I picked up last night. Didn’t even try not to.
I was telling myself that I don’t even want to quit.
But that’s not true. There’s nothing I want and need more.
I hate this, I hate who I am. I hate what this has done to me.
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Hugs. The good news is you never have to feel like this again. Just don’t pick up the first drink (or whatever ur doc is). And u have recognised that ur brain tries to trick u. Fight back with other logic. Have u tried writing down why u “want and need it”? Make it personal to u and look back when u are tempted.
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Argh. I’m so sorry, I’m so glad you’re here now tho.
It sounds like you got snipered by the addictive voice, try not to blame yourself, if you think of a way to prevent it then tell me cause it is probably a matter of time for me before something like this.
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The addictive voice in our brains can be very powerful. I’ve learned over the years that the same voice that tries to convince me to pick up a few beers at the store only gets more powerful the closer I get to the decision.
“A few beers won’t hurt. Just pick up that.”
And before I know it, I’m in the aisle and now that voice is rationalizing that I should instead pick up a bottle of whiskey. If I don’t turn around there, I can nearly guarantee I’m about to enter a bender - and the scary part is most times I wouldn’t even know it yet.
“Oh fine, I’ll pick up whiskey, but I’m only having a drink or two every other night.”
…if I’m lucky, that bottle might have a little left in it the next morning.
Good job coming back. Don’t hate yourself. Be proud of yourself; you could have continued. Welcome back 
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I was reading how relapses are not part of recovery. Relapses are part of addiction. Satans perfect plan. None of us wants to feel this way. Yet how many of us have tried and relapsed. Probably all of us. If at least most of us. But we keep trying. I never aced any of life’s test on the first go. Keep checking in if your willing.
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That wasnt you, that was your addiction talking. When that happens…get on here, get to a meeting. Surround yourself with like minded people
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Hey Dazercat,
Love that you’re reading about this stuff and trying to stay informed, but I would like to respectfully disagree with whoever said that. Relapse is absolutely a part of recovery.
It’s like you said “how many of us have tried and relapsed” and “I never aced any of life’s test on the first go” . No one just decides they want to be sober and never uses again. The temptation is still there, and we are only human.
If you read about the stages of change, there are 6 of them…
- precontemplation
- contemplation
- preparation
- action
- maintenance and
- termination
#6, termination, is the relapse. Maintenance is where you’re sticking with the goal and then you terminate your run in recovery by going back.
Sorry to rebuttal your research… just wanted to make a point…
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Will do, and same goes for you!! I think just trying to stay connected and strong is the best bet. Feel free to message anytime
Yeah. I need to be stronger thanks for the advice.
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Definitely a fair point. And I totally agree. I also agree that it is part of the addiction as well. I’m sure it can be both. I can’t remember where I read that. I wish I could so I could reread it.
I also feel that it makes me feel better that i think it is part of the addiction. And if that makes me feel better then maybe that could make someone else feel better.
I don’t know. Addiction sucks. But thanks for the rebuttal.
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I would like to respectfully disagree with your respectful disagreement.
Relapse is not an absolute.
It is not a foregone conclusion against which we have no control.
Several here have proven that.
Is it the norm?
Likely not.
Is it absolutely part a part of recovery?
No. Doesn’t have to be. But that bit’s up to the individual, not some inescapable force.
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My sister quit drinking 39 years ago and never picked up. I believe @Ray_M_C_Laren got sober on his first try. I know a few more people but my point is not everyone relapses. 🤷
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There are quite a few topics on here about that. Pretty good reading. For anyone that maybe interested.
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I have to respectfully disagree too, but this time with you Kathryn. The six stages of change exist, but nowhere it is said or written we all go through all 6. It’s not a perpetual circle we’re in. Nor do we definitely go back to stage 1 after reaching stage 6, if and when we do get to stage 6 at all that is. People can and do get out at every stage. Some never make it out of stage 1. Some never reach maintenance. Some reach maintenance and stay there. Like me for example. Until now that is. And some do relapse and step right back into action. And some don’t. These stages are possibilities. Not a definite roadmap.
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I respectfully disagree I heard that so many times, Relapse is part of recovery, no its not.
