymore.
I pray for blessings on your house 
.
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I love thisā¦
Especially this ā¦
itās not my job to direct their behavior nor to protect them from all hurts, not anymore.
Thank you so much. 
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Im sorry ur not feeling the greatest 
I honestly donāt have any advice for what ur going thru wish I did tho. But im glad u are sharing and I want to send u hugs all the way from Calgary 
I dont have nearly the clean time u do and u probably have heard alot of suggestions and advice over the years. It must be hard at times to have a long time of sobriety thoā¦ I could imagine it might feel lonely at times. I would think that sometimes people may expect those with huge amounts of sobriety to be so strong cuz u have all this clean time but ur human too and things are not always rainbows and roses (even with years of sobriety). Anyway, I just wanted u to know that im thinking about u and am really hoping for inner peace and serenity for u today 
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Yeah well, we are all where we are at thatās for sure. I loved the not my job cuz it resonates so deeply for where I am at in my journey with the child I birthed 41 years ago and am estranged ish from. So it was a big thank you for that post from me. I am sorry it didnāt resonate for you where you are at and that today isnāt the best. Hopefully something else will land for you and bring some comfort or just hell yeah I been there too.
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Thank you 
I appreciate that. I am a very slow learning lol and it has taken a long time and alot of learning from a variety of sources to be where I am at today. But this right hereā¦ is why I appreciate what u do and why I love that u help others! U are a strong person and have alot of knowledgeā¦but even the strongest people need support too and to know that they are heard and that there are people who care at all stages of recovery.
In the 12 steps they do sayā¦ we can only keep what we have by giving it away. Service is crucial for recovery. If I walked into a room and there was all newcomers (which I have actually been toā¦ where the mtg was literally a bunch of us newcomers and the mtg was rough 
ā¦ lots of war stories) anywayā¦ I guarentee u I wouldnāt have gotten to where I am today. How would I learn from those that came before me? In the beginning I fought the āold timersā adviceā¦ thinking my way was better. But truly my best thinking got me here and it sure as hell aināt getting me out of there lol. I owe alot of my recovery to people like urself that has paved the way for meā¦ it just comes down to me being desperate enough to drop my ego and really listen. Iām glad ur here. U make a difference! And I hope that u are able to find the support u need for urself also. Thatās just as important
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@StarSprinkle Sorry to hear about your son and your reaction. I wish I could offer some help. Sending you a warm hug. My spouse and I feel so helpless when we see the adult kids/stepkids and grands making poor choices. But I end up thinking about my past behavior and poor choices and that doesnāt help them. So, we try to just be very supportive. Itās so easy for me to go down the negative rabbithole regarding their decisions. Again and again, I remind myself they are on their own paths as I am. I have more life experience but it doesnāt mean as much to them as it does to me. Everyday, I try to become a better human being. Everyday, Iām faced with obstacles on that journey. Everyday, I confront the resentments that stare me in the face. I strive to overcome them and push on to make better choices now. So, I say to you, be true to yourself and know you are loved. Peace.
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Human beings, probably all beings to be honest, are amazingly resilient. The shit that gets thrown at us, on top of the stuff we pile onto ourselvesā¦ I often find myself just thinking how amazing it is that everything keeps going. And we do. And like you say, things usually seem to turn out mainly alright.
Feeling afraid and feeling not good enough seem to be a big recurring thing for me, similar themes for all of us I guess. Itās reassuring to me in some ways that these keep coming up however many years/ decades sober we have. Makes me feel like itās OK when I start struggling again with something I thought Iād learned!
@StarSprinkle Iām not quite following the issue with the responses you got to your message. I donāt have more sober time than you and I donāt have any children, but regardless it sounds like things are pretty shit with your son. That sucks. Hope things turn out alright soon, at least for a little while.
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Here,here! Well said Rosa 
I was ā?derailedā in my 1st week on TS and really didnāt even know what l was doing on the forum at that stage.
I would never have thought to PM someone,partly because l wouldnāt know how but now do it all the time with my faves!šŖ“š„°
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