This is long, anyone reading this needs to know, I love my daughter with all my heart, and I don’t hold nothing against her. We need counseling so if this sounds like I don’t love her I am sorry. I am not holding nothing against her I’m just tired of getting hurt
When I came home from rehab I had to apologize for everything. This what we do! They told me it did not matter whether I did it or not it was their, the other person’s perception(pain) and it would make things all better! So I apologize to my daughter for a horrible childhood of things that never happened. Can’t believe me it took me in rehab probably six of the 13 weeks 16 weeks I was there to understand this not the apologizing but the apologizing for something I did not do to come to terms with this But when I apologized it was from my heart and it was a sincere as my sobriety was, You have to know I apologize my own childhood and my mother’s childhood that she had made her own. So I no longer had to listen to all the bad things I did to her in her mind a few months it went back I started hearing about how she had PTSD. For the horrible things that happened to her in her life. I tried to be sympathetic by asking her oh baby what are you talking about! Listening to her day after day evening after evening when she would leave her kids here and come to get them for months on end! Always with my arms open. So now there the ugly monster back the same situation every time she would come we had this situation. She would say she was coming over to help me do something it would always end up in this poor pitiful me situation and I was nice cuz I was scared of her taking my grandkids away and I don’t want to fight, I can’t do it, I’ve learned a new way of living I’m practicing my mindfulness, my spirituality, patience meditation. but it was starting to I was going to say something where I was going to drink one of the two I could feel it… I could feel it coming when I needed her she was no longer there it was about her horrible childhood of PTSD She was suffering now and everything that was going on in her married life, that was so horrible. But let me tell you her husband makes $280,000 a year of tax-free dollars. She lives in a beautiful home with three brand new cars. and it only gets better the list. I’m not going to She don’t have problems that she does not have issues, we all do everyone of us. But I also believe that if we jump in the same mud puddle long enough it becomes a river sooner or later. You have to make the decision to get out of the river before it becomes an ocean. Once again became the issue her childhood, now we are white privileged! Her father told her to leave not come back…her father and I started out with nothing not even a vehicle, not even a set of dishes! Everything we have we worked very hard for with our hand. She started out with much more a brand new car,brand new furniture brand new washer and dryers, and a list goes on. And the way I know this is because it came from my savings account that her father worked hard to provide for. After providing for two weddings that I paid for that she never showed up for, different reasons of course, two different men. Then she run off and elopes with someone totally different. So this list goes on and on and it only continues to get worse and worse I’ve always forgiven her she’s always been given everything I could always come home for 38 years when ever shes wanted. matter of fact she has and has brought men home to live. Jesse was born weight 2 lb 10 oz I carried her for 25 weeks, ain labor 10 days. I promised God that if you let her live I would take her out of the system the democratic plantation I’m that I grew up on, I promised him that she would never have to grow up like I did standing in welfare lines for a mother who was mental, so sick and so deep in this plantation she would be a product of her environment that she would never get out, At her life would not be going to the laundromat at 9 or 10 and 9:00 with 13 or 14 black trash bags of laundry, doing dishes paled to the top of the window for 14 brothers and a mother until 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning. and that list goes on. If you can imagine what it would be for one little girl to grow up with 14 brothers? My mother would often go and leave me in bars to go home with strangers that she did not know and I would not see her again for days on end I can tell you stories of really bad situations for a little girl at the age of 9 alone with strangers from bars.I grew up to be well you’ve heard some of the stories and they’re not very nice ones but I’m not ashamed of them because they’ve made me who I am and they brought me to aplace with a husband who has led me away from that life and gave me so much to be so proud of I’m not talking about material things
And has given my daughter the same life. She hates me, She hates everything about me, two days before my mother died She told me she hated her. I’ve never done anything to her she’s not going to abused me. No more, I used to believe her when she said it was my fault! because I was drinking but I’m not drinking now. It’s not my fault. I have complete strangers tell me all the time oh you’re Jessica’s mother She told me you abandoned it her. She’s never been abandoned a day in her life I raise her everyday right here in this house her father the way and I raised her, We go places and they’ll be bad checks for her and my husband pays for them. We’ve rented cars for her and we take them back It’s cost us $13,000. to return them. Believe me I love her from the bottom of my heart and I mean I love her dearly. But I’ve asked her to stay out of my life because now she brings my grandchildren into it she’ll bring them around for 6-7 months and then she’ll rip them out of my life for year. My granddaughter Arabella Eve most beautiful child you ever want to know heart’s so big I call her my angel wings She is me in my life She worships Grandma the ground I walk on. I can’t see hurting her like this no more. She’s made my grandson hate me. She says I’ve abused him I’ve never touched him never ever would I. He has a genius IQ. He will most definitely be a narcissist. She is a helicopter mom. All the tendencies are there. He can’t does not do well with others It’s a sad