Eating disorder, Severe Depression, and not wanting to go on

Life in Recovery
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For 4 days now, after abstaining from my eating disorders for a week, I’m back in the grips of it.

I am trying so very hard, and things are not improving for me and my life.

I am so depressed and alone. I have no one to turn to. I have been under spiritual attack since 2009, and I have been fighting as hard as I can to stay sane and alive, but I am mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausted. My soul is bent over in the severest of pain.

My hopes keep getting disappointed. I don’t want to continue to live this way, and I know someone is going to tell me to seek professional help or call the suicide hotline. They don’t work, trust me, I have tried and spent so much money on therapy… only to be used and become their therapist. I literally had to console a therapist before, and she would call me for help, even after I stopped seeing her.

I just want the pain to end. And now, in additional to my emotional pain, I have physical pain… my knee, lingering sciatica, hand, and wrist pain…like the emotional pain isn’t enough.

How can a loving God who is all powerful look down and see what is happening and not help me out of this. Why are miracles withheld from me. I think I am a good-hearted person, I believe my heart is pure. There is so much good I wish to do in the world. There are so many ways I can be used to help so many. So why isn’t He saving me. Why so many many many years of pain, trauma, loss, aloneness, rejection, being taking advantage of, mistreatment, just pure hell.

I need so many miracles. Please help me, Lord. I no longer want to exist like this, I have become nothing and no one.

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Please don’t give up on therapy, you’ve got nothing to lose right?

It sounds like the therapist you had before may not have been the best match for you, but keep trying others and alternatives until the fit is good and you can get the help that you deserve and need.

Have you heard of the app “better help” in that app you can try different therapist and switch about as you need. You need to find the one who fits your style.

I’m really thinking of you. Eating disorders are such a difficult challenge :heart::heart::heart::heart:

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Hey, I read post and have no good advice, but am thinkin of ya and sending Peace vibes your way…

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Thank you for your comment. I have tried 7 throughout the years and unfortunately I do have something to lose…money. :pensive_face:

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Hey Skylah,

I am so sorry you are in so much pain right now. I am sorry you are experiencing so much suffering in your life right now.
The thing that helps me the most in times of suffering - mental, physical and emotional - are recovery meetings. I attend Recovery Dharma online meetings. They are based on buddhist practices and principles. The programm itself has helped me tremendously to deal with the hardships in my life. And the community of people in those meetings are a foundational pillar of my safe space.
I hope you can find some release from your pain soon. Sending you love :mending_heart:

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Thank you so much.

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I had such debilitating back pain. I will be honest, there were times I did not think I could live that way. I am 60yrs old so no spring chicken. I am doing better but I have to work at it. I have to move, some form of walking or exercise, every day. This might be crazy but I started riding a bike…. A stationary one is good…. It helped my back so much. I am sending you healing energy. Stay strong.

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Have you tried being of service to others? What about joining an eating disorder support group? Sounds like you are missing connection in your life and at my deepest i was feeling the same as you feeling so alone and hopeless.

This is a trial for you to overcome. Do not give up home and try new supports until something works. You can recover. Dont quit quiting

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I agree with what @Cjp said
I thought the most important part for me about treatment for my ED was the group therapy component. Eating disorders make us feel so deeply alone and connection with others who have been there can make some difference at least. I hope you find the support that works for you. I went through a lot of doctors and therapists before i found my current and amazing care team. It’s so disheartening

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Thank you so much

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Thank you. I have searched and searched for groups where I am currently living and there is nothing. I called churches as i wanted to start a face to face EDA meeting, but they want 100 a week to rent a room and i cannot afford that right now. I keep searching but as of date notta.

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You are strong, capable and worthy of happiness and peace. Depression can make you feel so alone, in a hole that keeps sinking deeper.. but you’re not alone and depression just taunts for fun..

Progress takes time and depression requires daily coping.. you got this!

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Hi @Skylah I just quickly read this thread…
I went through eating disorders myself, suffered with it for many years (age 15-30). Im 47 now, my relationship with food is healthy, sadly 7 years after I recovered from ED I started having problems with alcohol. Anyway, long story… I think I might be able to help you/advice you on how to recover…

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Could you share more about it, when it started and how long you’ve been suffering? Or you could write to me DM if you prefer. XXX

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