Don’t know where to turn

Emotional Support
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I’m having a shit day of a shit week of a shit month. I have so many incredible resources at my disposal; I have a therapist I see weekly who has known me for 2.5 years through my using and recovery, I live at a sober living surrounded by helpful people, I have a family therapist who works with my wife and I, I have my parents who have been so supportive through the entire thing, and I have everyone from my treatment center none of which I stay in touch with, and I have my weekly and daily AA and N.A. meetings.

Everyone wants to help me. But I’m sick of asking for help. I’m sick of seeing my therapist every week and talking about the same stuff. I’m sick of talking to my wife about my anxiety. I’m sick of sitting around and talking about the same stuff every day, feelings and obstacles and fears and all of it.

I’m pretty sick of going to meetings and just listening to people that seem to “get it” and say all the right things. And I’m sick of listening to the new people come in and just dump all their baggage on me and everyone else.

I don’t feel strong enough to do this. I feel overwhelmed by panic attacks and daily obstacles. I’m so tired, tired of fighting and tired of just living the daily life shit. Every day is just a struggle to meet my responsibilities and I often just want to run away. A big part of why I used was to not have to face the every day responsibilities of life, and for a while I was able to stay two steps ahead of any consequences or repercussions. Now that I’m sober, I am having to deal with ALL OF IT head fucking on.

My peers and people here in my community see me doing the right things every day, and people look up to me and respect me and what I share about. But I more and more feel like I’m lying to everyone including myself. I don’t know who I am or what I’m doing or why anymore. I’ve been fighting for so long and everyone in my life is tired of giving me a helping hand.

I want so much to be reliable, trustworthy, stable, and respected in my community. But I’ve done so much damage to all of that that to overcome it feels insurmountable. Those closest to me within the program tell me I’m doing the right things and to just keep doing them, that there will be bad days. And I can’t expect to just feel great all the time. I mean no one can expect to feel great all the time, the human experience is for the most part suffering and just trying to survive. But I feel like I can’t do it, it’s so much. And then I feel shame for living in so much self pity, but every day things like taking care of my room or my health or keeping the house clean is just becoming more and more impossible and the more I put it off the worse it gets.

I mean I have a great life. I have incredible things. I live in an incredible part of the world. I have really incredible hobbies that most people would dream of. I live a life that most people probably would kill for. And I am absolutely sick of it. All the money I’ve made in life has brought me nothing but problems and with that a realization that what I’ve been chasing my whole life is completely meaningless to me. All of the incredible places I’ve gotten to visit I’ve broken down at and cried. Cried because how could someone so blessed and so lucky feel so sad at some of the most beautiful places in the world. How could someone who has everything feel empty inside.

I feel broken, ashamed that I’m not happier, and like I’m wasting the best years of my life sitting in self pity. People around me constantly tell me how lucky I am and how I have so much going for me and the words just seem to make me feel worse inside. I try to put a smile on but it feels fake.

I think about using a lot. I think about going back out a lot. I know there’s nothing down that road for me, but I don’t really know how to navigate the other forks in the road. I don’t know how to do this thing and I’m so tired of people saying “well maybe when you feel like this, go to a meeting”.

I got 90 days sober and clean this last week. And I feel worse than I’ve felt since the first 4 weeks. I don’t think I’m suicidal, but I wouldn’t mind if something happened in an accident. I wouldn’t mind having my life become worse through a serious accident or something really bad happening, because then maybe people would feel badly for me instead of always telling me how lucky I am. Somehow, people feeling badly for me would really match how I feel inside and so it looks appealing to me.

I don’t feel like this every week. But this week I do. I can only hope tomorrow will be better, but I’ve said that to myself the last 9 nights in a row. And I keep waking up feeling worse. I have some serious “fuck it” attitude going on right now. And I know that saying it out loud helps take the power away from it, so I’m posting this here in the hopes that getting some of it off my chest will help.

