Apologies in advance for the first long post. Its a bit of a brain dump.
I’m a 43 year old from England who has been drinking since about 12/13. For me, my first experience of drinking was going around to friends houses and supping their parents lager whilst they were out. It was all fun but I did get caught stealing cans from the local shop when I was about 13 which wasnt good with a friend. I was a quiet kid, I was sexually abused when I was 8 by a teacher and after that enjoyed being on my own. I spent most of my time in my bedroom alone away from people.
From that age I’ve gone through many drinking patterns. As a teenager it was weekend drinking. The odd mid week slipped in and then as lockdown came in it was every other day at least. Now I binge drink every other week.
When I do drink, I drink excessively. I get to the pub as early as possible so I have longer drinking. I tend to take out £60/£70 and go home with a bit of spare change. Its approximately £3 a pint where I am to give you an idea of quantities.
Ive always been a quiet person and alcohol gives me a confidence to actually have a chat with someone. Ive made all of my friends and met my wife whilst drinking. I enjoy it.
I have a job where I work long hours for a week then get a week off. Ive done this for 6 months and it has been good as I dont drink for them 2 weeks that I’m at work. When I’m off work though I drink to make up for lost time.
So, why have I come to this group?
I’ve found that whilst I’m at work I think about drinking a lot. I would say hourly. Im not physically alcohol dependant but I crave a drink. Its a spinning record in my head that I’m tired of. Im craving a drink as I type this at 7am as I know Im not working tomorrow so can get hammered.
I spend the majority of my money on drink which stops me from doing other things.
Its impacted my ambitions. I did have a good corporate management job which I quit to take a lower paid job. This was during lockdown when I was drinking way too much (I was working from home so could get away with it). It may sound bonkers but I wanted less money so that I would then drink less. I now work in a factory for not much more than minimum wage. I also had hobbies which have disapperead.
It causes weekly arguments with my wife. She feels I’d rather be at the pub on my own than with her. I love her massively but if I’m honest she’s probably right. I dont take her as I want to drink with other big drinkers, then Im not judged I guess. Everything feels mundane when im not drunk or keeping my mind busy at work.
I feel like a bit of a bum. I’m well known in the pubs in my area and even the regular drinkers look at me as a piss head. They question why I’m always out alone and not with my partner.
After drinking I can barely remember the previous afternoon/night.
My health is shit. Im overweight and achy.
So do I belong here? I don’t feel like I’m an alcoholic (or am I?) as I can go a week without a drink. I’ve read through a lot of the posts and my experience of alcohol feels mild compared to daily drinkers or spirits drinkers.
I dont feel like I want to stop drinking altogether. I would love to be able to have few sensible drinks with my wife on a weekend. But is that possible for me, probably not.
I want to be able to not have a drink today but I know I probably will.
Sorry again for the long post. Im not after any real answers just needed to get that all off my chest for the first time.
Hi Danny,
At first welcome here.
If you belong here? There is only one person at the end who can decide that and that is you.
But you came here and that says enough in my opinion
Only if you think you have a problem you decide to surf around the web to find help ore answers.
That’s how I came here too more then 5 years ago.
You made a list of things about the why’s you are worrying about. That’s a good thing to do. If you keep drinking your list will grow easily so it’s a really good thing that you noticed you have a problem. Alcohol addiction is a progresive disease
Take your time to read around a bit. There is so much information to find here. Maybe make a list of the things you can achieve in life if you wouldn’t drink?
A sober life has brought me so much!
I have energy like I’m in my twenties, no more black outs ore stupid things, no more hangovers, made new friends, discovered new hobbies, made carreer steps, gained new trust from my husband and kids, etc.
So I hope you decide to stay and turn your life around!
“Alcoholic” is just a label. Some find it helpful when assessing their relationship with alcohol. Others find it unnecessary, complicated, or aren’t sure about it yet.
What matters is that you want to stop drinking. Do you have to stop forever? To that I would say, just stop drinking for today. Tomorrow, you can decide about tomorrow. The rest is a bridge you can cross when you get to it. You can’t do anything about it anyways. You only have today.
I’ve decided not to drink for about 5 years of days in a row now. For some of those days, I wanted to eventually continue drinking, but just focused on handling one day at a time instead of controlling the future. These days, I don’t want to start drinking again even if I could do it safely (and I am pretty sure I can’t). I like how sobriety has changed things in my life.
Anyways, welcome! Pull up a chair. Read a bit, chat, listen, hang out, whatever suits you right now. I think you’re in the right place. I think you also will find a lot of common experiences and goals among others on this forum.
Hi there Danny, glad you found us and thank you for sharing your thoughts. You were not looking for a reply so I am going to keep it short. There is different kind of drinkers (regular, binch and level drinkers). All of these use alcohol to compensate for something, which eventually turns into an addiction. From the things you wrote, you probably already know your drinking patterns are different from those of others. Coming here is a great step.
Read around a bit and see what you can learn from others experiences. If you something resonates, keep coming back. Finding connections here helped me to get sober and start recovery. Hope to see you around
If you want somewhere to be able to speak openly about your addiction to people who understand exactly what its like and without judgement then yes you not only belong but are very welcome here…great job on reaching out and putting all of that on the table…i struggled with my alcohol addiction for a long time until i found this place and it is what made the difference to me, nice to meet you Danny
Im also going to add this… the term ‘alcoholic’ is a subjective term…when i was growing up the ‘alcoholic’ was the old man sitting in the park with a bottle of whisky in a brown paper bag that was shouting random things at people and never got a wash! I think if alcohol is causing significant issues in your life, you cant stop when you start, you do it in secret, its affecting your health, you do it to escape or numb feelings etc etc then you have yourself an issue/addiction be it mental or physical or both…theres no real need for a label…if you do have an issue its also pointless trying to compare yourself to others in order to minimise your own issue…it wont change anything… For me i eventually found out i could not moderate after years of trying… .moderating is exhausting…its actually easier to quit full stop because i cannot control it…ever…its scary the thought of never drinking again thats why people like us on deciding to quit take it one day at a time and not look too far ahead in the early days.
