My husband, Finn, wants to be supportive but I wasn’t feeling it this past weekend. There was a music festival in town and he invited some friends that live 4 hours away to stay over and attend the fest. We dont know the couple well but we were aware they both drink. “One night will be okay”, Finn said. We go to the festival where Finn and the couple get hammered and I’m the DD. We come home and they drink more around the fire pit. I politely say goodnight and go to bed. In the morning before they leave to visit their son in college, they overstay their visit by drinking beer and getting drunk till past noon. They loved the fest and invited themselves for 2 nights next year. I’m feeling resentful over this. And I don’t know how to handle this in the future. Appreciate any advice. Thank you. lola
They got drunk before getting in their car to head out and visit their son??? Yikes.
I don’t know. I always tell my husband that it’s okay if he drinks but he hasn’t gotten sloshed on me yet. I think getting very drunk would upset me. What I don’t like is that if/when I then say goodnight and go to bed I would have been given grief for not being polite to our guests. With my husband it is ALL about being polite and giving to other people, not us in the house. He’s all about being a good host…at all costs. 
So, I don’t really have any advice. I guess you can tell him that you felt very awkward being put in the situation with all that booze around you, but ultimately I guess he’s allowed to drink. As long as he didn’t get rude or belligerent with you.
My partner and I are both in recovery. We actually have pretty similar stories as well. It’s nice that pretty much all of our friends are in recovery too and there’s never booze in the house.
That being said we do not rely on each other for support. We work separate programs and generally avoid talk of recovery when we are together. Our journeys through sobriety are our own. Honestly, it works very well this way.
Bad guests are bad guests. Alcohol just makes it worse. It’d be one thing if you all had history, like taken vacations together and such.
My advice: They plan to come next year. Be conveniently absent. I mean it. Even if your husband wants to attend the fest, find a yoga retreat or some other event the same weekend…and book it.
“Oh dear. It’s the SAME weekend? Well, you play host and go, honey. Have a great time. I’ll be at the yoga retreat, getting better at getting better”.
They did what??? Omg…drinking or not-inviting them self is rude anyway. Thats what hotels are for. Like @Yoda-Stevie sayes,make sure you book the weekend with some awesome stuff!!!
Wow !! The daytime drinking was way out of order.
At least you know what’s gonna happen next year and you can make “contingency plans “
All the best. 
Their reasoning was that their son doesn’t like to see them drinking and they were taking him to lunch where I presume they weren’t going to drink. Alcoholic reasoning… i know it well.
I’m pretty sure I might have used that same logic myself once or twice…
I heard once that an expectation is a resentment waiting to happen. Like you, I expect support from my husband and when I don’t get it, I feel resentment. Today I am especially angry at him for all kinds of things I can’t change. I’m learning that the only thing I can do is tell him how I feel and then change myself and do what’s best for me, even if he’s not happy about it. I agree that if this couple returns, your husband should be hosting them alone. Good luck to you! I feel your pain!
What you said about history resonates. I make exceptions regarding drinking and loved ones. But I’m not trying to nurture new relationships with possibly alcoholic people. Sometimes I think my husband thinks my alcoholism is “cured.” Thank you for the advice. lola
That’s very good advice. I told him how I feel and I’ll have to do what’s best for me next time. I’m fighting for my life here. Thank you Sarah. lola
This was something I learned last year and it was a total light bulb moment. I realised that all the resentment I had towards my husband wasn’t because of anything he did but because I had set up these expectations for what I thought he should do. It is 100% on me. It doesn’t mean I still don’t have some resentments but I’m learning to recognize it for what it is and hopefully release them rather than holding onto them and letting them fester.
I am feeling the pain of my expectations. It sucks. I know what I have to do. Thank you for the excellent advice.
Yes this has been a light bulb for me too but only in the past few weeks. Wish I’d had it sooner because resentment and hurt has been festering for a long time now. It’s going to take a lot of work to put more of the onus on myself to be more assertive, vocalize my feelings and take responsibility for my own serenity, but I feel like I’m finally heading in the right direction. 
Serious question. Who here has gotten inappropriately drunk at a friend’s house, overstayed a welcome, or did something to offend a friend while drunk?
I’ll go first. I did all of those things a million times.
@LolaBurr Hmmm, I wouldn’t worry too much about next year. Your relationship will change between now and then. I learned to have a back-up plan when I was around drinkers. It being your partner makes it difficult but it is still doable.
And I came home from work and all my good thoughts earlier went right out the window. Hubby and kids were having a fun and relaxing day while I worked so I “expected” to come home to some effort on dinner. Instead they were zoned out on the couch. So in a childish rant I angrily made dinner. Hubby “offered” to help from his recliner but I was a stubborn ass. And now I’m pissed…at him AND myself.
So I guess I’m not doing so good with those expectations and resentments after all. Hey, at least I can recognize the issue now. A year ago I would have just been mad and held onto that anger for days.
You can stay resentful if you want or you can accept it for what it is and move past it. Your choice.
I have been learning the fewer expectations I have, the better for me. No one owes me support or anything else.
My soberity is my soberity.
I guess this process takes time. I recognize that I’m the one with the expectations who now feels let down. I have to let it go. I have come to hate my own childish rants. But I’m learning and growing and so are you.
I think changing patterns in a relationship is a process that takes a lot of time, especially when these patterns have been in place for years. My responses to my husband are just instinctual at this point, and often I’m not even aware of the patterns playing out. I agree that your awareness today is definitely progress! Just as new habits get stronger the more we practice them, so too with the ways we interact in our relationships. Keep on keeping on!