Hey friend…I’m so sorry…I see you struggling. Putting forth all your tools and working towards keeping yourself accountable.
Baby steps my friend…look at the moment at hand and Kee strong for the upcoming second. Your 24 hours will begin to stack up
We are stronger with support. Have you considered counseling or group/ individual therapy?
I just wanted to say that I see you fighting and am proud of you for not giving up on yourself 
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You said it, Baby steps. Trying to not be so hard on myself, but it’s tough.
Just today, having a great day, but at any moment, just a moment, you drop your safeguards. I had my phone locked up, i went to forward vids of my son from one phone to the other. Well, in order to do that, i had to unlock the phone from online at work. The moment i did that, i saw a popular social media site.
I should have immediately just deleted the app, or simply after unlocking it, unlock it right back. I clicked on that app, hit a recent search, and clicked off before the inappropriate picture loaded. Like, dont play man. Stop with that. I immeidately locked it back up before i saw anything. My addict brain is RELENTLESS. It’s not like i even having a craving, it was all like AUTOMATED. SEE APP, CLICK APP, SEARCH.
I can’t let up for even a second. I dont ever trust myself to be sound online so i have to constantly be aware of my steps. All it takes it one look to send me spiraling.
Just one Misstep. Taht’s all it takes.
As always, i really appreciate your kind words. It’s my struggle, and it’s been a good day, that ‘hiccup’ was a reminder, i have to be on my game at all times.
So today, it’s been ADD all day.
I know the rules, this really started last night, when i cut the game on, even though i’m supposed to be done for weeks as a consequence of my relapse last saturday night. Today i’ve not looked at a single bad thing, but that is not the point. You’ve been on youtube today, scanning video after video. Too much Dopamine, too many compromises…You understand that compromises on little things, leads to compromises/setbacks days from now. I just want you to follow your own rules E.
For the rest of the day/evening: the word is DEADEN. Deaden your impulse to GET ONLINE. If your not on TS, i dont want you online for anything. I dont want you on youtube for anything.
When your taking in Dopamine all day, you are feeding your addict. It doesn’t matter that your not looking at anything pornographic, that’s not the point. It’s the constant dopamine i dont want. For the rest of the day, Once this browser is closed, determine if there anything work related you can do, if not, prep for your meeting tonight. Do your bible reading and the rest of your lesson. It’s 1:31pm. You have 2 hours before you leave work. Your Default settings is always set to easy path possible. Click, Click, Click.
So, here’s the plan, your notebook in front of you, go ahead an notate what happens next.
Done.
Give yourself another 3 minutes, click off TS, and let’s focus.
You got this man! Good job checking your behavior when it comes to the quick dopamine addiction. My main addiction is drugs, I have struggled with porn in the past, but I’m doing a lot better now thanks to Jesus. Just make sure to put your relationship with him first and I know you’ll get through it.
Hope this might encourage you.
Romans 8:31-39 ESV
What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?
Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,
“For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Facts! One of my favorite scriptures!
Bible principles i’m trying to live by to get me through my journey:
Colossians 3:5 - 5 Deaden, therefore, your body members that are on the earth as respects sexual immorality, uncleanness, uncontrolled sexual passion, hurtful desire, and greediness, which is idolatry.
Proverbs 22:3 - 3 The shrewd one sees the danger and conceals himself, But the inexperienced keep right on going and suffer the consequences.
Phillipians 4:8 - 8 Finally, brothers, whatever things are true, whatever things are of serious concern, whatever things are righteous, whatever things are chaste, whatever things are lovable, whatever things are well-spoken-of, whatever things are virtuous, and whatever things are praiseworthy, continue considering these things.
2 corinthians 4:16 Therefore, we do not give up, but even if the man we are outside is wasting away, certainly the man we are inside is being renewed from day to day.
Psalm 97:10 you who love Jehovah, hate what is bad. He is guarding the lives of his loyal ones; He rescues them from the hand of the wicked.