The irony isn’t lost on me that I am absolutely sick of newcomers dumping their baggage on the group, and yet here I am doing exactly that. But maybe it’s my turn. I’ve listened to trauma after trauma and sob story after complaint over and over again and offered hugs, kind words of encouragement, driving them to meetings and listening to all their woes, maybe it’s my turn to let some of my self-pity and struggles out too. I mean, at 95 days I’m still a newcomer too, right?

Sorry for the long and pretty much entirely negative post. I just don’t really know who else to say any of this to. Everyone in my support network has offered me endless support and I feel like I’m just a completely broken record at this point.

My wife asked me again this week if I wanted to get a brain scan like maybe my brain is broken. Sometimes I do wonder maybe it is. It doesn’t feel like my serotonin or dopamine receptors even work anymore. It doesn’t feel like I’m able to create any of my own GABA at this point in my brain. I feel completed fried and void of pretty much all positive emotion. I want to rebuild these damaged and broken relationships in my life but don’t know how much work I need to put in for it to start to feel normal, or if it ever will.

Thanks,
-Christopher

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I hear you. Recovery can be tiring. Life can be tiring. Overthinking and feeling overwhelmed and confused is tiring. That is ok. You are moving forward, and doing recovery at your own pace, with ups and downs and plateaus. It sounds like you are doing everything you can, so I don’t really have advice, but I am letting you know I understand where you are coming from and empathise.

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That is the deal, and it’s bad news for some of us. You’re feelings of being a fraud are legitimate - maybe not objectively true, but legitimate. It’s okay to feel.

What can you do, what action can you take? You are sick of talking, is it time for action? You’re going to meetings, are doing step work as well? The other major thing that helped me was service. When I got the key to the meeting room at 6 months sober, I felt like I’d won an Oscar or something! They trusted me! And then at 18 months, I started keeping up the area web-site and I was really off and running on the service path. Service in the program is great, I highly recommend it. But there are so many other opportunities, people are dropping like flies every day from want of kindness and a hot meal.

Getting stuck in my own swirling head has always been cured by a little prayer/meditation/mantra, and a lot of turning outward to others. Even doing the damn dishes and not making a point of telling my spouse about it!

Hang in there, brother. It takes time, and with sobriety we have the luxury of time.
:pray:

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Hang in there. My motto is “Life is Gifts Wrapped in Shit!”. You gotta go through the Shit to get to the Gift of helping someone through similar shit. The only way out … is through. You got this & we’ve got you :muscle:

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Hey buddy! I’m sorry you are going through this. First three steps of AA might be helpful. I have to practice those daily on many aspects of my life, not just alcohol.

Also to note, you are approaching the 100 day milestone. Tricky. Something magical changed in me and my recovery at that point. Don’t give up. You’ll miss out on the good stuff living a life in recovery provides us. Also, wrapping of winter here in the US. Winter blues are real. Spring always adds a little spring to my step. Pun intended.

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When I feel tired of things I try to find things to be grateful for or things that will humble me. Real respect and stuff will come and it will be genuine if you just stay sober and continue to do the right thing, the bad things you did while drunk don’t disqualify you. I don’t think anybodys really tired of helping you, but if they are tired, they still see the value of it. To give my life meaning and get away from that sense of meaninglessness and sometimes uselessness I had to find ways to help people and love people. Your life is good!

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Hey thank you so much for this response. :pray:t3:I hope you are right.

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Thank you! I didn’t even think about it being 100 days very soon. In my head I was like “well shit I don’t get to stand up and get another chip for another 3 whole months” and to me right now that feels like an absolute eternity.

Not that the chips make or break my recovery or have any real relevance other than the recognition I get for it from my peers and community. But to me right now it’s something I’m really holding on to tight and really value. It feels nice to stand up and get a hug in front of a meeting and have everyone congratulate me.

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Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. I am trying to take a lot of action. I am rebuilding things with my family, working around the house outside of work. I’m back in school trying to get my MBA. I’m working the steps with my sponsor. Working with my therapist weekly, working with our family therapist weekly, and I hit 5 meetings a week. I’m involved in the communities but haven’t taken a service commitment yet. I’m struggling to find regularity in my weeks and a meeting I can go to weekly, but that’s really more an excuse. If I got a service commitment it would help me to go every week more.

