I am sorry to say I’m very late to read this post from 15 days ago. I have read several of your posts since you found us. I actually saw you posted on the meditation thread about Recovery Dharma and invited you to a Refuge Recovery meeting online that I host. It’s not important that you do or do not choose to check it out,I just wanted to offer an alternative. We all find our own way in our own time . I like knowing your backstory now. How we get here is often full of similarities even if the d.o.c. differs the underlying causes are what draw us together I feel. Although like you I was what I call a “garbage head”. I’d try anything once and if I liked it,repetitively.
And you can recover that “you”. I am grateful you are here. Great handle too! Have a blessed weekend.
Thank you so much for your reply @M-be-free49 I really needed it yesterday but was feeling too raw to respond straight away
Yes, yesterday was a day, today is another. They have both been filled by a jumble of memories and emotions. Too many to process, but as you say, I will be able to do so in small steps. Although I didn’t write here yesterday, I did do a lot of journalling on paper, just to get some of the jumble out of my head. I read more of the Recovery Dharma book as well which I’m finding I connect with so much.
The part that is really resonating at the moment is:
So many of us have hearts that are tender and worn raw from the suffering we’ve experienced. Many of us have collected layers of trauma which often led us to seek temporary relief in our addictive behavior. But then, through our addiction, we added more layers of demoralization and shame that hardened around our hearts. On top of those layers are the ones we built for our protection: all the ways we’ve run from pain, all the ways we’ve pushed people away in fear of being vulnerable, all the ways we’ve shut parts of ourselves off in order to adapt to what often feels like a hostile world.
We started to recover when we let ourselves believe in the part of us that’s still there beneath all those layers we’ve collected and built—the pure, radiant, courageous heart where we find our potential for awakening. Who were we before the world got to us? Who are we beyond the obsession of our conditioned minds? Who are we beneath all our walls and heartbreak?
I’m definitely feeling very raw. Today, travelling in the car I had a sudden memory of how vulnerable I used to let myself be with people and I became very sad at the realisation of how guarded I am now, even with those I love dearly. I will break down that wall, piece by piece, one day at a time.
Thank you again for helping me along this journey.
I have replied on the RD thread @Soberbilly …I hope to be seeing you at a meeting soon
Oh dear, I like this term “garbage head”. It perfectly sums up how I have behaved in the past and how I have treated my body like a rubbish bin (I guess you would say trash can in America ) Not anymore, me and my body deserve better.
Thank you for taking the time to reply, it means a lot.
Of course. This beautiful app is all about walking each other home. I have made amazing connections here. Guess I got on board about 15 months ago. It’s a spoke on my wheel of sobriety. I try to check- in and express gratitude every day. I find it interesting that I follow a certain group of people and they follow me. Pretty sure there are over 10K on this app. I know. I look forward to hearing and sharing more with you.
Awww, I get all of it. The feeling too raw to reply part (never any pressure here), the sadness about past too-openness and now guardedness… and, the part I love too about the pure, radiant, courageous heart that still beats inside of us all.
These feelings come on so strong sometimes. So turbulent! Something from the meditations I remind myself about a lot - that the sky is always there, always blue. The clouds, they come and go. So do our emotions. We can always picture the blue sky above them, and inside us too.
Thanks for being here. You being here helps me on my journey too. As @Soberbilly said, we’re all just walking each other home.
(Except - I think you’re on vacation! Stay on vacation before coming home, lol! )
It feels so good to be understood, thank you for replying. I love the concept of life being about walking each other home as well. Beautiful.
I do love the sky! When I feel overwhelmed I try to look up and imagine all the countless other lives being lived underneath the same sky. It helps with perspective I find. Plus it just helps me relax, full stop
I hope you have a wonderful day.
Just checking in. 1 week into our holiday and it has to be one of the best of recent times. I am having so much fun, and I’m fun to be around. I’m looking out for things to do, not trying to find activites/ excuses to drink.
