Being hit by lots of feelings today and sitting with them even though I want them gone and numb. Everything my partner said last night was true and I feel so bad about myself. Some things said were hard to hear and I feel tremendous shame. Sometimes I didn’t even realize how bad I was because I was trying to escape me and I have such low self esteem. I need to learn to love me before I can possibly even fathom loving someone else. Anyhow I have 5 counseling sessions coming up and I’m looking forward to that. I’ve had lots of counseling especially after my marriage broke and I wanted out from this life. I’m being honest more than ever even though Im ashamed I’m alcoholic. My father was and in the worst way and I’ve never wanted to be like that but here I am. So feeling sorry for myself and I guess I’ll just feel it for now until it passes. There’s nothing I can do to change the past and there is only this very moment happening so I’ve got to move on and make this count. I’m not going to drink today, I don’t want to but I’m feeling alone and want to be alone because I don’t feel like I deserve a good life. I practice gratitude everyday, I tell myself I’m lovable, I deserve love etc so I can retrain my brain until I actually believe it. Heavy sigh…
You’re feeling guilty. Every one of us here has felt that too - you are not alone.
That’s the thing - you’ve got it. We only ever have today, this moment, this choice, right now. We can’t control the past - we can’t even control five minutes ago - and we can’t control the future (because let’s be honest, no human can predict what’s going to happen even 5 seconds from now).
The only thing we ever have is this day, today; this moment in time.
You’ve got it. You’re right: you’re not going to drink today.
Swing and a miss it’s ok, we all have that inner thought sequence at times especially early on, and it’s good to get it out for some fresh air.
You don’t want to be alone. You should at this time come hang out here on TS or even check out some meetings online :Online meeting resources and if you search “24 hr AA” online you’ll probably find a bunch of meetings.
Your mind tries to trick you in early recovery. It lies to you. Weirdly, when you are pushing away and squirming and wanting to run is exactly when you should go find people and talk it out and listen. (Whatever you are thinking, what you actually need might be the opposite. )
Hang out here and don’t give up. You are a good person and you are rediscovering yourself and you will do it. Do not give up. I know you’re hurting and you’re ashamed. That’s ok. You’re still human. We all are. Hang out here - stick around - we’re all in this together.
You definitely aren’t alone in the shame and self loathing department. It comes with addiction. Im working on building my self esteem and self love. It just takes time. Setting up therapy sessions is a great step!
Feeling guilt but not getting consumed by it is healthier than continuing to live in denial…
Thank you, me reaching out and allowing myself to be supported is a big thing for me. I’m grateful to be heard and there’s no judgement, just that sense I’m not alone I’m this and others know exactly how I’m feeling
I have dealt with guilt and shame for years and it has completely dictated my life and sobriety. I don’t have a hard time meeting new people but it is almost impossible for me to maintain those friendships. I pull away from anyone who seems like they care about me and if they persist then I actively push them away. I suffer from terrible nightmares where people from my past will forgive me and be part of my life again. Even in my dreams I feel guilty. When I wake up and I’m all alone it hurts but it feels like it’s what I deserve. When I don’t drink these dreams persist nearly every night and during the day when I’m sober and my brain is not addled from the alcohol I relive moments of great shame even as I’m entrenched in work. I never want to let anyone down again and I don’t want to be hurt again. Sometimes going home alone and drinking is so comforting that I doubt anyone who is isn’t an alcoholic would ever understand. As you can see you are not alone in how you feel. I hope you find some true comfort, not the momentary respite at the bottom of a bottle.
I can so relate, I put myself into self imposed exile because I feel like I deserve a sad lonely life which I know isn’t true. However drunk me has not made good friends or choices, actually was told that I don’t have any friends and it feels like I don’t but I also don’t try anymore because of being told how shit I am because of the alcohol. Looking forward to feeling better about myself one day. I didn’t drink today so yay me and I sat through the uncomfortable unpleasant feelings and they too shall pass and things will be ok again
Yes I’m working on self love as well. Changing my mindset and saying out loud every day what I’m grateful for. Trusting in the universe and the plan for me.