it’s kind of a helpless feeling:
Wanting to be focused, but you can’t. Wanting to get things done, but there’s a wall in my mind. Dont panic, it will pass. But you can’t just keep feeding it youtube, your a dopamine addict, you know what your brain wants, this is not shocking or surprising. Just fight and keep your head up.
I really like this. Good Stuff. Thank you for sharing.
It is all hard work and you are doing it – remind yourself of how far you have come and all the efforts you are putting in. Lean on your support system my friend. Keep pushing forward 
That’s great! I will be using that left side as much as i can! Really appreciate this!
Grace is what im giving myself today.
Raising a family
Being married
Working a high stress job
Trying to work with my addicted mother
All while trying to maintain integrity
And you know, overcome a 35 year addiction, not the easiest of things you know.
Combined with 4 hrs of sleep and a deadline.
Found myself staring at bodies again on youtube and i have to check myself. I give my eyes/heart no right to look at anyone with Lust thats not my wife…and even my wife i have to be careful, she’s not just some sex bot here for my pleasure, she’s the love of my life. Killimg the self absorbed behavior is always a war for me. My dopamine addicted brain is always crying out for stimulation.
Couple of things:
Keep fighting e. Love the man you are in the mirror, flaws and all. You got this!
Hey friend - how have you been? Been a while since we have heard from you.
I am glad to hear that you are seeing the signs of a relapse and working on your journey. Stress can be super overwhelming and it is hard to deal with under normal circumstances. Dealing with it while we are also working on our addictions is a whole another ball game. So do be gentle with yourself and do reach out for support 
Sending you hugs my friend
100%. Seeing my therapist tomorrow to discuss a few things. Always appreciate even though 99% of people will ignore this chat, you will always share something encouraging, appreciate you!
Oh I’m glad you are still seeing your therapist.
I consider you a friend and am interested in your journey. Glad to see you posting again 
Mindfullness Journaling
Day 1
Today i started thinking once again, about my habits. Why im still I’m the 250s, why I’m so stagnet when it comes to things. There are certain habits that have been longstanding in my life that have always held me back.
Habits
Handle on it rating: 7.5/10. 185 days clean and doing good.
How to win everyday: practice mindfulness, kill selfish tendencies even in little things, honor your wife with what you say, do, think about, and watch.
What this hurts: lack of sleep AFFECTS EVERYTHING AND MAKES ME VULNERABLE TO MY #1 ISSUE.
Handle on it rating: 0/10. 0 days clean.
How to win everyday: practice mindfulness, if you think about games, plan in your head for games, you start to make it a top priority over everything else, even things critically important like your wife and sleep, it’s the 2nd DOC in my life. Plan when you play: weekends only but Always go to bed with your wife. Also: games are not more important than getting in shape, walking, and taking care of yourself. Track how many hours you spend gaming.
What this hurts: shame does not push me forward, not only does it hold me back, it further lowers my self esteem and makes me feel not good enough. This morning, my wife made chicken and waffles and before i reached for a piece, subconsciously i grabbed my stomach. I actually shamed myself, sending a message to my brain, this will only make you fatter. my name on this chat is self love but i need to do a much better job at this. I’ve always hated my body, man boobs, just another your not good enough thing.
How to win everyday: As you sit waiting to leave your sons room, practice mindfulness, plan your workout for the morning, lay clothes out, make your lunch and pre-tracj your food. afterwards go to bed with your wife, not downstairs gaming. wake up, immediately put something positive into your ears, go and take a walk or head to the gym. Start everyday with self love. Love everyday with your new identity you want like the atomic habits book suggest.
New identity: health conscious gym rat, track your food but don’t go too hardcore, Mindful attentive husband and father, loving worshiper of my god.
Let’s work on these 3. There are more of course but this in itself is a load.
E, were 44 right now, let’s fight for what we want, you have it in you, i believe in you. Let’s be 1% better every single day. Little things, little habits, add up.
You are doing a great job friend – Fight for what you want and keep putting your best foot forward 
ODAAT!
After 215ish days sober, i’ve had a rough few weeks, including today.
