Put the ol’ flaming bag on her doorstep and do the knock-n-run.
You’ll feel better and she’ll have dog shit on her shoe (or old-lady slipper).
Flawless plan.
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I’m with Stevie on this. Having dogs helped me learn how to not engage with ppl I don’t want to and say that clearly, too. Ppl come up with all kind of stupid unwanted comments or “advice” to me on the street when I walk them. I have found a way to prioritise MY NEED to not be bothered or talked down to over the expectation to humor strangers. It’s been really eye-opening. You can do the same with this lady. Of she comes over to chat, let her know you’re not interested in her gossip. Keep your answers to a minimum or just say I’m busy/can’t chat right now if she doesn’t get the hint.
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Thank for the comments. Yeah you’re all right. I know it’s just people pleasing and me feeling intimidated by her due to the fact she reminds me of my mam but I need to get over this. Fact is, I don’t really like her, and as I said I’m pretty sure she doenst like me either, apart from wanting someone to talk to when no one else is around. If she tries to chat I’m just gonna to make excuses and walk away (which I do sometimes). I guess part of my “fear” is that I know what she can be like, I’ve seen her be really awful to another neighbour who since moved away and shes well known to be a shit stirer, but then that will work in my favour because if she decided to cause trouble then everyone will know it’s just her up to her usual antics? 
idk… I just want a peaceful life and i like being on good terms with people, but this lady will always somehow find fault so what can I do 
meh… none of this is a big deal and I feel better for talking about it.
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Repeat after me: “I’ve gotta run. Have a nice day.”
Maybe see if this works.
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Repeat after me: "You’re a bit of a c***, I’ve gotta run. Have a nice day.”
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Ha! 
Ya know… as times gone on today and I’ve thought more about it I’m actually getting kinda pissed off. I feel like shes taken my kindness for a weakness, and well, I’ve let her! Theres way more to this. Little petty things over the years (I’ve lived here for 7 years) that have built up. From now on I’m not going to engage. Theres many things I’d love to say but it would only cause trouble so best for me just to keep EVERY interaction short but also pull her up on shitty behaviour if or when it crops up, I have let many things slide over the years for the sake of ‘peace’ and all shes done is take the piss with it… I think that’s what I’m mostly annoyed about. The fact that I havent stood up for myself 
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Omg!!! This woman I absolutely can see why this would be upsetting for u, especially if she reminds u of her mom. Her facial expressions and attitude and words are very much like hearing disappointment from ur mother. I’m appalled at how miserable this woman is. You should be able to have a BBQ and not feel like shit about it. U pay for where u live and it’s ur property and u were just trying to be respectful. This is irritating me just by reading this lol I’m so glad u got this out ans talked about it. The situation itself may seem “minor” but in reality, alot of the stuff that bothers us immensely (I think) are the little everyday things. Like o can handle the “bigger” situations better than I can the “smaller” everyday stuff.
When someone bothers me or I get angry or irritated with someone, I pray for them. I don’t say to them, “ur a miserable person, so I’m going to pray for u” lmao type of thing. But I do pray for those people for at least 2 weeks. I usually don’t mean it initally, especially if they have wronged me. But, over time, I begin to genuinely care and mean what I say in my prayer about them. You may never know why she is the way she is. Or what has happened in her life for her to be a gossip and someone so miserable and mean. It has helped me anyway to realize that even tho what they do or say isn’t right, they have a reason for why they are the way they are 
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Thank you! 
Yes I’ve heard the preying thing before… I know its in the big book so I’ll look it up to get a better understanding. It will help me move past this without becoming resentful which is a threat here…
I tried preying for her just before… it didnt go so well… “dear god, please help XXXX stop being such a C×××” isnt going to cut it I’ll do better haha.
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U got start somewhere. There was a coworker awhile back that just pissed me off. And I held onto that discussion for days n days. It consumed my mind and rented space in my head for so long that it was a risk of damaging my mental health and potentially putting me at risk for relapse. So the only thing I could think of was praying for her. And for the first few days I was mad while praying but I kept at it and I did notice it help with my future interactions with her as well as for my own well being. Idk if u believe in a HP but I did ask my HP to please help me remove this resentment. I basically said, “Help me to be kind and patient and to try and be understanding bcuz idk what’s happening for her in her life”. Maybe she had a death in the family, maybe she’s ill or financially struggling or whatever. People generally are not mean and rude like this woman for no reason at all. Maybe her mom was like this to her and it’s a generational thing. I have no idea. But ur doing a great thing by talking about it
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Hi everyone…
So after this ‘incident’ and through reading some of the comments, it’s really given me something to think about and I’ve noticed me behaving/responding to others in ways which are less than helpful to my over all wellbeing. I’m wondering if anyone can help or has any pointers where I can look for help regarding this.