It’s kind of crazy how random things can trigger you. My wife asked me about why i didn’t have more pictures of myself growing at a certain age. I started getting upset bringing up the memory of my mom getting married out of no where and moving to california. In my head, at the moment, i was trying to figure out if i was being real or acting? I just replied: I need therapy. The layers of pain/frustration are real. I’ve had no focus on anything lately too long. It’s just an uphill battle. Yesterday i snapped at my son, and took him to bed, the look my wife gave me, i just sat in the dark after that, feeling like crap. It’s darkest before the dawn i guess. Let’s not be so dramatic dude. Your not feeling well, you had a bad MOMENT, you’ve had your struggles, let’s not just look at life glass half empty all the time. Smile, appreciate the good times, appreciate that it’s friday, be thankful your sister is in town, your parents are alive, you have 2 boys, your married and happy, you are not your addiction. Life could be so much worse so let’s not spend every waking hour complaining about poor me and my addiction. Keep your head up and learn to appreciate everyday, let’s be light, not dark and brooding all the time!
How are you doing E? I know that it can be rough to find the positives at times but i feel like you are digging deep and finding your gratitude’s. Hopefully your addict mind will give you some peace. Keep doing all that you are doing. I do think that therapy might be a good avenue as we can’t do this battle alone.
Sending you and yours love and Merry Christmas wishes 
Merry Christmas, E! God bless you, I hope you and your family have a great one! Much love
Appreciate your kind words as always Jasmine. It’s a DAY TO DAY WAR FOR ME REALLY. Battling my impulses, addictions, negative thoughts, etc. Good weekend though, other than being sick, it’s just dealing with myself that’s the hardest thing. I can see how i react to certain things and how i overreact, dont think, impulsively takes things personal, not thinking before i speak. I just want to stop and think before i say/do anything. How will my words affect what happens next? I do this thing where my wife will tell me i need to do something, for some reason, i always need confirmation for other sources and i challenge it from my wife. 30 seconds later, i always feel instant regret. Like, why do i impulsively want to disprove her thought? I did it twice in the span of 20 minutes and i just sat looking sad at breakfast. The rest of the day i managed to ride the ship, i apologized to her for this. But i just thought to myself: going into 2024, i really need to layout my goals, i have alot of goals that need to translate into ‘systems’ so i can actually achieve something a little every single day. I know it’s a process, i just want progress and not perfection. But i need to see progress in myself, i long for it and crave it.
Appreciate your kind words Alden, you take care bro!
I am so sorry for your internal war today. Take deep breaths and try to find a place to calm your nerves. I know that for me at the beginning of my sobriety I was snapping at every little thing…some were so ridiculous but I was just in an argumentative mood.
Once I realized that my body and mind were trying to adapt to living without my addiction…that’s when I could start to control the frustration and anger. It took a while and a crazy amount of patience. I would bite my tongue and just listen. Even if I didn’t agree I would not reply. After a while I realized that my reply would have been nonsense and only ruined the moment.
I do feel for what you are going through. Know we are here for you. It does get easier . I do hope that you are able to talk this out in real life with a therapist or a counselor…we can’t do this journey solo.
I do need to see a therapist. Got alot of repressed stuff i deal with. I do have to bite my tongue alot. It feels good to come on TS to unload alot of my baggage. I dont want to lose my family and my wife has been so patient with me over the years. It’s a struggle, but i just have to keep going. I do have good accountability folks in my life, my sister is a great help through this process too, she’s probably the only person with my exact same brain who understands 1000% where we came from, what we’ve been exposed to, and what she herself has to deal with.
Grateful that you are able to come here to unload and i do hope that this helps.
Grateful for this too. Glad you have some folks in your corner.
