Welcome back Randie. Sounds like it has stopped workin for ya. That’s a great sign. Doin a meeting sounds like a great start. Keep an open mind, and don’t let the word god scare you off. It’s a spirtual program not religious. Since fully surrendering and working the 12 steps I feel amazing without my meds even. You don’t ever have to drink if you don’t want to one moment at a time man. For me a day is even long lol. I stay in the moment. Get over the hump the first week or 2 is always the worst but just hold on to you’re seat and don’t drink no matter what. As a suggestion get a sponsor you feel like you want what they have in a meeting. Be patient, most importantly be willing to do anything to stay sober. You never have to be alone in this you have us and many more out there you have yet to meet. I wish you the best message me anytime 
Thank you so much It’s a real great thing to have so much support in this forum, to take the time to give me encouragement and to not feel alone is really great! Thank you all for your kind words and empathy. I really truly want to be sober I have the best kids in the world but yet I still hurt them by drinking and blacking out which is the scariest part of being an alcoholic, how can I actually lie to myself to think that I am acting normal while in a blackout situation.
It’s so scary when the day after I can’t remember anything. It just worsens my depression and anxiety but why can’t I just see that. It’s worst than a nightmare because I am living in a real nightmare. If it wasn’t for my children I don’t think I would be alive right now because I am just so tired. I don’t drive so it’s not that easy to get to AA meetings. This Christmas will be very hard because I am not even working and my children’s father is an addicted My depression has gotten even worse because I feel so useless and alone. I have no family or friends only my kids and I am letting them down I know eventually it will all catch up to me, it already has. Just thank you to everyone that has taken the time to read my post and to show support and kindness thank you from the bottom of my heart. If anyone knows how I can attend AA meetings on zoom I would really appreciate it. Thank you. I am losing hope…
They also have a app.
There wasn’t much hope for me in the beginning but with small steps and staying sober for just today it was over 3 years ago now. Quitting is hard in the beginning BUT not nearly as hard as living life in active addiction. Best wishes to you.
There’s also this meeting, 24 hour meeting for women, online:
Download “Everything A.A” app it’s everything you need as well. And all those things you just spoke about that’s what we call the insanity of it all justifying what’s wrong, doin the same things expecting different results, or even doin the same things knowing there going to destroy our life. Hang in the Randie most if not all of us have had to hang on to our seats. You’re not an awful mother you’re just an alcoholic. The best gift you can give yourself and you’re children in my opinion only is the gift if one more sober day one moment at a time. It’s the little victory’s in my day I thrive on I hope this message finds you well 
Thank you so much! I attended a meeting
Thank you! I attended a meeting!
People on this forum will help talk you out of hitting the bar if you ask for help next time 
I’ve learned that alcohol makes depression worse, and that the depression is what will kill me if I let it get out of control. I don’t want to do that to my kids or family. That’s what keeps me away from drinking.
Sending good vibes your way 
On here you can search for types of meetings. Women only meetings often have discussion of feelings of letting down children, etc, and you can really feel at home. ( I’m sure men also feel they are letting kids down too). I also felt awful for what I was doing to my kids, but somehow not awful enough to stop. I did everything on zoom as I live abroad. It can work, if you work it.