situation. I’ve watched her make my grandkids sick. I’m not allowed even to play with them when they were here she’s a control freak and every sense of the word, the way I speak to them, the things I say to them, the way I look at them. The conversations I have in my own house when they’re here? What I’m allowed to buy them, what I’m not well I’m not allowed to buy them. anything . I don’t know what to do I’ve made the choice to keep her out of my life so I can stay sober. So I’ve not seen her or the kids going on 2 years this fall. Although I tried to make amends in October. I had a doctor tell me he thought I had other things going on so But I need it to get right with before my surgery. So after talking to my husband we figured that I would try to make amends with her. boy oh boy did that go wrong I cried for months I was sick even my doctor was like why did you do this Liza You know she’s not going to change everybody told me this but I was emotionally sick for months.I asked her to go to counseling with me and she said, well I’ll have to think about it I’ll get back with you in a few days well three days went by four days went by 10 days went by in about 15 days later she said, no! She didn’t want to ruin the kids’ life that they were finally getting normal that’s what she I had asked her if we could get together and do counseling I know why She said no, because I thought it’d be best if we went to our counselors together and she’s done so much lying cuz she can never tell the truth! But it is what it is. I love her but we both need change and we need the truth. She needs to face reality so she can quit playing games with my grandchildren’s heart. until then I just can’t have her back in my heart or my life She will always be a part of my soul. The funny thing is 3 weeks later she text my husband and told him that we could have Evie for 30 minutes each in the park, nope I said I threw a fit cuz him and her were caught we’re not getting back together until we have counseling! she’s not using the kids as pawns! Not doing that to the babies.
Im so sorry to hear about how your daughter treats you, it makes me sad to see how people can treat others with such disregard especially family. I pray you have the strength to get through the heartache she may bestow upon you and just remember to take care of your health, your important. Lies and deceit maybe what drives some people but the web of lies can only go on for so long before it entangles and ensnare s. I know its easy for me to tell you not to let your childs’ problems become your own but you have to persevere. I can understand what it must feel like but could never imagine the hurt that it brings you . I had to tell my mom the same thing today “just be strong” her oldest son was sentenced to be confined in prison and what a blow to anyone to know that your loosing your freedom, what we can do, hold our head up and carry on.
I agree accountability is 100% of everything and I’ve always been accountable even in my using times. But in this situation with me and my daughter you can never be accountable enough unfortunately. She believes that I owe her respect the respect, no matter how respectable I am to her and will always be.
She does not have to earn it, and has always felt that way. I just don’t know what else to do. I have cried many many hours many many days and nights wondering where I went wrong. Begging God for guidance. I was standing in my kitchen with my husband and we had this conversation this morning and I stood at the kitchen sink and cried, I would do anything anything on this gréen earth to have her back in our lives! But I’m so scared that it would put my sobriety at stake
I dont know if your very faithfull, but sometime all we can do for a person is pray for them. That maybe they will get some compassion an understanding in their hearts, my faith at times has been the only thing that really kept me holding on🙏when all else fails thats what has given me comfort, no body can take away from me, my peace and my strength, my belief.
@lizak try to see the positive in life. Try to keep a open heart and mind. And look at things that you are able to control like self help workshops etc anything to help you work on being a better happier you and hopefully things will fall in place. But you have to find peace with yourself. You’re angry and I understand why but it’s always better to let anger go and find healthy ways to cope with it, work it out, understand it and then you can begin to heal from it.
No I’m noangry honestly. I have dealt with this. I can’t change this And I know this. I refúse to play in to her demintaed mind, honestly I am no angry. I am hurt over and over from the time she has walked. See I am grow enough to réach out to her and did the 1st the dày of my súrgery didn’t want no hogomojo bad luck… I love this child you never know what can ór will happen not pitty
I am sorry what you are going through with your daughter. I don’t know if i understood everything correctly.
Some parts reminded me of my relationship to my mother and I am still learning in that regard. I need to understand that there is not one truth, there are different perceptions for everyone of us, her and me, my brother. My mother tried her best, loved us and does, I believe and she was the best mother she could have been under the circumstances. She was not the best mother for me, though. I always wanted to discuss and solve problems with her, I need to accept that in many situations mother and daughter are not the best constellation to get things sorted out. When my ex left me, all my codependent mind wanted was to run after him and talk about my pain with him. Was not the best idea I had.
I need to learn that I have to let go, forgiving is for me and if the other part won’t accept it, it’s up to them. It hurts but I cannot force people to forgive me. I begged people to forgive me, they burnt the bridges. I had to let go. I see my mother being afraid to lose her grandchildren, too. It’s not a good ground to act bc she is scared to not to be able to see them. It must be hard for her, especially as she swallows a lot from her daughter in law. I don’t think it’s good for her but it’s none of my business.
I hope you can find some peace and also that your neck is healing quickly.