Lets focus not on negativity, but on the road to moving forward again. It’s been a rough few weeks, including you scrolling instagram (not on my phone initially) then downloading it, scrolling images, videos, soft stuff, which left me feeling like trash. I tried blocking content, saying i dont want to see certain content, that’s not how instagram works. In the end,
It could be easy to think, ‘I failed, so I may as well give up.’ But think about this: Just because a runner stumbles and falls, it does not mean that he has lost the race, nor does he have to start the race over again. Similarly, a relapse does not mean that you have lost the fight against overcoming the bad habit. Nor does it erase all the progress you have already made. Relapses are normal—they are part of the road to recovery. Don’t give up!
Been a while - I was just thinking of you. Great to see you posting and I’m so sorry to read about your rough few weeks. Love the negative and positive breakdowns with the finale that you you don’t give up! Keep pushing forward in your recovery and working the tools that you have to help you get through each day. 215 days !!! This is incredible. We are here to help you when you stumble and offer support and love to help you keep the momentum going 
Hey there, friend. I’ve been following this thread for a while now and just wanted to let you know that I admire the way you’re pushing yourself to get back on track. I can tell you’re working really hard to get a handle on your addictions. You know what needs to be done to get there, and from what I’ve read in the past, I believe you will do it.
However, I’ve found that commitment and hard work are only one side of the equation when it comes to lasting success. I’m wondering, what do you do to reward yourself when you’ve done well? I mean in a way that doesn’t feed any of your addictions, but simply gives you a treat something to look forward to and work toward?
I think it`s much easier to stay committed with a treat in sight. For me it was travels, learning to sing and a subscription to a cinema club. Slowly but surely these things replaced what kept me addicted.
Hope you don’t mind my intermission. I am truly curious and I think you are doing great 
That’s a great question: i was looking forward to getting a new phone, but with my latest setback, I’m delaying that. I stop doing the work and now I’m recommitting myself to this process. This has been a life long struggle.
Rebuilding my PF Playbook, restocking my tools that helped me get 200 days. I know why i fell, it’s time to get those tools out and rebuild my foundation of what works for me.
Today’s Focus: AUTOMATIC THOUGHTS.
Unhelpful thought: I can’t stand being anxious or alone.
NEW THOUGHT: Being anxious is a little uncomfortable, but i can work through it, it will eventually go away, if i focus on something else.
Unhelpful thought: A LITTLE BIT WONT HURT ME, A LITTLE TASTE/DABLE WONT HURT ME…
NEW THOUGHT: P* is toxic to me, even a little bit will make me sick. One look can lead to a big relapse/consequences and problems.
Unhelpful thought: I had a rough day, i deserve this.
NEW THOUGHT: If i look at p* right now, i will have 2 problems. 1. Looking wont fix how i feel today. 2. I’ll be angry with myself for acting out.
When we choose to act out out of an emotion, we end up with 2 problems.
Unhelpful thought: I slipped, and i’ll never be able to do this. (black/white thinking)
NEW THOUGHT: I’m building skills in the area of weakness, i’ll have to get back on track with this slip. This is valuable data to make my plan stronger.
*the thought is training, building skills, your not going to be perfect, especially if this is an area of weakness, being black/white thinking i can’t do this, is completely false. We experience failure and it feels true, but we need to approach recovery like training and building skills, and when we are committed to making our plan stronger, a slip/relapse can inform us of what to do to make our plan stronger.
Unhelpful thought: It’s not fair other people dont have to have filters or that i have to have a dumb phone.
NEW THOUGHT: everyone has issues, this is my issue. This is a weakness, this is my weakness. They may have weaknesses where i am strong. Stop comparing yourself to others, it’s my issue and it doesnt matter what other people can do.
Unhelpful thought: The idea that my identity is linked to the length of my sobriety. Is my identity/worth proven by a milestone? Should i disqualify the one week, one month free, heck I had 8 months free. Staying stuck is disqualifiying the positive, thinking it’s good, not great.
