Early, Middle, and Late Sobriety - my story

Your Story
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Been doing a lot of thinking about why I am having such trouble staying totally alcohol-free. The easy answer is “I’m an alcoholic”, but there really is more . . . Warning - this is really long.

Early Sobriety – I was a problem drinker from the first swig of cheap Tango Screwdriver in a bottle when I was 16. I knew early on that I had a problem and needed to get a grip. But I was so young. And, of course, I ran with a drinking crowd. What would happen to my social life if I quit? Well, 35 years ago this Wednesday my older sister, who had just turned 28 (I was 26), was murdered by her husband of less than a year. By August of that year, I was such a wreck and I ended up in rehab. My abstinence lasted close to 18 years.

Middle Sobriety – During my 18 years, I got married, had two children, got a Master’s degree (how I got the Bachelor’s with the way I was drinking is still a modern mystery), had jobs of increasing responsibility. I got divorced at 40 and remarried at 44. Husband #2 I call the “train-wreck marriage”. He had a drinking and drug problem and I had NO business even going out to dinner with the man, let alone marrying him. I relapsed at 44. I had periods of abstinence soon after I relapsed and have had periods of abstinence since then. Once for over two years. The rationale and motivation for having periods of not drinking was mostly my children.

Late Sobriety – Here is the problem. Well, there are a few problems, but … for the past close to 17 years I have continued to try to get totally, 100% sober. Not minimizing the extent of the problem, because there IS a problem, but I don’t drink to the extent I did years ago. Hell, I can’t consume that much water let alone that much beer. My patterns involve going weeks or months, drinking in private because none of my friends drink, then feeling bad. I do and stay stupid things. My hangovers after even ½ bottle of wine are bad. I am going to be 61 next month. I could go on and on about all of this, but I won’t. This is long enough!!

This is the question/problem. Early sobriety was attained because I was so young and had my whole life ahead of me. The emotional crisis I underwent put me in rehab. Once I was dried out after 30 days I was SO SO overjoyed I swore never again. And, as I said above it lasted almost 18 years.

Middle sobriety – motivation was my children! And now they are grown men.

Late Sobriety – It should be totally about me. I have lived my life and know full well that I am an alcoholic who shouldn’t ever drink. I have know this FACT for 45 years. But I still drink . . .

I know nobody has an answer for me. I know that. But I never considered that I would be approaching my “golden years” still fighting this fight. I am here and I will continue to fight. I just wanted to share this, just to share it. Thanks for listening if anyone got this far.

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I can relate, a bit. I wasn’t a big drinker in my teens. Weed was my thing. I gave that up when I decided I wanted to join the USMC in 1983. I drank beer, but hardly ever to excess. As a young Marine, I might have a pitcher or two of cheap draft beer now and again, but was always mindful of the trouble an “alcohol related incident” could cause. I got married at 21, and decided to make the service a career, as I was a father at 22. I quit drinking completely and except for one night before we shipped off for Desert Shield/Storm, I was sober until 1995.

95 was the year my wife and I split up. I found myself alone in Bachelor Officers Quarters, and was a bit lost, personally. Young, single Lieutenants drank, and I joined in as I made new friends. I left the service in late 1997, (age 31) established myself as a civilian, met and married my wife, built a career, had a daughter…and I drank.

Over the years my drinking went from “acceptable”, to “problem” until I quit at age 51. I have been sober now for almost 1200 days.

Why? First, I had many good things in my life, and was no longer willing to risk losing them. My marriage. My relationship with my kids. My career. My reputation. My health. My sanity.

Second, I still have things I want to accomplish before my HP calls me home. I want to build a legacy. I want to finish life strong.

To do this, I must remain sober. Drinking and the life I want to lead, are mutually exclusive. They cannot exist in the same space.

Hope this helps.

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Hey there. Not sure that I have all too much to offer, but I did want to thank you for your willingness to share. It is so very helpful to read the thoughts of others as they ponder sobriety. What your post brought up for me, is that…I only decided to get sober when I recognized that I was worth being sober for. That to really love myself, I had to take care of myself the way I would want to take care of a sick child, pet or loved one. With health, love and tenderness. Every single day of our lives is just that…a day. Whether it is a day from when we were two years old, or 85, it is still a 24 hour period where we get to decide how we live in the world and how we treat ourselves. Surely there is nothing inherently different about your 61 year old self and your 32 year old self that doesn’t always have you deserving of living in the world with integrity, care and clarity. In fact, as time passes, don’t we become even more deserving of a little love and tenderness? I’m not sure if any of that makes sense, but writing it has been helpful in clarifying a few thoughts for me :yellow_heart: sending you some love and tenderness this chilly Monday

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@Fargesia_murielae - yes, motivation is what I was getting at. Your sharing is VERY helpful to me. It makes sense to end your life on a high note, if you can. And based on my current health, family history, and other considerations I plan on being here a while. I have thought how sad it would be for my loved ones if I “drank myself to death”. That isn’t the legacy I want to leave. And although I drink occasionally in private and am not perceived as the town drunk or the one who is going to knock over the cake table at the wedding - I still drink in an unhealthy was when I do. I want my family to say “she had a drinking problem, but overcame it”. Or better yet, not even mention me and drinking in the same memory.

