E's Accountability Log

Your Story
81

And welcome back.
I remember one of my friends telling me shortly after relapsing,
“You may not see any changes happening in you, but I do. I see growth, even if you don’t see so well in yourself.”

She was right. And I want to relay that same message to you. You are growing.

The relapse is an opportunity that God uses to help me look at unexposed, unaddressed deeper rooted problems within myself. For unless I relapsed, I felt I needed nothing extra. In sobriety, I felt I was doing everything right.

But God wanted to fix something deeper. He wanted to make this journey easier. He knew that my porn use was not the problem, but a symptom of deeper rooted problems within me.

Over the years, we’ve worked through several real problems together. One problem was the brainwashing. Another was shame. Another boundaries, particularly the importance of custody of the mind. Another the broken relationship with God.

But one problem that many keep unresolved is the problem of connection. I define connection as male friends, brothers in the Lord, that know me and encourage my personal and spiritual growth. I have numerous such friends, around 20, through in-person and zoom meetings.

My wife nor a therapist are sources of such connection. In fact, I leave my wife out of my program. She knows that I take such problems to my male friends that can better handle and advise me. But I will still support someone if he chooses to disclose to his wife or go to a therapist. It could be helpful. But I’ve also seen cases where it’s not been helpful.

Thus, my first idea for you is to find connection. A 12 step group, or a men’s group, in person or zoom. I believe that lack of connection is a much more serious problem than my fapping to porn.

And this journey is worth it. Yeah, it took a lonnnnng time. I won’t lie. But I’m so better off. It’s not about avoiding porn anymore. It’s about my healing from shame. Becoming a more masculine, strong, confident, leader. Choosing to align my life according to God’s plan. So many things that my addiction was rooted in. And until I uprooted every one of those nasty problems within me, my flesh was going to continue to act subconsciously against me to undermine and sabotage my conscious efforts to stop my porn use. Never give up, ever. It’s completely worth it. Don’t give up. Keep learning and keep opening yourself to the great lessons that God wants to teach.

2 Likes
82

Great to see you checking in friend. You have been missed!
90+ days is not small feat! you should be proud of your efforts. Also be proud of knowing that shame and guilt have no place in recovery.

Love the positive attitude :muscle: Keep pushing forward and stacking up the days.

1 Like
83

Last night:

  1. A missed opportunity.

So the last 2 days, i now take my phone and it’s not allowed to be in my pocket. I put it on the dresser the entire evening, i try to be present, be there for my family. I had a great evening. Been listening to the Porn Trap book, taking some good advice from this wonderful book.

But it was a missed opportunity last night.
My wife, who notices most things, said, "You were kind of melancoly this weekend, is everything ok. I know your mom triggered you with everything. (stuff i wont get into here). I’m often triggered by my parents for multiple reasons. I had prayed for this moment. I prayed that no matter what, i be in a position where i’m asked about my struggles and i’m given the strength to be truthful.

I should have said another prayer at that critical moment.

Because the selfish/Lier took over. My wife asked me if i had any more issues. I so no. I had a chance to step into the light, to be honest, to put my addiction in the light vs the deep shadows where it grows and thrives, and i didn’t do it. She left the room briefly and i just sat there, wondering if i’ve sabotoged everything, once again. Made me feel really sad. I have a great marriage. Been with my wife over 24 years, but i’m so afraid of losing everything, i couldn’t do it. I can’t stand her upset with me and once again, the thought of her being ashamed, i couldn’t do it. Which of course, will make matters worse down the line.

24 straight years of this addiction.

My message to myself:

Do not give up. Do the work. But this time around, i’m going to find a therapist this week, that’s my goal. I need to unload all this baggage that’s held me down for so long.

1 Like
84

I definitely need to work on my deeper issues. There just so much. I feel like i’ve been hiding shaming since i was 10-12 years old. i’m 43 now. Watching all my dad’s porn at that age, man it just destroyed my young brain, I CAN HONESTLY SAY I’VE NEVER QUITE RECOVERED, all these years later. I was so mested up. My self esteem was never good growing up. I wanted acceptance from others, i was made fun of constantly by others (fat). I got married at 21, which i thought would solve things emotionally, it solved alot when it comes to life structure, i married someone far my emotionally stable and mature than me, till this day she’s still leaps and bounds more mature. Where i feel somewhere between a 16 year old and a 20 year old most days.