Relapse is a symptom of addiction. There are many out there including the forum here who have remained abstinent on their first try and have been for decades.
I was out for years, tried to quit my own way, it wasn’t until I used the tools of recovery that I have been successful, so really this is my first time in recovery, I have not relapsed, nor do I plan to.
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I think of it as like snakes and ladders, cause a slip might not take you back to square one but it still takes you back. But then this idea needs to be taken with caution because I know that the addictive voice is exceedingly manipulative and could take this idea and run with it, and ultimately use it as an excuse to drink Satan’s piss.
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Relapse is not absolutely part of recovery. It is not a neccessary component of recovery. It is a temporary or permanent interruption in the recovery process.
If a patient in cancer remission has their cancer return, does the oncologist say “It’s absolutely part of recovery”? No. They say “your cancer has returned, and we must treat it.”
I understand what you are trying to communicate. A relapse shouldn’t be the end of recovery. A relapse doesn’t indicate the addict is a bad person. But we need to see it for what it is: something either stopped working, or wasn’t effective enough to begin with. This requires more effort, more will. It requires more tools. It requires a better understanding of the what and why.
I guess one could argue “death is part of life”. It is…the end part.
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It’s OK to hate the addiction and what its done to your life, but please don’t hate who you are.
You want to be better. This is clear, since you are here. You just haven’t yet learned how to get better at getting better. I’m 1146 days sober, and I’m still learning. We can grow, learn new things, become more self-aware, right up until we draw our last breaths.
This time, you didn’t try to stop. Will you try the next time? Why will you try the next time? What are you willing to do to make sure that this time, was your last time? This is where recovery begins and it can continue for as long as you want it to.
So want to.
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Kathryn, to your point, I consider relapse to be a return to the diseased state after some period of recovery. And in my personal experience, there is a huge difference between a brief dry period, perhaps even up to a couple of years or longer, and a relapse after recovery. One can stay dry without recovering, and I’m in the camp of “I did that”. Did it for 18 years as a matter of fact, the time between my first attempt at getting dry and permanent sobriety.
I’m like a lot of people - I was not done drinking. I wanted to get dry to fend off the consequences of my drinking, I wanted to get dry so that when I returned to drinking it would be “better than ever!” (never was"). When I came into AA, one of the hard questions I had to examine and answer was “Are you done yet?”.
I got permanently sober not because of the life changing consequences I was in, not because I was scared, not because I wanted to “be better” whatever that means. These things were true to some degree, but I got sober because I stopped fighting the idea of sobriety. I surrendered to alcohol about 3 years before I got sober, accepted and stopped fighting the fact that on my own I could not resist a drink or control myself once I started. At that time, I gave up and decided to just drink and see what happened, even though I knew it could not possibly be good. Permanent sobriety came when I stopped fighting the idea that somehow sobriety would be a life of less. The idea that being sober was a weakness of character because I could not handle my drinks.
I desperately wanted to stop and knew I could not do so on my own, so I got help and lots of it. Medication, counseling, AA meetings and AA recovery step work, continued connection with recovered alcoholics and work to serve those coming up behind me and some who were ahead of me.
If I drink again, that will be my first relapse. The countless times I quit, whether for half a day or a week or 9 months one time, were simply interruptions in my drinking.
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Wow… I had no idea that there would be so much response to my comment!
I am actually a Child and Youth Worker and have taken courses on addiction and recovery. That’s where I learned of the 6 steps.
Mno, you are correct, not everyone hits the steps in their numerical order, and yes, some skip a step altogether. So of course, it is possible to go through the steps to recovery and never relapse but stay in the maintenance phase. And if you have, congratulations- I admire your strength and resolve.
I’m just saying that it’s there, in the model, because it happens often, to many of us.
Personally, I think that feels better than the alternative. Knowing that it’s a very common occurrence makes me feel less weak and slightly less responsible if/when it happens.
Apparently many of you don’t feel that way, and that’s ok too. If the opposite is what comforts you more, then by all means, tell yourself that.
Everyone’s different and has their own opinions, so whatever rocks your boat. If it’s working, just go with it.
Really sorry, guys, I didn’t mean to start an argument!
I didn’t want to say anything before because I didn’t want to sound arrogant
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