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@ELY83

So much of what you said makes sense . . . and thank you.

Starting with:

I’m glad my post got you thinking about your sobriety. One of the benefits of sharing on this forum. Part of my struggle is the lack of people in my “in-person” life to share with, and I have gotten much out of reading the posts from people who really do “get it”. And getting their input.

Thank you!

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@Yoda-Stevie - thank you for taking the time. Your reasons are great reasons. And I can certainly relate to wanting to preserve the things in my life, most specifically my relationships. I have SO MANY positive things in my life. So many! And as I write this I have not screwed things up so bad that I am starting from way below sea level. Your input, and that of others her, has inspired me to do better and be better. No time like today.

And congrats on 1,200 days. That is fantastic!

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Thank you for sharing. This is worth it. The fight is worth it. Finding value in yourself and your own sober life, is worth it. Building your courage to face your life sober, is worth it.

I don’t think anyone ever gets to the point they’ve got it figured out. I think we all go up and down, in and out (emotionally at least). But we get back to it; we return to our centre. I’m thinking of you and praying for you as you search for yours. You’re worth it: you’re a good person, a worthy person, who deserves a safe, sober life where you can be your full self.

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Hey @Mbwoman, thanks for sharing. You really got me thinking about it myself. One of the thoughts that broke through the haze I was always in while drinking, was trying to realistically imagine myself, and my life as a much older me. And I realized that the image, or concept of me at that age… didn’t include alcohol. It kinda shook me a bit to be honest. Made me think why the hell wait. I can have, or at least start the process of having that life I envisioned, now. I saw myself peaceful, content, able to look back at my life with a smile on my face. There are of course many reasons that I chose to stop drinking, but this idea of what I wanted to be really stuck with me.
I got a bit rambling there hahaha! Hopefully I made some kind of sense. Good post, brings up lots of thoughts.

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I got sober at 26 and didn’t drink until I was 44, to put ages with my beginning post. From 44 to 60 I can honestly say I have way fewer non-drinking days than drinking days. That helps with an overall assessment of my life. But…it is not enough. You have probably heard the expression “I am a yet”. I haven’t lost my job…yet. I haven’t lost my health…yet. I haven’t alienated my grown children…yet.

You get the drift! So, since I have so much to lose, I chose not to drink today.

My advice to young peeps on the journey. Once you stop, NEVER let down your guard. With a capital NEV.

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@Matt

I agree. And I’ve spent enough time on pondering “why”. My post earlier today asks why…with a nice healthy dose of WHINING mixed in.

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Thank you for the honest and revealing post. I feel like our stories are inversions of each another - I got sober at 27 for maybe 30 or 90 days. When it did not have the desired effect of mending my marriage and getting be back in the house, I ended that little experiment! But from that experience I got a Big Book that I hauled around for the next 18 years, and a validation of my sneaking suspicion that, yes as much as I wanted it to be not true, I am an alcoholic. Those were my years of hell, of waking up in dread and self-pity, swearing to not drink so much that day and “changing my mind” by 3 pm. Every day the shame and guilt and remorse beat me down more and more and more.

At age 45, I was pretty near the end. I was drinking daily and simply waiting for the Grim Reaper to come collect my carcass. Multiple DUIs, impending loss of job and family, and then one more DUI arrest. During that arrest, I had a spiritual experience, and came out of it knowing I could stop drinking. I threw all my resources into building my sobriety, I used Antabuse and AA and counseling on my own. The court system and later the Department of Corrections took care of my physical abstinence with very real threats of immediate jail if I should drink. And my wife had bailed me out of the pokey for the last time. For real - the tone she used speaking to me the day after my last arrest made it clear that one more drink and she and the kids and the house would vanish like dry grass in a whirlwind.

Next month will be 16 years of continuous sobriety, and four weeks later I’ll turn 62. You and I are at the same way station in our lives, looking back over drunkenness and sobriety. I feel secure in my sobriety and I sense you do not.

Here’s a couple things that seem to me to be true. First, we do not get sober on self-knowledge alone. Self-knowledge is probably required for a contented sobriety, but it is not sufficient. So the quote I chose to respond to makes a lot of sense to me. You know you are an alcoholic and yet you still drink. Knowing the facts is simply not enough, because drinking for an alcoholic is not a logical choice. It’s an obsession with some of us, and a befuddling mystery to some of us.

Second is a truth I know but I have trouble expressing. And it has to do with the concept of fighting alcoholism. I fought like hell for many years, having drank 35 years and much of that time against my will. When I had my experience and got the message “Everything is gonna be alright”, in that moment I fully surrendered. Not to “the disease”. I had in fact made a conscious decision 2 or 3 years prior to just drink and see what happened because I was too tired to fight it any longer like I used to. I surrendered, as I can best describe it, into the loving arms of sobriety. What I had been fighting was not the drink, but the idea of NOT drinking. I also surrendered some old thinking about “forever” and became insanely happy to not drink for just one day. To lay a sober head on my pillow each night.