I do hope that you are able to find a good therapist to help you unpack your repressed stuff. It is hard trying to recover and move forward when parts of us are stuck in the past. Sending you love and strength
Appreciate you Jasmine. You build us up, strangers, and yet you get to know people and appreciate what they bring to the table. Take care friend.
Thanks for those sweet words E - i do feel like i am among friends here and appreciate being on this journey with all of you 
I need to unload. More evidence of me needing to see a therapist.
I get home today. My sons don’t greet me. Whatever. (I’m the adult, i need to always lead my example.)
Instead of being a mature adult, i resort to passive agressive behavior, something i never do. My son was eating chips and watching tv. I came in, took the chips, and walked out. He began to cry. I left him there. My wife called me out on the incredibly immature behavior. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed of my behavior. Like i needed yet another reason to be embarrased and ashamed. And yet, now my greatest fear has to: her questioning my ability to lead this family as a father and example. I feel like tonight’s behavior was a line in the sand moment. Hes 3 years old. What would make a grown man be passive aggressive to his child? I apologized to him but now she will see me in a different light. Feels like I’m falling apart, a little everyday. I fear if ispilled all my troubles, 21 years of marriage could be done. So yea, not great.
Am im being dramatic? My emotions are wrecking me. Guilt is wrecking me. I need a release desperately. I wish icould swim in the morning, i need that pool. When is the last time i had a clean conscience? October of 2018. I had it for 3 months. In 21 years, i had a 3 month window of a clean conscience. Thats it. I love my family. I love my kids. I would never want to hurt any of my family. I do not have a temper, ive had low self esteem my entire life, i have abandonment issues bigtime, daddy issues, and probably a bunch of undiagnoised stuff.
Other than that, I’m pretty normal. Yea right.
I don’t think that you are being dramatic at all. I know you are a good person and love your family. You are going through a lot. Can you reach out to your support system?
I am so sorry that you are struggling right now. Can you keep your phone far away from you so that you don’t have easy access. Sorry that you can’t get to the pool. Do you have anything else that helps you relax and is a good distraction?
Keep going strong friend. I do hope you are able to get an appointment with a therapist soon. I do think a professional will be better equipped to safely help you process your past and current emotions.
Sending you strength my friend you are stronger that you think.
So…trying to do this my way, got me 90+ days, before falling April 5th. I’ve subsequently fallen Within 8 hours April 5th (twice) and April 20th.
Feeling heavy shame and guilt this morning. Sadness. Listening to 'the Porn Trap." Need to finally follow through and see a therapist. Been living in the dark too long. My addiction needs light aka confessions. I’m scared to death of telling my wife. She’s know for decades but thinks i’m long since over my issues. It’s like, i dont want to lose everything and all the good that i’ve done doesn’t outweight my issues. But as a porn addict, there’s always a dark cloud over you. I know i’m far from alone. I’ll call and confess to my sister here shortly, who’s dealt with her own husband’s issues, and she herself has been exposed to the same things i have growing up.
I just need to stay vigilant, Keep my phone locked, fight self absorbed/selfish behavior, and stay present. Keep talking, dont go months without posting like i’ve got things figured out CAUSE I DONT. I still need help, an although it hurts, I COULD USE SOME HUMILITY IN MY LIFE. Cut the crap of folks thinking you got it all figured out, your good, you have integrity! Come on.
Dont say things about yourself you wouldn’t say to another person. Let’s give myself some grace.
Take time every single day, to recalibrate your brain. Keep a stream of good positive talk in your ear, every single day.
CONSISTENCY. THAT’S WHAT I WANT FROM YOU E. CONSISTENCY.
a. POSTING
B. taking in positive self talk in the morning, afternoon, and evening.
C. BE PRESENT, but dont be afraid to have that ear piece in helping you recalibrate.
This has been a lifelong journey, and if you want it to end, NO ONE CAN DO IT FOR YOU.
Push aside the negativity, the shame the guilt, that’s not helping, LET’S BE POSITIVE AND OPTIMISTIC.