NEW THOUGHT: A month is a huge step, a week is a huge step. I made it to 8 months free, that’s worthy of celebration!
Unhelpful thought: I shouldn’t have slipups, i shouldn’t make mistakes.
NEW THOUGHT: Mistakes happen and i can learn from them, they reveal holes in my plan and are opportunities for growth. Dont just think about the event, that friday night or that time with your phone, THINK ABOUT THE WHOLE WEEK, WHAT LEAD UP TO THAT? WHAT WERE THOSE AUTOMATIC THOUGHTS YOU WEREN’T AWARE OF THAT LEAD TO THAT NIGHT…THAT CAN INFLUENCE HOW TO MAKE YOUR PLAN STRONGER. a Friday night relapse can be eliminated by mindfullness on wednesday, being connected with our sobriety team, dont even forget to do the work and keep doing the work.
Unhelpful thought: I’M NEVER GOING TO GET ON TRACK. (Catastrophising).
NEW THOUGHT: I can get myself on track, others like me have done this.
Unhelpful work: Recovery work takes up too much time.
NEW THOUGHT: P* hijacks my time and takes what it wants. The cost to do recovery work is minimal compared to the time lost in P* and the heartache that follows, the guilt, the shame. It just takes over everything so you have to do the work.
All these automatic thoughts come to me from time to time, i had a setback, think about the thoughts that came to my head. I think about my constant need for validation, to be seen from others. I think everytime i clinch my stomach and hate my body, that self hatred leads to me self soothing in negative ways. That leads to clicking.
You have to love yourself at all times. Love your body, no matter what phase your in, you have to be all in on self care to move forward and show up everyday for myself and my family. You got up this morning and went to the gym and had a great workout.
Catch these unhelpful thoughts, dont shame yourself or get too mired in black/white thinking, you need to always think about the unhelpful thought that could be holding you back. You can start even anticipating the unhelpful thought.
Love you E. Stay positive and keep up the fight!
200 days!!! Way to go friend 
you are doing some impressive work 
5 minute self care ideas.
Do things around the house without being asked.
A. Laundry
B. Empty or load the dishwasher.
C. Gather trash
D. Vacuum the floors.
Cold shower.
Listen to Phillip Glass music.
Journal
Take a moment to identify any threats… triggering situation… then what am i doing for recovery?
Any tools in using?
3 Amazing things that happened?
What can i do better?
Breathing exercises
Go for a walk.
Relapsed yesterday. Here’s how it happened:
Went out of town with friends. Had a great weekend. Got back Sunday night knowing Monday morning i was back on the road for a 5 hour drive to another jobsite. No issues on the road, even listened to a recovery podcast.
Went to the job, afterwards out to dinner.
Hotel alone. Facetimed my wife multiple times. Bed time, which historically is my danger zone.
2 things i failed
#1 unprotected internet on my phone. I wanted to have net access just in case something comes up where i have to check in or whatever.
1 search, greased the slides, and that’s all it took. All my training, all my planning, out the door.
1 compromise. That’s all of took. It’s like that’s all it took to give my ‘little monster’ enough strength to lock my will power in the trunk. It went from youtube to bad websites, i was in the shower so long, i scalded my entire back, i couldn’t stop, felt like i was having a heart attack. I wanted to destroy my phone. It takes 2 seconds to delete the threat. It took my almost 2hours to do something that takes 2 seconds.
The lesson for me:
Direction going forward
Fight shame and guilt. Failed? Good. Take this opportunity to tighten up. Look at your plan this week, write it out completely. Check in with this chat, stop letting days, weeks go by, that is arrogance on my part.
Stay positive. Don’t give up E. This one war, I’ve won many battles, 200+ days.
Can we go porn Free July - December?
Do this: your really wanting that new phone this month. Let’s hold off. I don’t want an unprotected device right now. Let’s just wait and re-establish some momentum going forward.
I’m sorry your relapsed but I’m glad you can see what led to it and are not letting this one relapse continue into a spiral. July - December is totally possible. You have for sure won many battles 290+ days didn’t come easy. Keep putting in the work… ODAAT 