I will definitely look into this. I have alot of friends in my religion, good friends who’ve overcome this problem. My brother in law actually is another great source, i need to reach out too.

i feel like my emotional baggage would be good in a group, but i still feel like a therapist might help me too. i feel like i need an emotional makeover.

that struck a nerve with me. HEALING FROM SHAME, MY GOODNESS DO I NEED TO HEAL FROM SHAME. My wife once told me she’s attracted to a confident strong man, a leader. She didn’t marry that. I’m quite the opposite for these last 22 years. I show ‘flashes’ of this, but it aint me that’s for sure. Though i feel it in me, suppressed by all my baggage.

Another tough thing. You know, i’ve confessed this sin to brothers in my congregation over the course of the last 17 years, multiple times. I was as deleted for this trash. Now i’m in a new congregation the past 6 years, and i dont want to bring my baggage into this congregation now too (3 straight congregations i’ve had to confess this sin). But that’s just PRIDE TALKING. THAT’S PRIDE, THAT’S SHAME, THAT’S GUILT. Lying is a sin, always has been, and i’ve been lying for a long time. My wife once said to me years ago once i told her i still had a problem: YOU LIKE TO LIE. (THAT WAS A HURTFUL CONVERSATION THAT I NEEDED TO HEAR, BUT I ONCE AGAIN, DID WHAT I ALWAYS DO, SUFFER GOING FORWARD IN SILENCE.)

BRO, it’s been a long road, i’m so tired. Thank you for always giving me some good advice and let me sound off on all my stuff.

I know this is a problem for so many people. Appreciate you helping me in my journey.

1 Like
85

Always appreciation the kind words from you Jasmine.

I will keep checking in, i need all the help i can get!

1 Like
86

Always here for you friend. Glad to see you back :smiling_face:. Look forward to seeing your check ins

1 Like
87

What a crazy crazy time in my life.

  1. Fighting an addiction which is destroying my self esteem daily, struggling so much with fear it’s crippling me emotionally.

  2. To leave my job or to stay…been recruited heavily for years with this company, finally got in there building and met everyone, will pay me 40k more than my currently company. But i dont like how they are basically on top of each other with no room to breath. I’m essentially trading comfort for money and i dont know if that’s the best trade. The problem is my retirement in 20 years will be so much better if i go. I dont want future me to hate me more than he already does (for my addiction).

  3. The Life of a Lier is not a happy one. I had a chance to step into the light and break my wife’s heart by telling her i’m still struggling with a problem on par with ADULTRY.

I’m just sitting at work - AS ALWAYS - DISGUISED.

i live my life as an Actor, since i was 19. Wanting to show people that i’m smart and have it all together, that i’m confident, funny, while on the inside, i’m not much more mature than that 12 year old sitting at his dad’s house watching porn. In my 40’s now, i feel emotionally broken today.

And yet, i’m being controlled by emotions.

Let’s do this E: Sit up straight. Breathe deeply. Let’s do a little cognitive behavioral therapy here. I need to call on my ‘imparitial inspector’.

  1. Guilt, Shame, sadness, depressed. These are trigging emotions. Do me a favor, Push them aside.

I AM NOT MY THOUGHTS. I AM NOT MY EMOTIONS. I HAVE THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS. BUT I’M NOT THEM.

DONE. NOW SMILE.

You E, are worthy of love, happiness. What’s happened to you, HAS HAPPENED TO MILLIONS.

You are struggling with something that has the same affect as Heroine on the brain. You are far, far from alone. All those emotions, sensations, are just that.

You are not your struggle, your emotions, your thoughts. You have these things. You see them, clearly, but you dont have to be dominated by them. Let’s put them in a cage. We can deal with them, but we dont have to let them dictate every single feeling where i feel like all is lost. That’s too much.

I see those thoughts and i’ve caged those thoughts.

Now how do you feel?

Lighter.

Good.

Your mind has trained you to be dominated by thoughts/emotions/feelings, which has also fueled your addiction for decades.

But you’ve forgotten just how powerful a tool journaling is.

All that training you’ve done is NOT LOST ON YOU. IT’S STILL THERE E. You have to take a step back and get it out, mind dump and it will come out. Get the poison on paper so you can follow up with the training.

Deep breaths. You can literally feel the relief.

