My relationship has completely fallen apart. I feel like if I stay I’d be failing my kids. This person is emotionally abusive and manipulative. I don’t know what to do. But I know I need to leave. If I leave I’m financially crippled. I won’t be able to live on my own my name is on the lease and every utility. I feel broken and stuck. This person is not always awful sometimes he is loving. But his temper and his tongue had created a hostile environment for me and my children. I don’t want to subject then to this environment. Please help any advice welcomed. Feeling hopeless.
If you have at least a two bedroom, is it possible for you and the kids to stay in your room for a while and rent out the other room?
My area offers a low income credit for utilities, it’s about a 30% discount and you get a lower rate as well.
I do know what I should do but because I know it will be so hard I feel like I keep hoping for the best. Things aren’t changing… And I don’t see them changing. I don’t know how ready I am to have my whole life turned upside down.
Totally understand this one. Can you detach from him lovingly without actually moving to two different homes. Meaning separate your feelings from your relationship completely but without hate and anger. You can’t do anything to change him but you can do everything you can to be in a better head space to make life a little more bearable for you.
How is he with the kids?
And I still love him. That’s what hurts the most.
Whether a divorce or a break-up with a live-in, the unwinding of finances may seem insurmountable at first, but a couple of things to consider:
Have you really looked at a “4-walls and food” no-shit budget? You would be amazed at how little one can can get by on, when you have little to get by on.
What’s the price of emotional safety and sanity?
I’m sorry that’s heartbreaking to read… I’m sorry
Girl I know exactly how you feel on this one. I’ve been living this for 6 years. It was one of the reasons I drank as much as I did. It’s super hard, especially if you feel stuck financially. I have had to learn to detach more. I saw a book recommendation “Codependent No More” on here, and it has been helping a lot.
Thank you, it’s hard to not drink through this but I know I’ll just feel worse. I can always go to my mom’s but my mom and I have had a toxic relationship while living together and it would be worse in my opinion.
I can probably relate more than you know, I’ve been with my husband 9, nearly 10 years, I love him but I can’t take another day of threats, emotional and mental abuse anymore. He smokes weed and it does not make him a nice person. Yes he’s had his great moments but when I look back at those times it was when I was vulnerable and he had control. Does it worry me financially yes but I always get by, I’m under social care so I know I get get advice from them. Benefit system will help too. Since telling the husband that we are better apart he’s hidden the bank card, it’s the last thing he can control these days as I no longer live in Fear and I no longer give him control, having a shit life for my kids and I would be the reason I drank but 5 months down the line I am much stronger than ever. You need to find a way out even if you go to social services, they are not bad people and can help
I don’t feel as alone reading these encouraging loving responses. I’m so thankful to have a support system here.
These decisions and actions are rarely easy, heck I cried for 5 days straight thinking about leaving, I knew what the right answer was but I had to accept that even though I love my husband it’s the right thing to do
Love is action, not feeling. I can have the most burning desire for my wife, but if I do not cherish her, be kind to her, support her, uplift her, I am not loving her. The same thing applies to how she loves me.
So if he is mean, cruel, angry, cold, he is not loving you, regardless of what he “feels”. If he is kind and considerate to a stranger, he loves them better than he does you.
Think on this, and consider whether or not you love him.
I don’t know how to do the quote thing on here, but just to quote Yoda-Stevie “if I do not cherish her, be kind to her, support her, uplift her, I am not loving her.” I feel like this gets really tricky for women in our situations because often times the men we find ourselves with still do these things also. So it becomes quite confusing. And those are absolutely the right ways to love someone. So if you have someone who does those things but is still emotionally and/or physically abusive then it changes from love to manipulation. I feel like that is the key difference. The right kind of love should be the things Stevie mentioned without emotional abuse also being involved in the mix.
Love, and being emotionally or physically abusive are mutually exclusive. One cannot do this things and still love.
I think where the confusion originates is in a manufactured pop-culture understanding of what Love really is. We confuse lust and desire for love. These are feelings, not love. “I love the way he/she makes me feel…” again, this is not love.
As soon as one mentions feelings, they have departed the zone of love. Good feelings such as contentment, peace, desire, are reactions to someone loving us. Bad feelings such as anger, shame, fear, sadness are reactions to expressions that are as far from love as one can get.
To love and be loved is to have the sun shining on both sides of one’s face.
Megan, I’m sending you all the love, strength and courage I’ve got to spare your way. I’ve stayed in relationships that were physically abusive longer then I should and emotionally abusive/manipulative for longer than I should. Always out of a combination of love and fear of the unknown. I get it and I know it’s hard.
It sounds like you know what the right answer is, hard as it may be to implement. There are always practical solutions to practical problems.
Everyone here has your back and I bet you’ve got some real life people that will have your back. I kept my stuff secret for a long time because I was afraid of responses of others. Once I opened up, help and support began to materialise. You are strong and resilient. Sending you and praying for you to find what you need.
This is great insight. I’ve experienced a lot of the bad feelings myself so I can see how that makes sense. There is love out there for sure. It’s just when you get conditioned by years of emotionally abusive relationships you start to believe those lies from the perpetratorsthat it will never exist for you and they are the best thing to ever happen to you etc.
The longer you stay, the more damaged your children’s emotional and mental states become. Not only are they experiencing it, but they witness their loving mother, the only person on this earth who will protect them, being mistreated by someone who should be protecting her.
If you know you need to leave, and he’s not in any rehabilitation programs or counselling to better his behaviors, LEAVE.
The financial challenges are there whether you have a man or not. Get a roommate that has kids, get a female roommate, downsize your home. Whatever it takes. Money and love will come and go; your family’s well-being is priceless. You’re enabling his cycle of emotional and verbal abuse.
Get strong and make some moves. You’re a superwoman waiting to get things handled. The true Mr Right will find his place in yours and your kids’ lives when you get yourself strong.
What a wonderful place to have come to find support and understanding I have been trolling this site for over a year and decided to register today. First post I came upon was yours…God Bless you and your children. Your story and the replies have actually helped me as well…As I have been in an emotionally at times physical abusive relationship for over 12 years. I as well have 3 kids and know this most be the year I separate for good as my sobriety…and mine and my kids peace of mind rely on me taking this big step. Your not alone.
Here’s what I know. Those children are really lucky to have a mom who is willing to face painful truths and decisions. Megan - I can only imagine how hard this is for you. Still, you seen clear that you have make some changes for the emotional health of everyone involved.
@C-sun’s advice to consult with an attorney is a good one. Look at what your options and resources might be before you make irrevocable decisions. There might also be a family justice center or something of the kind in your town. Those folks may know of resources you don’t know exist.
Know that you are not alone in this. You have a family here who cares about you and will support you in any way we can.️