This fear of punishment I have… how am I going to move past it? Something else happened just today, nothing major and not even necessarily to do with me but mind immediately went to “uh oh! Trouble!” Then started scanning through all the possible scenarios (consequences) what might happen. Then because of that I’m all anxious… I’ll calm down and rationalise, then most likely wont think about it by tomorrow or whenever… problem is this type of stuff happens ALL the time! And they’re not even real/big deals I just make them out to be in my head it’s never with men either it’s always women who frighten me most due to the fact that the abusive household I was brought up in was all girls/women so I have a fear of women disliking me, upsetting them in some way then being attacked for whatever I might have done wrong.
When I was a kid I was like the family punch bag, I didnt really have to DO anything in particular to have a fist coming my way so I was always on edge, trying to be “good” and not upset anyone but it never worked in the end anyway, there was always something.
So now I guess my brain makes up reasons why others (usually women) are upset with me and I immediately go into fight or flight (or fawn in my case…) mode out of some warped protective measure.
I dont want to live like this anymore. I dont have to be scared anymore… I’m sure even if I did get into a disagreement with someone it wouldnt automatically mean they would get physical?
Being like this means I’m not true to myself…I’m often fake with people I dont like (see post about neighbour above…) due to this fear. I people please, Im a perfectionist, have this fake “oh I’m so nice” smiling fucking face when really I don’t give much if a shit what’s going on with people outside of my immediate circle and I’m sure they dont give a fuck too. Its exactly like what @mx_elle said. About keeping enemies close out of fear of punishment. How the hell do I get out of this? I’m scared all the time unless I’m perfectly on good terms with everyone (or my favourite, not having much to do with anyone at all…) any tiny bump in the road, a funny look, a misunderstanding, I’m a wreck, worrying about what the consequences of my “bad behaviour” might be.
It’s so stupid I’m otherwise quite a feisty strong women who could definitely stand her ground if it came down to it but this fear, the scared kid in me can’t handle it and I dont know what to do. 
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I’m sorry ur going thru this 
Hearing ur story… I can understand WHY u behave and think the way u do. U said u were the family punching bag grpwing up and that’s incredibly upsetting and traumatic. I think we as human beings (especially as children) just want to honestly survive. I think we do whatever it takes to survive, whether that’s learning survival skills by changing our behaviors around others, dissociation, or by learning things that help us in the moment to survive but are really not healthy and helpful in the long run.
I know for myself that when I was with my abusive ex, I changed alot. Mainly, how I spoke and how I acted and I was super hypervigilant and always watching him for body language and I was a people pleaser and catered to his needs quickly to try and prevent an argument or to prevent pissing him off. Basically, even tho I charged him and had some closure over what he did, it still stuck with me. Even to this day (probably 15 years or so ago since I left him) I STILL have to be aware of when I’m acting in survival mode. My husband isn’t abusive at all but he’s loud and he is opinionated. When he gets loud or uses certian words my instinct is to hide in my shell. If he does something that hurts me emotionally, my reaction is to not say anything so thar I dont cause a disturbance etc. Our survival skills kick in when we feel threatened. So they do come out even tho the current situation is nothing like my past. I feel like this is somewhat similar in a sense with what ur experiencing. Please correct me tho if I’m wrong.
I basically have to say to myself, “I am safe and I am no longer in a situation where I have to act like this. I no longer need these survival skills. I am in this current moment and I am okay. This person is a completely different person and not someone I need to be afraid of.” By saying this it brings me out of my state of survival. It reminds me that this person is not someone I need to feel unsafe around. Therefore not needing any survival skills. It’s not easy (at least for me) lol. I get on edge sometimes but then I realize why do I need to be this way?? This person is not showing me any signs that I need to be afraid.
I think it’s about being super aware of when ur feeling like this. And then challenging that thinking and doing something differently with the “safe” person that u are having an interaction with. I hope this makes sense. I tried my best to type it right lol I wish I had better suggestions for u. I just know that for msyelf it’s being self aware of when its happening (which it sounds like u are) and then reminding myself that I am safe
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No that makes perfect sense thank you for taking time to respond
Yes maybe I just need to be kind to myself and talk myself round when I notice it happening… I’d just much much rather it didnt happen at all its automatic so not something I can change in the moment, I’ve just been wired the wrong way I suppose. I do try to make myself see sense when its happening but its almost like the anxiety/stress has to run its course before it eventually goes away. It always does go away but it doesn’t take much to flare up again… it’s really weird it happens mostly with women who I dont know all that well (unpredictable?) and especially with women who are older than me it’s a nightmare. I do have female friends and I don’t dislike women as a whole because of this. Logically I understand what’s going on and can rationalise with it.