For lunch today, we are going out. We are going to get my favorite Ramen meal. Taste it, bite by bite, savor it, enjoy it.

And then, i want you to focus on What you love about your life. The bad is there in everyone’s life, but there’s so much good too. There’s so much to be thankful for.

It’s hard to live when your punishing yourself 24/7. That thought process will lead to something you could never imagine that i dont even want to say outloud, but you know what it is.

We are not getting trapped in this prison of emotions/thoughts/sadness.

This impartial inspector needs to run in the background all day, everyday.

I dont want your emotions/critical thoughts controlling you. I want you thankful, appreciative. Smile. Call someone and tell them you love them. See what you can do to help others. Yes, i have a long road ahead, but the emotions that come with it dont need to dominate you.

Take a step back and observe them.

Say, “Oooh, i’m having the feeling of guilt, i’m having the feeling of being overwhelmed. I dont want them to dominate me, so let’s set them aside, Put them in a room in your mind, and close the door, we’ll revisit those later with a friend.”

This was a very good exercise this morning.

Let’s get back to work.

4 Likes
88

Let’s think in terms of the disney movie: “inside out”

you dont need to keep pushing those balls into your mind all day. Let’s fill my mind with good things today.

2 Likes
89

love the attitude! Keep it going strong friend… odaat and best of luck in filling the mind with positive and happy thoughts :heart:

90

Stressful times, and ‘First world problems’.

I’m a person who doesn’t quit jobs. Haven’t quit a job in 25 years! I’ve only worked for 2 companies since i was 19. i’m a you gotta lay me off for me to leave guy.

I’m stressed out, as a company has been after me for years is getting aggressive with there offers. It’s not that i dont like change, it’s just that i’m comfortable where i am. This other company really can help me hit my retirement hard for the next 22 years, maxing out on salary and bonuses.

Maybe subconsciously i’m just afraid i’ll fail or just scared they’ll think i’m not as smart and not work the money, i dont know. Whatever it is, it’s making me sick, the stress of it all. I told my boss and put in my 2 week notice. He comes back with a counter saying he’d meet me half way…Not the other company is emailing me, texting me, they know something is happening. We’ll see how it shakes out.

Been listening to cognitive behavioral therapy stuff, a book called the Porn Trap, there was a point that really hit me.

Whenever i get a stray thought, or see someone i view as ‘attractive’ i take my thumb and just massage my wedding ring on the same hand, Just 10 - 20 seconds. Just a cognitive reminder of my Vow to my wife. This is in addiion to all my other safeguards remaining in place
a) offline on my phone
b) avoiding trigger locations
c) avoiding ‘i’m good now guys’ behavior and start acting like a normal person in surfing the net.

ODAAT.

10 Days in, i’m just trying to take things in stride. Good breathing, get some rest.

2 Likes
91

Today is a proud day.

Today, i quit my job.

I’m just feel relief and happiness.

It’s hard for me, it’s been a tough tough decision that was making me physically ill.

But now it’s done. I dont know what it will bring with the new job, but i’m closing one chapter and opening another one.

I’m just…

Happy.

Sometimes, fear can hold you back.

It’s held me back for so long.

Till finally,

I DECIDED TO LEAP. I’m so proud of myself. Fighting tears all morning. Thankful.

5 Likes
92

Congratulations on making a big move :100::peace_symbol:

1 Like
93

I’m part of the Great Resignation when Covid hit the world. After being so unhappy with working for my company, I realized I was much happier working for myself.

4 years later, I would find working for a company a nightmare. There’s something about this people pleaser in myself that would make it impossible to retain my own masculinity while reporting to another person. This is a big foundation of my recovery path. Embracing this part of myself to go out and follow my dream.

Good job in embracing the change in your life

1 Like
94

thanks! Appreciate it!

1 Like
95

I hear you, my father was an entrepreneur for many years 65 to be exact. (now in his 80’s finally retiring this year) I’m moving to a place where they’ve been recruiting me for years and years, finally making the leap.

3 Likes
96

So good to hear that you are making positive moves for your future. Great work friend. :hugs:

97

This is provably one of my better journals to reread over and over.

Its so important to remember these words.