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Thank you friend :pray:t3:

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Thank you so much. Yeah I feel like, and the feedback I keep getting from friends in the community, is to just keep doing the right things and it WILL get better. That’s just hard to see right now. I appreciate your support hope you have a great day.

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You’re doing great by just reaching out. Kudos to you for trying to stay connected. We are natural born isolators…it’s what we do. I try to DO the opposite of what I normally would have done - and that seems to work, bcuz my thinking is relatively “good”, I think :rofl: but sometimes old behavior seems more natural to me. Again, that didnt work then, so i know it won’t work now. Gotta try something NEW: N-nothing E-else W-worked. Keep climbing that mountain, my friend :open_hands::+1:

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In my early 30s, I said these exact words. I was finally diagnosed with clinical depression, and after a few months of prescribed concoctions they got it right. I became a functional alcoholic with little to no depression. Now that I’ve been sober for 15 months and on depression meds for over 30 years, life is very good compared to where I was. But life is still life. I ended an 18 year relationship nine months after I got sober, and I buried my brother yesterday. I still wanna stay sober. I can’t take anymore bad episodes of life on alcohol.
First thing I would do is find a behavioral therapist who practices EMDR and drop your therapist. It was recommended to me in rehab. In 3 months I was free of the anxiety, shame, fear, PTSD. We picked three main issues to address. What a load lifted!

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hi @ChristopherP
It’s good you come here and share. Yes, the 100 coming up can create inner turmoil. It sounds a bit like you feel stuck. That’s quite normal. We all feel stuck in one or another way from time to time. Maybe you are expecting too much too fast from yourself? Something I don’t like to hear but it never fails to help me is: Be patient and be kind to yourself. Yes, life can suck and pity party for coping with everyday struggles can suck too. When you do one nice thing daily to yourself and to others you change your focus twice a day. This adds up :hugs: Buy yourself flowers. Deliberately say thank you to someone. Make yourself and others a compliment. Sit for 5 minutes in silence doing and thinking nothing. Little nice things add up.
Hope you are feeling more stable and content soon.

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I am sorry you are feeling this low at the moment. The pressure is palpable. The ‘I should, they think I should, the given this or that I must be’ can cause a lot of stress. It can at least for me. Acceptance for the current situation is helping me, accepting that I am against, that I am unhappy at the moment, accepting that maybe people won’t understand, accepting that even you seem to have it all, that you got it, you don’t feel like it. Reflecting on things a am grateful for is helpful for me. Maybe it’s only one thing at first and maybe you are reluctant as well because it just doesn’t feel like it. It is sometimes tiny things that I am grateful, like a sigh when you have a look at people around you. I think getting it out somewhere, here, is a huge step.

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This post really spoke to me Christopher. It’s definitely good to let it out. It’s good that you have all those support systems in place, I know you’re probably tired of hearing that. I understand being sick of the drop your baggage off, get the supporty huggy pat on the head stuff. I was in a 30 day rehab and while I did appreciate many of the things, sometimes I just wanted to tell everyone to shut the hell up get over themselves, I’d had enough of the going around in a circle at the end of the day “what are you grateful for today? Grateful for being here and all you guys.” crap… I’d be very grateful if one could shove it thoroughly up one’s ass, I would sometimes want to say.

Not very nice, I’m a real self serving asshole sometimes, but understandable. Anger is part of it, depression is part of it, having every good thing for yourself but finding NO joy. Ruining and wasting something that someone else would be incredibly grateful to have… is definitely part of addiction and a real frigging fantastic good thing for me to dwell on when I want to kick myself and feel sorry for myself… and feeling sorry for myself is about as useful as an underwater hairdryer.

So, you don’t feel like this every week. Ok good, so you won’t feel like this forever. You get sick of the saccharin sentiments, hell I do too sometimes. Although, don’t get me wrong. I am always here for when someone needs the support, reassurance and kind words and virtual hugs. I’m very new here. And the kind support was exactly what I needed and still do sometimes, even often maybe. But I get it.