I understand what you’re saying about the hypervigilance and looking for micro expressions, I do that alot its bloody exhausting saying that I’m alot better than I used to be so I know I am healing, theres just so many layers ya know, I make improvements then something else comes up that I need to work on so this is just the thing I feel like I need to be looking at right now. It certainly doesn’t take up a whole chunk of my life and I’m able to (uncomfortably) get on with life whilst its happening but it can take up a lot of headspace and cause anxiety which just isnt needed.
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Awww thank you so much I will try that 
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I think the fact that ur aware of this and realizing how it negatively effects ur life is huge! And like was already mentioned, u do have amazing self awareness! 
I think it will just take time like u said and ya there’s probably a few layers to sift thru but ur doing amazing!! I really feel like uv made progress in alot of areas of ur life. Be gentle with urself cuz these are big changes ur trying to address hugs!
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I’m chiming in with @Butterflymoonwoman with survival skills and talking yourself out of that mode 
I have similar issues and started to deal with those in therapy.
To take things deeper, you can trace your survival skills into your past to find an event or a season when they were formed. With me, it included my mother too. You can now help your younger self to deal with those issues as you should have been back then: acknowledgement, comfort, forgiveness etc. Through it all you can start to discern that if you overreact or become numb in the now, it can be that you’re experiencing feelings of younger you that have gone untended for years. It’s easier to “talk yourself out of” a situation when you understand root causes. It’s an ongoing process.
Change IS possible and you’re worth it!!
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I’ve had therapy for reasons surrounding my childhood which helped massively, just not this particular problem because I’ve only recently become aware of what it actually is and been able to trace it back to the root cause.
I think today I’m going to get intouch with a staff member from rehab as I’m still attending continuous care weekly following the 12 week IOP that I did. Least I can talk it through to them or they can point me in the right direction, they may even refer me to a councilling service so I will do that today!
Edit: I’ve also just rang my GP for an appointment to see if I can be referred to a psychologist to get a diagnosis. I’ve known for a good while now I’m not “right” but the longer I’m sober, the more apparent my disorderd thinking becomes. I’m medicated for anxiety and depression and I KNOW I definitely had/have PND after I had my daughter but I’ve never had a diagnosis… I suspect PTSD or CPTSD (which I know isnt in the DSM but it is a THING as far as I’m concerned) too. I know we’re not supposed to diagnose ourselves it’s just after years or trying to cure myself, I’ve researched a lot and also worked in the mental health field. I tick many of the boxes unfortunately… well anyway, I’ll chat with the doc and see what they say. Cant do any harm.
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Hi Jen,
Just listening to your story just resonates with me from what I’m gathering you experienced a lot of bullying growing up amongst your family which is really sad.
Unfortunately experiencing that kinda trauma during your formative years, easily translates into your adulthood. And often you’ll feel intimidated by people who you feel are stronger than you, in this situation you probably feel most people are intimidating to you. And as always it’s easy to pick up on the body language that your easily intimidated.
I get you try to be a respectful neighbor and your doing your part. Your not doing anything crazy, and you have the right to BBQ or enjoy your space just like anyone who has space there. If your neighbors have a problem with that well then they should discuss it with you 1:1 not with the neighborhood.
I agree with your attempt to seek out a psychiatrist and possibly therapy, it may help you gain that much needed confidence to understand you are not less than anyone. And your opinion matters as much as anyone else’s in your neighborhood
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As a Krav Maga Instructor, I have many women and teen girls as students. Those who are new to martial arts almost universally have challenges with confidence and assertiveness, or self-esteem. This isn’t unique to my female students. I have teen boys who join because they are bullied at school and such too, and men who fear not being able to protect their mates or kids if needed.
One of the biggest rewards I get from teaching these students is to see their confidence building. The way they walk, talk and their general presence is visibly changing. I have one, a nice lady whose husband just up and left her after many years of marriage. She had zero self-confidence. I’ve been slowly challenging her more each lesson, and as she gets better, she’s getting better. I saw the “click” happened after yesterday’s lesson. She came up to me and asked for some tips and drills she could work on at home…she wants to be better. 3 months ago, she came to class, timidly went through the lessons, and left immediately after. Now she stays a few minutes to chat with her fellow students, and last night had the confidence to approach her Instructor.
I would imagine her confidence is growing elsewhere too.
Maybe try a martial art?
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I second this,
As a teen I struggled with self esteem, a lot of it was cause I was different, i started doing martial arts cause I saw alot of cool movies and thought I could do that cool stuff kick ass and take names, I learned that wasn’t the case, what it was really about discipline,
Self confidence and self esteem and it works wonders also a healthy outlet to let out years of frustration
Fast Forward 20 years, my younger son, got interested in martial arts, a dojo near him was offering a month of free classes to Try it before you buy it, His mom was hesitant, and I said let him do it, you’ll see changes in him you never imagined,
And a few months in she’s like I can’t believe it, he’s so much more confident, he’s so much more structured, he’s like a totally different kid.
So yes Yoda-Steve is 1000000% correct, martial arts will totally change your life,
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