Living a life of a lier, faking being curied of your issues while the love of your life thinks your good. My wife said yesterday, its great you havent had issues for 5 years and of course i just sat there, unable to be honest for fear my life will crumble. She gave me a present the other day saying shes so proud and gave me this picture for my new desk. Everything i do and feel comes with a dark cloud. That cloud says your lying you know, youll be found out ans this will all be over.

I go in the room after putting the boys to sleep ans start clicking around, tho i have the net blocked. I didnt relapse but that process was the toxic process of the past 25 years. I hate porn for whats its done to me and my family. What its taken from me.

Remember atomic habits. Stop putting yourself in situations where you need self control.

Smile.

Thankful for my family, my loving and patient god Jehovah, thankful for what ive been blessed with.

You are far from alone. Dont let negavivity and this process destroy you.

Fight to love yourself E.

Lets me light today, smiling and happy.

3 Likes
98

You are working diligently and with force on your recovery. I see you putting in the effort day in and day out and that is incredible. You have come a long way in the past 5 years (it may not be all clean and sober but way more clean days and a lot of growth). You should be proud!

Glad you have this journal to read and re-read to help you stay focused and on track. Sometimes reading our own words is the kick in the pants we need :laughing: You have outlined amazing tools and recovery steps to follow - remind yourself of your own path :hugs:

2 Likes
99

It’s a known scientific fact that every adult on this planet lies. And I wouldn’t recommend anyone being 100% honest 100% of the time. Because I know that people can also be judgemental, critical, unforgiving, vengeful. That’s why AA is anonymous. People need to feel safe to know that who they see here, what they hear here, when you leave here, let it stay here. It’s not always safe to be truthful.

Yet we live in a culture that outwardly condemns dishonesty. Believing that honesty is always the best policy and that all lying is bad. I’ve witnessed many people calling out others for their lies, publicly shaming them. Taking this abstract principle as a moral absolute, I can imagine that many people suffer a lot of internal shame because of the lies they are telling others. Let me reiterate this again. Everyone lies. And those that judge others for their lies are condemning themselves because they that judge do the same things. I would personally not recommend people to blindly trust everyone with the truth. Some people are not safe to share such information. I’m a liar, and I’ve learned to be okay with it.

I’m honest with those that I can be safe with, and trust with the truth. People that won’t judge me. Like this forum, or a support group, or a trusted friend. In my honest opinion, a spouse may not the most safest person. Yeah, our culture promotes honesty within relationships. But I’ve seen too many horror stories of unforgiving spouses holding the lies and betrayal against the partner for a lifetime, often affecting their children. And while the spouses can point the finger at their PAs, calling them out for their lies and betrayal, let me remind everyone. We’re all liars. Let the one that is without sin, cast the first stone.

So I don’t judge or blame you for keeping this secret from your wife. In my observation, many wives will not be understanding or compassionate. Some will come to forgiveness after a period of immense pain from enduring D-Day. But I observed many that never get through this. They stay bitter and unforgiving towards their spouses’ lies and betrayal for the rest of their lives. They don’t even want to forgive. They simply hold their betrayal trauma like a badge justifying and rationalizing their unforgiveness. Playing the victim, they blame all of their problems on their partners betrayal and lies. I call this the dark path, and many go down it. I wish this wasn’t true. But unfortunately, because of my observations, I’ll never assume it safe for one to divulge his/her addiction to porn to a spouse. I used to believe differently; that honesty was always the best policy. But after seeing too many people get burned, I’ve changed my stance.

3 Likes
100

Deadly combination:

  1. Mix in covetous, greedy porn addiction, from age 7/8.
  2. Dad issues
  3. Abandonment issues from mom, also an addict
  4. Low self esteem.
  5. Body image issues.
  6. 24 consecutive years of guilty conscience.
  7. Prideful, would rather pretend i have it all together than seek more help. Ive confessed a number of times and now I’m a new congregation the past 6 years i don’t want to confess anymore.
  8. My heart is hardened.
  9. Now toss in a me first selfish attitude.

To recap: your addicted to porn forever, you’ve confessed many times now your afraid to lose everything, your dominated by shame and guilt that you constantly have to shutoff so you can halfway function.

Not to mention the thing that’s ruined your life is still the thing you crave. You only think about your self.

You fight hard to be a good person. You fight your impulses. And you never feel good enough. The dark cloud never seems to go away. I feel like I’m living out the rest of my days trying to help my family with little to no hope for myself.

Good times. Just a little venting session.

2 Likes