Thank you so very much! I too understand you being confused cuz this is a very confusing situation with my daughter. You know family issues are hard, emotionally taxing, a maze of everything feeling that we were granted at birth at one time. And mine as of yesterday only more changes, I decided to call my daughter after no calls or cantact for 2yrs. very cautiously! Knowing at the drop of a hat I know that she will take my grandchildren and use them against me again as punishment. And yes you are right, there are different perceptions of the truth for each and every one of us. And it’s all and how we see it and perception changes from the eyes of the child to the eyes of an adult. That is what is so different. That’s what I say… “When a child is born they love their parents, They learn to judge them, as we die we only hope they learn forgiven!” I read that in a book somewhere and I made a permanent place in my mind I have always remembered it. When I came home from rehab I truly honestly was over all of this and I thought she was too I did my 12 steps I came home she said everything was good and we did good for the first two years but as usual she went back to being her old see she has the illness that she hasn’t faced and although it may not be addiction. As I face my addictions, I have learned that this may be my fault I was sick. I had a sick childhood. My mother and I both had horrendous childhoods, and discussing this and talking about this and the ears of a child was not good and she picked all this up and took it on as her childhood! And she believes that this was her childhood. So is this my fault Yes absolutely! But did I do this on purpose never! at no way at all, do I have the skills to know what I was doing no I would have never done this She was worshiped believe me so that’s my fault I’m sure but it was not her childhood.Listening to my mom the last 6 days And that’s all we had We found out six days before she died She was going to die of her life did I learn about reality in life. I assure you It was a reality for me that changed my life more so than getting sober and I got sober after she was gone. I was my best parent I could be for having the disease of addiction on top of being very sick. I had just given birth to my daughter She weighted 2 lb 10 oz, I carried her 24 weeks where the normal is 40, I had been in labor for 10 days. I promised God, that if he let her live I would take her out of the system that I had grown up in give her a good life. a better life I should say whatever that was I guess that’s all in perception again my own. It’s not me that I worry about here, I’ve gotten used to this, it started with my oldest grandson 16 yrs ago. I did not see h from 6mth to 2 yrs over I don’t remember, back and guarantee it was something stupid. It is the mental health of my grandchildren. I’m not scared of losing my grandchildren I’ve already lost them I would rather her keep them out of my life, than to keep them confused I’ve adjusted to that. I go to counseling every other week. I see a psychiatrist once a month. I am very mentally on track. I’ve been seeing a counselor since I was 10 I started seeing a counselor with honesty about 30 years ago That’s why I’m married 40 years because you have to be honest. The confusion If she is causing in their brain and their life. Listen I have no hate for her, I love her dearly, I want her in my lives, I just don’t want that confusion that what she brings with her. I am almost 60 I can’t do that no more If she cannot be honest about her childhood that I know and everybody she grew up with knows and she can’t quit lying about what it was. I can’t have her here It hurts me too bad. It’s too mentally and emotionally draining because I love her that bad much. Thats what I worry about It is cruel to do this for them takeing them in and out of my life keep them out of my life until you can figure out what you’re going to do Don’t use them to pawns with me. It’s not far to them, is my problem here…Her own perception, is not real, or even reality. Initially she said she was not coming back over here in the end I told her and she wasn’t welcome back here, not to come back here, not to bring her kids. That we were just done, we couldn’t have her here no more. She needed to fix her life and couldn’t come back until she could figure out what was reality and what was fantasy, we were done give and we couldn’t fix it for her. She could not come back here, don’t call, don’t text stay away
.That was my choice so these are the choices. I have made they’ve been hard. But we lay in the bed we make. And she’s been play games every since to hurt me. But I am ok! I really am as long as it has been you think it’s never going to end, But you know it will through counseling, serenity, spirituality, mindfulness, All this good stuff and then and all of a sudden God sends you an Rainbow… And you know that you’re thankful and grateful for all the great things that you have been given on this earth and that you are lucky to be here sober, clean and alive. It’s so lucky:four_leaf_clover:. Now my neck, they said 3 mths. it’s going to be in a hard brace. Which is ok I get to sleep all summer…
I’m so sorry. My relationship was not well growing up with mom and now my relationship is basically nonexistent with my oldest son. I know it’s hard But I can give you a big virtual hug and share what reminds me of my sanity:
Prayer is good, I believe in praying and I pray everyday to God, I give thanks to God everyday for everything I have and for the things that I don’t have that maybe one day he will bring My daughter and I to a better understanding. I appreciate your prayers in every moment of my day. You know one prayer is never enough, prayers to go around. If I didn’t learn anything in my sobriety I learned spirituality and mindfulness and these things have gotten me through this situation. And I know that with time my daughter and I will grow into a better relationship and just in the last few days God has shown me with the prayers from this community If they do surely worked. Just like miracles.
But I can give you a big virtual hug 