Maybe you need to take a step back from the meetings and groups for a while. I can’t say, I don’t know you, but if I were getting that fed up with it I would as long as I was sure it wouldn’t impact my own sobriety. Maybe tell your therapist you’d like a few visits with another just to get a different perspective, they should understand that. It probably wouldn’t hurt to see a doctor about this, your therapist may be good, but I’d get an opinion from a doc or two. Ultimately it’s your choice.

I’m glad you did get all this out. You obviously needed it. Do what you gotta do for you man, so you can be there for your wife and (is that your baby in pic?). You’ll be alright.

I’m here whenever you need to vent it out.

Hang loose for now :call_me_hand:

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Two thing I forgot to address. The part about “maybe it’s your turn”. Hell yeah it’s your turn, it’s always your turn, it’s whoever’s turn that needs it, anytime. BE pissed, vent it, bitch, bemoan, punch a teddy bear (then laugh at how ridiculous you are for punching a teddy bear) it’s fine. Let it out but you know… move on from it too.

  1. Be careful about the “oh yeah, you’re right, thanks everyone” replies if that’s not what you’re really feeling. I say this because I’ve been guilty of it. Didn’t feel at all better but said I did because that’s what I thought they wanted to hear and I didn’t want to take up anymore of anyone’s time, and it did fuck all for how I actually felt.

Oh and an extra thing, check out my post titled “lost it, I’m an idiot”. In there I called myself a hypocrite, well it was fair, I can be. Definitely try not to be but yeah, just as guilty. But then look at the last paragraph where I said I wasn’t even looking for kind words. Fuckin lie, hell yes I was, I honestly did not feel like I deserved any, but yeah, bet your ass I wanted someone to make me feel better. I think probably many of us are guilty of these things.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. :call_me_hand:

:call_me_hand: I like this little emoji thing, I’ve seen some people use the hugs a lot, so this is going to be mine. I’ve never been much for emojis but I like the hang loose one. I love surfing, I really suck balls at it and don’t live anywhere near an ocean but hey, I’m a hypocrite. Anyway, now I’m just being an idiot but I wanted to lighten your mood. Don’t dwell on all this man, and if you need to, just take a day for yourself.

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So, I read part of your post and could relate. I feel like that was so long ago ! Now it’s about loving myself fully, really enjoying the good moments. Reminding myself the “bad” times don’t last forever. Keeping busy. Helping others. I do think about drinking or drug use at times and it’s hard to explain, I want to use would love to be one of those people who can have a drink now and then but I know (I absolutely know) it’ll hurt me (and those I love) more in every part of my life.

Don’t be so hard on yourself.

And get out of your effin head. Go volunteer. Help others in need, worse off than you. Learn to be truly grateful.

Find what you love doing (besides drugs and drinking) and do more than that.

You got this

Sorry to sound preachy, hope it helps though

Stay sober my friend

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It might bw worth acknowledging some gratitude for the positive things that you do have.

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Hey man.

Thank you.

Your response was really really on the money in so many ways, and I appreciate not feeling alone in my feeling this way. Everyone’s always “toeing the party line” as it were, and it gets exhausting hearing it every day.

“Oh if you’re feeling this way it probably means it’s a good time to hit a meeting”.

Yeah ok I’ve hit 5 this week I don’t know what going to a second one today is going to change in any revolutionary level. But at least I’ll be in a meeting and not getting fucked up or sitting in my own head.

I don’t know. It’s hard to explain really well without sounding like an ungrateful dick. But your insights really fit, you found the right words for how i’m feeling and I really appreciate that.

A lot of people have brought up that this is also right around the time things get pretty difficult for us addicts and alcoholics. I get 100 days clean and sober tomorrow, and the number alone isn’t overwhelming but just the level of rawness and anxiety is.

I feel like I’m just rawdogging my way through life right now and it’s dry and abrasive as fuck.

Appreciate the response. Have a good one and thank you. :call_me_hand:t3:

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