You’re not alone - many of us go through the same thing.
It’s a good excuse to go to a meeting: it’s an easy way to stay safe. There are both in-person and online options; here’s some online ones:
In addiction we’re alone, fighting a battle with ourselves. In recovery we find support and we connect. Stay connected and it will keep you safe 
Take care Emm and remember: you’re a good person and you deserve a safe life where you can be your full self.