Certainly, the structure and clear instructions of the AA program helped me scrape myself back together, to re-discover my core principles, to build a way of living that works for me. That program has been the consistent guide for me the last 16 years, and I have watched how the program has changed me and how I have changed my approach to it.

I can’t help you or anyone else have the essential vital experience that I perceive most happily recovered addicts have undergone. It happens in a unique way for each of us, so even if you had the same experience as me it would be different for you. Certainly, doubt and questioning were with me for the first few years and that was part of it, too. Another part was connecting to my higher power through the physical agencies of that power, the people in AA, the institution of DOC, and the pursuit of physical training among others. I can tell you that as a drunk I was a hopeless case, beyond human aid. And yet I still was graced with sobriety. I know it can happen for you too, and I pray that day will not be long in coming.
:pray:

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@Mbwoman thank you for sharing this. and all people reacting. thank you for making this a heart felt thread. External motivation to stop drinking/ drugging, hurting or whatever can be powerful and very helpful. but motivations change and then it all of a sudden comes down to finding a real deep inner motivation and you hit rock bottom again. What if there is not enough self love there to do it just for you. I am struggling with that over the last year.
Sobriety was the easiest for me. until it was not and I was confronted with the lack of skills to have self love or self support, to regulate my emotions just for me. not for a partner, job, family or ego trap of being someone in the world. I try and ‘pray’ to my hp to give me the clarity to tap into the omnipresent love and learn to use it.
So appreciate you all sharing this. :heart:

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This is totally on point, it makes so much sense seeing this written down, thank you. :pray:t2:

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Thank you for your share @Mbwoman. There is some really good advice and points made here that I most certainly can learn from. I read that you put that your not the town drunk or the one that knocks the wedding cake over (or words to that effect, I still can’t get the hang of chopping quotes :woman_facepalming:t3:) this stood out to me because I have found like so many others that the addict in us wants us to be secluded and alone that way it can really mess with us and cause us to relapse. My friend that passed away last June forced everyone away so that she could drink alone… time to get something else to focus on instead of lone drinking? Just a thought… :woman_shrugging:t3: As others have said you self love is so very important. I understand that your kids have grown up, as mine have. That focus took up so much of us. Now I’m determined to go forward sober because I want to achieve more with the time I have left. I’m getting well and sober for me. I hope some of this makes sense, I know what I’m trying to say but can’t seem to get the words down today lol. YOU ARE WORTH A SOBER LIFE! No matter your age, you are worth being well and healthy and peacefully sober…WE ALL ARE!! I’m so glad you’re here with us :pray:t2::two_hearts:

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Huge thanks!!! Much food for thought. But all my thoughts are in my head…busy work day…will be back later. But I wanted to acknowledge everyone. I will probably print this out. Note to self: Don’t leave on the shared printer at work. :rofl::rofl:

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@SoberGuyUSA. Yes, I do want to be sober. Which I guess could be countered with “Apparently not enough, or you would be”.

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@SinceIAwoke - such great insight and I am so happy you shared your story. Great sobriety success and I take my hat off to you. I really love so much of what you said . . .

and

These two quotes in particular make me realize that I have had the capacity to end this addiction for a very long time. For some reason at this point in my life, I think I chose to not fully commit to sobriety. These weird-ass little “mini benders” are my last-ditch attempt to keep alcohol on the table, so to speak. And that is not suiting me in any way.

So, I have a better plan these days. I was listening to an audiobook that I now know was triggering me a bit. So, I deleted it and queued up some Pema Chodron. LOVE her so much and although her teachings aren’t about alcohol and drugs per se, she uses addiction as an example to explain the unhealthy things we do. It is relevant.

Thinking back to the “early” sobriety brings me to the story of my older sister who was killed 35 years ago - today. I have been talking to her more recently and am using her memory as an inspiration to help me. Hard to explain . . . but I very strongly associate her with my first go at sobriety. What is different now? Other than 35 years, nothing. Some of the truths I knew back then about her, her death, my resulting stint in rehab, and subsequent years of sobriety are still those truths.

I have a wonderful life and know that drinking has no place in my life. One day at a time I am going to embrace that idea. Pema also talks about habituation. I am engaging in a bad habit of thinking about alcohol at work (when bored) and succumbing to the thoughts by stopping at the liquor store on the way home. If all I have to do is make new habits by NOT stopping five days a week this will be easy, right? Umm . . . not so easy, but manageable.

In general, I am seeing this as a very positive opportunity. Sobriety is not punishment. Far from it. Your story and the stories of all the sober folks on this forum is proof of that.

And I now realize that I am rambling. But there is a place for rambling when trying to sort it all out.

Again, Dan . . . thanks. You inspire.

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By golly, I think she’s gonna make it! :smiley:

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Darn tootin’ I am.

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Still pondering this one. Your question (obviously!) hit a nerve. I try not to be defensive, but . . . well . . . sometimes I am. :frowning: Please accept my apology.