Tonight I am feeling all the feels. I need to process it with those with experience. I know I am not doing justice to what I am feeling so I will sum it up with frustrated and needing advice.
The past two nights I have been getting a vibe from my husband that he wishes I wouldn’t stop drinking… I think he is worried about losing the fun, loopy, Maggie (he seems to forget the one too many Maggie).
Its subtle things, random comments and actions, like him being awkward about making a drink around me and saying things like “well now I guess I cant really drink”. I have not even once pressured him to not have a drink and have said multiple times that its not a big deal, it doesnt trigger me. Because it hasn’t, not this time around. My mind is made up.
He said to me he was going out to a mutual couples house tonight to have a beer, and not once asking if I wanted to go, just left. Then when I opened the fridge it was full of booze…like full. I grabbed my sparkling water and shut the door. Feels like he is getting back at me… Sounds harsh when I say it.
I mentioned something last night that I want to make this work for me this time and I really want him to not feel resentful I am not drinking, so to talk to me. But its turning into the elephant in the room… Help, Anyone else experience this? You can find me tonight in my pillow fort.
It’s normal… i mean it’s a shift in your life which will be a shift in your marriage too. It might make him uncomfortable to drink around you, maybe it’ll make him question his drinking. It’s going to take a little time to adjust imo. It’ll work out how it’s suppose to Maggie. I’m Dan, nice to meet you. I’m glad you’re here.
@littlemisschatterbox. Your right, I need to be patient and understanding that this may be confusing and a loss for him. As big of an adjustment for him.
Hi there and welcome!! I understand completely. I went thru about the exact same thing with my husband in my early sobriety. It is a big adjustment for any relationship and ours was built 25 years ago on drinking, cocaine and lots of parties and partying. It took us both a good deal of time to understand and accept the changes in our life together. This included…
him learning that this time I was serious (as opposed to all the other times I relapsed)
no, I would not be fun drunk Sassy anymore…but as you say, I would also not be unhinged diabolical drunk Sassy anymore either (he appreciates this A LOT now)
how would we relate now that I was sober?
could he still drink if I didn’t? how would that feel for both of us
And so many other feelings and questions to work thru together. On a whole, it took him quite some time and a good deal of reading and discussion to understand what was happening with me, especially in early days and how it would affect him and our marriage. He didn’t really know how to be supportive and we baby stepped thru that together.
There are lots of older threads on this topic and I compiled some that you may find of interest. I should go thru and see how relevant they still are…maybe I will another day.
I will say for myself and for my husband (who still drinks), it took time for both of us, a lot of discussion and a lot of me spending time by myself in the early days of my sobriety.
It was a big adjustment for us both and worrisome for us both as well.
Here is the thread with more links…hope it helps a little. You are not alone in this, there are a few of us with still drinking spouses. It is a process for sure.
Thank you @SassyRocks! This is helpful. I also get, this is early in our development of this new relationship. This year is our 20 year mark and I know we have weathered worse. I am hearing the message strong to give it time♥️
Do I have the right password to enter your pillow fort?
It’s a difficult shift not only for you, but for him. Things are hypersensitive right now, new you no more drinking, fears of stepping on egg shells triggers and general overall I dont know how to handle this.
You have to think, it’s a change, as humans we love consistency and habitual patterns. This changes things up. You have made a choice to quit drinking and change your lifestyle, it’s a completely different you in many ways, but you also have to look at him. Is he feeling insecure about his own drinking habits? Is he fearful you may start to come down on him about his drinking and push him to quit? Maybe he’s afraid you might end the marriage because you dont want to have a drinker and a non drinker together.
I presume you been married quite a while and accepting such a lifestyle change can be tough. It’s a serious adjustment, and I’m betting any money you were not super pleasant to deal with during the first week. Hell I wanted to kick my own ass during my first week.
Plus, in his head, he’s probably wondering how he can make social time with you being a non drinker, I struggled with that as well.
Pillow forts are nice for sure! Yes, to all the things you said. I think I need to give it time and keep the lines open. And for the record mister this time around I was sweet at peach pie the first week. The other time shall not be talked about🤣
This time it just feels right…before was a struggle because I felt bad about myself… this time it was like a light switch and I just feel good. I never felt like this the last time I quit (made it one month). I havent looked back, last time I was waiting with the wine bottle opener in my hand the whole month.
Welcome Maggie thank you for joining us. As everyone has said, you need to work on you… But your partner needs to realize people and things change. (That can be hard for most because a lot of people view sobriety as the person getting sober as a “fun sponge” etc, it is selfish for them to react that way but some do) At some point you need to work together or give each other space to grow. Alone time to explore hobbies and work on you. Hang in there, things really do get better. I am glad you’re here and I want to wish you continued luck on your journey. You CAN and you WILL!