Thanks, that makes sense. I think Ive definitely minimised my issues for a number of years. Maybe thats why I like to drink with other alcoholics, makes me feel that Im not as bad as them.
Morning, this happens to me alot, as in you sound like your describing me! I’ve been binge drinking for far too long. Getting to work and planning where that nights drink is coming from before I’ve even switched the computer on! My whole life seems to have been about getting as much drink as i can and to hell with everything else at least on the days I drink, roughly 4 times a week. I believed alcohol brought all the good in my life, the ability to talk, socialise, met the Mrs when out drinking etc. But I’ve realised what started as being a happy drunk has turned into a dependency. I’m roughly your age (44) and from the UK. I keep saying, drink is too accepted over here and getting ruined makes you one of the lads. It’s taken me a quarter of a century to realise I need to be here. Stick around for a bit and you’ll see yourself in many other peoples posts. That may help you decide whether you should be here or not. Ultimately you are the only one who can decide. Best of luck with your journey.
Hi Andy, yeh and thanks for sharing. It definately sounds like the same story. I think the 90s has a lot to answer for as there was a real drinking culture then. I’ve been inspired by some of the stuff on here though. Time for change.
Welcome Danny. I would say I didn’t read any positives about your relationship with alcohol. When something in life brings way more negative than positive its time to remove it. I would say you certainly belong here, read others stories and see what you think. Best wishes
Welcome Danny, from another Dan!
No matter the label you apply to yourself, you can claim membership here. In that sense, it’s similar to Alcoholics Anonymous, where the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.
I had a strong physical dependence on alcohol when I got sober. At that time, I gave up the vague goals that I would quit “someday” and that I could try normal drinking after some ill defined period of sobriety. I focused on staying sober from the time I got up until I went to bed at night. Just that period of time. I filled my non-working hours with an AA meeting or counseling session daily. After a few months, the day came when I realized I hadn’t thought about drinking for at least two days! I was so grateful that day.
Get yourself a plan and some help. AA works great, anything works great if you are truly committed to it, keep an open mind, and follow the actions and attitudes of people who have stayed sober and happy for more days than yourself. Your long stretches of time away from work, by your own statements, are an arrangement you have made to enable your drinking. You might want to change that.
Blessings on your house as you begin your journey.
If you can go a couple of weeks without drinking you have a real head start to kicking off a sober streak.
Be honest - do you think alcohol being on your mind all the time is normal? Do you like it? What would you give not to think about alcohol all the time? What would you be prepared to do?
I’ll be honest with you, for the longest time I didn’t think there was anything wrong with binge drinking so long as everything else in my life was ok. Then I got older (I’m your age) and I got overweight, felt awful after a binge and argued a lot with my wife. I too thought I wanted to be able to drink sensibly… but then I realised that I don’t really, I want to binge… and that’s never going to change. I don’t want one pint, I want ten. I can’t have ten and live a healthy fulfilling life, and I happen to believe we only get one go at this.
I’ve bored on about this a lot but I cannot recommend reading “this naked mind” enough. Read it twice. See how you feel about alcohol.
So to quote that epic movie… I’ve decided to choose life. I hope you do too.
Your not wrong about the 90’s! We still ‘joke’ now that back then we could punch the seat in the local boozer and get high just off the dust that would come out lol
Yes, living a healthy life is one of my key factors. When I think of even the last few years I know too many people who have passed away or are very ill through the drinking lifestyle.
Welcome!! That sounds like a lot of stuff in your head around drinking and none of it any good. There are lots of varying degrees of people having a problem with alcohol. You definitely do not need to be drinking every day to have a problem with alcohol or a spirits drinker or have lost your job etc. If you sometimes feel like this sucks, I hate feeling this way, how did I get so drunk again when all I wanted was 1 or 2, that should tell you something.
A lot of people can go a week or two without drinking, that doesn’t mean they don’t have a problem. And the label alcoholic, it really isn’t the issue. The issue is we know deep down it isn’t healthy. We think about drinking and maybe plan our day or night or weekend around it. We worry how can we keep drinking with no consequences and still feel okay. We minimize our problem because everyone drinks, right?
But even in the UK there are people who don’t drink. No lie, it will be a big change, but I think all of us here would tell you it would be a positive change. For you and your marriage and your health and brain.
A lot of people have been helped by reading Annie Grace’s book, This Naked Mind. It could help you answer some of those questions and give you some inspiration.
I know it is hard to believe, but there really is a life outside of drinking. And for those of us with a problem relationship with alcohol, we really don’t get to a place where a drink or two doesn’t end up with us back at the pub again all the time for another drink or two.
Maybe start with looking at today and not drinking today. Then when tomorrow comes, don’t drink tomorrow. And get that book, it can help. Glad you are here!! Lots more to read if you look around. Hope to see you around!!
Thanks for all the support yesterday. Despite the urge I didn’t drink, I also had a conversation with my wife about my bad relationship with booze. This is down to the messages on here so thanks again. I’m back at work on Thursday so feel I just need to get there at the moment.
Well done! Just take it a day at a time…all that matters for today is getting your head on the pillow sober tonight. Its good that youve spoken to your wife…the more honest and open you can be the better youl feel…this disease wants us to lie and sneak around to keep us down.
as you begin your journey.