I havecslso not been vaping since we arrived. I feel very tempted today though for the first time so I’m putting it down here as I don’t want to have to check in and say I caved. I’ve got this👊
Love that you are enjoying the vacation! SO freeing to be able to do whatever / whenever without being tied to our DOC.
Super awesome that you are also not vaping this whole time! The cravings will not last forever - you do got this! keep yourself busy and remind yourself of why you are quitting.
much strength my friend - keep enjoying your time away
Thank you I did resist. I went for a long swim and snorkel then when I got out I checked my sober time stats and saw I’ve already saved over £30 as I was spending £5 a day on it. That’s a lot of holiday ice cream
A little choked up at the moment. I dont know why but I feel full of tears and sobs yet nothing is coming out.
I have been having an amazing holiday and feel so happy and blessed. I haven’t managed to attend any online meetings though. I’ve also have had lots of dreams and emotions surfacing but have been slacking at jotting them down as we’ve been here, there and everywhere.
I’m starting to really miss my pets and this has made me realise I’ve not properly grieved for our dear dog who died very suddenly this May. At the time I had some very difficult family issues ro deal with; I was distraught but too soon had to bury the emotions and give my attention elsewhere.
I miss you so very much everyday my very special, silly, derpy boy and am so grateful for all the days, walks, cuddles, love and fun we shared together.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Maybe now you can finally let your heart and mind grieve your dear dog. I am sorry that you had to shove those emotions down at the time to deal with other stuff.
Right now you are in a peaceful safe place and maybe just let your emotions come as they may - sometimes just wanting to cry (without actually shedding a tear) is enough to release ourselves.
i know your internet is choppy at times - is it possible to try a online meeting or are in person meetings available for you that you could pop into? You may be needing this more than you know.
Give yourself a big hug my friend - i do hope that you find peace in your feelings.
Thank you
I did have a big cry in the end yesterday. I feel better today but know this is just one of many things I need to process. I’m going to start working through the questions in Recovery Dharma when I’m home. It seems very overwhelming to think about just looking at the questions but I think I need to start.
I hope you are OK my kind friend
try to enjoy the rest of your vacation and then work through these questions slowly - nothing needs to be addressed asap. you should go a your comfortable pace.
grateful that you were able to have your cry and release it into the universe
I have had a real wobble today.
I’m not even really sure why. I think I must be more worried about my work and life situation than I realise. I would ordinarily be getting ready to start a new school year teaching and it is beginning to hit home I can’t and won’t be doing this anymore. Stupid bloody fucking health
I am trying so hard to keep positive but I feel sad and angry. I’ve got my positive pants on but the elastic is fraying and they’re in danger of falling down!
I am proud of myself for chosing not to drink today. I am proud of myself for having put in work so that I have tools to help me through these feelings.
I know I have other options for work but I have had a series of rejections recently and it never feels good to be rejected even though I am trying to find the good in it-it builds resilience and it builds experience.
I have a month sober now. I am proud of myself for that. I know the work is just beginning.
I have to remember it is progress not perfection. I have to remember to accept life as it is.
I have to remember to be happy just to be alive.
That first 10 days was hard as hell for me. That first 30? TERRIFYING!! What if I fail? That was my addict brain talking to me. That’s a big milestone your addict brain don’t want anything to do with. It was SCREAMING at me! I did a lot of angry power walks. Angry housecleaning. I listen to some angry music from Eminem. And I took a lot of hot showers and cried a lot.
We got your back.
You’re doing great. It may not feel like it. But just for today. You’re not drinking. And let’s just say your probably not going to drink tomorrow either.
I’m so grateful you found us.
) Not anymore, me and my body deserve better.
)
I did resist. I went for a long swim and snorkel then when I got out I checked my sober time stats and saw I’ve already saved over £30 as I was spending £5 a day on it. That’s a lot of holiday ice cream 
