Trying to take this first step. But its not going so well. I tell myself I’ll stop that its time to be done yet once the temptation comes up I don’t stop myself. So stupid this is the one thing I need to do for everybody else but I can’t bring myself to do it. Everything else I do I do for someone else. I do my best to take care of myself because my family needs me to, I stay happy because my family needs me to, while pregnant I stayed sober because my son needed me to. But now that I have the chance to be selfish I jumped on it. Why is this my selfish act? Why cant I selfishly choose to buy something every now and then?
I want to take this first step and keep going and I know its me holding myself back but its hard. I just feel like a failure right now. I thought I was ready to be done with it but my actions say otherwise.
You aren’t a failure you just haven’t figured out how to succeed at this yet.
I set my intention to quit drinking and relapsed twice that first week. Both times I learned how not to continue. Now I know not to keep my brands in the house and not to buy bottles of wines as “gifts” (was it though, was it ever going to be gifted ).
What are you missing? Support, motivation, routine? Give it some thought and write down a few things; reasons to quit, how you feel after you use your drug of choice, etc. If you still feel the urge come on here and tell someone that you are feeling tempted. I’ve had lots of lovely people on here talk me down from an urge. It works.
Keep at it, you aren’t failing you are learning. You only fail if you give up.
I love to read so I read every quit lit book I could get my hands on (Holly Whitaker, Allen Carr, AA literature even though I don’t go to meetings) it is helpful for me to read other people’s struggles.
I stopped going out for a while. Most of my social activities revolved around bars or drinking or drinks at a friend’s house so I got very selfish with my time. I spent a lot of time hiding out from social interaction. Does this work for everyone, no but I now have 500+ sober days that I wouldn’t trade for anything so it worked for me. Once I re-joined the social world everyone who really cared was accepting of my absence.
I read on here A LOT. Like a lot, a lot. Hours per day just reading what other people had been through, picking up sayings to help me cope and generally lurking while I watched my days add up. Then I admitted I had a problem to the kind strangers on here and started interacting.
Everyone is different. Some people dive right into meetings and find success there. Some exercise or pick up hobbies right away, some overeat. You are allowed to do absolutely anything legal as long as is isn’t picking up your alcohol. Ooh I ate a lot of chocolate and ice cream for a while to help with sugar withdrawls.
Thats not embarrassing at all…Day 1 is what we’re after. So, maybe if we start thinking about your resistance to stopping being wrapped up with it being something “for you”? There’s so many people here who will absolutely understand that. There’s a common thread with all types of self harm - that it belongs to us…sometimes it feels like the only thing we really have is what we’ve got to give up…and it’s like: “right, so I’m not allowed to have anything then?”. It’s a really toxic mentality and we’ve got to start with that. You are worth so much more.
Sometimes the very early days are not the time to start examining the whys and hows…it might be too overwhelming for you. Right now, we’ve got to get you out of the immediate brain fog and so for the next 48 hours, the only thing you need to concentrate on is saying no. That 2 seconds when you just say no. Don’t think about having to saying no in 10 minutes, or an hour, or tomorrow…its just that moment. Dont fill your head up with what it means to be “sober” or the reasons you’ve got to this point - we can deal with all of that once we get a couple of days under your belt.
That feeling - that absolutely crazy resistance thats screaming to say yes - it WILL pass. It might not be for long, but we’ll take it in small manageable chunks, okay? Xxx We only need to deal with the moments for now. We say no, we dont think about why or the next moment.
You’re going to do this…youre amazing for being here and reaching out. So many people aren’t that brave or strong. Youre gonna make it out the other side but right now, we’re just going to concentrate on the immediate “now”. Xxx
Honestly I really haven’t tried much. Before I was pregnant I knew I had an issue and used us trying to get pregnant as an excuse not to drink and then I was pregnant so I didn’t drink. But now I’m 3 months post partum and it’s becoming an issue again and this time I don’t have pregnancy as an excuse so it’s pretty much my square one. I struggled with getting over self harm in the past but that felt way different than what this feels like. So I feel like the skills I learned then apply some but not as much as I would like.
I knew it was time to quit when my husband who had seen me very very drunk many times told me that he was concerned. I drank the same amount as usual that night, blacked out (as usual) and drove drunk which was more usual than I care to admit. I knew I was hurting myself but it took someone else calling me out to motivate me to really look at my actions. I think I needed to know that someone else cared maybe.
In early days I made a list of things that alcohol took from me in one column and things alcohol gave me in the other. Since the things alcohol gave me column was so short I changed it to reasons to continue drinking and the only thing I could come up with was “because it’s easier”.
Maybe you could write out some reasons you are concerned about your drinking or reasons you want to quit. Seeing how little alcohol brought to my life on paper helped me.
Once you have your why @TheWaterDog is correct the next steps are choosing every day/minute/second to make your life better by not drinking. Sober is so much better than I thought it would be.
I think thats the big thing I need to remember is the now. I dont need to think ahead in fact its udually bad if I do. I just need to think of now. And right now its okay if I dont feel okay, its okay if I feel like giving as long as I focus on not doing that. Doesnt matter what I feel or do the next minute. As long as this minute I’m hanging in there.
I hate that I have the easier/more fun mentality because my logical brain knows its wrong and that long term its wrong but my emotional brain says that it doesn’t matter we’re happy now and as long as we continue we’ll stay happy.
I think I’ll make that list. It will help me for now. I know that it won’t really help but I can’t bring myself to tell my husband it’s an issue. I think I should try to work up to that point because I know it would help but right now I can’t stand to face that disappointment. And if I admit it to him then it feels like it just makes everything more real and problematic.
I was messier as a drinker and maybe cared less but that doesn’t equal fun. I had a few “you were more fun when” comments when I started getting sober and I learned to block those people out. Those comments always came from people who hadn’t seen me on my third bottle of wine and weren’t there when I threw up brushing my teeth in the morning before work. You know yourself and what is right for you best.
You don’t have to tell anyone you don’t want to until (or if you ever) are ready. But don’t fight this alone. Every person on this site is fighting an addiction and has had a day one. Use all of us as resources. I’m turning in for the night but thanks for chatting. I’m happy you are here. Reach out anytime.
Exactly that. This is all about starting to care for yourself, being kind to yourself and realising just how much you’re worth and how important you are. But we need to make sure you do it in a way that doesn’t overwhelm you.
You’re gonna get to Day 2 and 3 and 4…and its going to get easier to look at why this happened - but right now, we gotta get it out of your body. After that…thats the time to start considering everything that got you here. As a previous self-harmer, I can tell you the patterns between that, and drinking, and especially eating disorders…are almost identical- and the reasons we are so resistant to giving up have a lot to do with desperately seeking some control in a world that we feel we have no power in.
@TrustyBird is so on the mark here, you dont need to tell anyone you dont want to…we’re all here and absolutely get it…so use us for as long as you need. I’m in a different time zone here so as she goes to bed, I’m only 11am, so theres always someone hanging around you can reach out to okay? Xxx
I really appreciate the no judgement for not wanting to tell him right now. It really relieves a lot of anxiety. Its 5am here. I really should probably be in bed but have had some trouble sleeping lately. I really appreciate all the support and it makes me feel at ease knowing that I have somebody I can talk to.
You are in my time zone. It’s 5 am here too but I’m an evening worker so I’m up late. There are people on all day and all night from all over the world. I’m going to check in with you on here tomorrow if that’s okay. Now I’m turning in for real.
If youre reading this tonight ignore it and go to sleep!!!
If its tomorrow go ahead and read on.
On one hand I dont have too many friends so I shouldnt have to block too many out. I like this site and I think I’ll stick around for a bit. I’m sure I’ll lurk and then randomly post a bunch cause I’m good at that but I think I like it here.
I think I’d like it if you checked in on me. I’m no good at doing things for myself. If I have someone else to do it for, even a stranger who I know would be happy if I succeeded, then I think I could do better.
Everybody’s rooting for your success here. I sure am too. Western Europe time here, just about ready for lunch at work. We’re in this together and that’s no hollow phrase.
It’s not a secret. I’m a mental health nurse. I started working in a detox faciltity in The Netherlands a bit over a year ago, as a nurse with experiental expertise (did some training in that respect too). Love my work. I get to give some back from what I was given and get paid for it too.
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