I’m definitely going to look into new pastimes. I’m thinking of going to the gym again. To get strong physically so that I get stronger mentally.
Photography also sounds interesting. Really not my thing, but it will get me outside.
Thanks for your kind words 
You are already tall and if you bulk up and take care of yourself all those Euro hunnies will be asking you out! 
I can understand just releasing emotions outward is helpful "fuck this, argh! " etc, but I worry about you directing it at yourself. I believe selftalk is very important and can affect self esteem a lot.
Hey sweetie, how’s it going?
Hey my name’s Anthony. It’s like you took some of my thoughts put me on blast on the Internet lol, especially the Gerberish parts for real sometimes I just straight up talk to myself especially driving home like full on conversations so it seems at times agreeing, disagreeing, recognizing random shit in my thoughts I don’t know. Took some balls to throw it out there like that good on you. I hope you are well friend, you’re not retarded, a loser none of those negative things. You got a new friend here who loves you and cares. Stay up man easy does it nothing good comes easy so they say 
Hey guys, sorry for disappearing. Giving these thoughts a platform send me downhill hard. My suicidal thoughts returned. The self-sabotage grew significantly. I’m really close to rock-bottom it feels. I’m failing school. Doing everything I can to repress. That’s all I ever do. I don’t give myself room to feel. And I get better and better at repressing. I thought I was doing really good for a long time. But now l think that feeling good was also a form of repression. Looking back at it, it didn’t feel honest. And that scares me. I’m obsessed with reflection and improving myself, but still I was able to be in denial for months. How did I not recognise the signals?
I’m often tired.
I’m not able to do my job properly because of stress that I’m for a big part causing myself.
I’m failing school.
I’m neglecting myself.
I was low-key neglecting my dog.
I oversleep every single day because I usually go to sleep around 3 am because I’m watching YouTube or Netflix. But also because I’m doing homework. Or because I’m reading a book. Or because I’m making crosswords. It’s all repression. And when I’m unable to do so for a minute it’s a horrendous experience. I don’t know if I’ve ever even made any progress or if it was just a front to help with repressing. I cannot trust myself. I’ve lied to myself too much. There’s never a second of piece in my head if I don’t neglect. There’s a war between striving perfection and allowing myself to take it easy. There’s a war between liberal thinking and conservative thinking (this is not an invite for political bs, just explaining what I’m experiencing). There’s a war between putting others before me and putting myself first. There’s a war between accepting my addiction and abstinence. Countless voices constantly fighting and I don’t know which one speaks the truth.
There’s a deep dislike for my inability to care for myself like an adult. There’s loneliness for I only have one true friend. I want a girlfriend, not because of intercourse, but because I want to have a special someone. I want to experience love. A warmth that no friend or family member can give. But I’m afraid I never will. I’m an unhygienic, terribly postured, addicted, autistic, emotionally unstable guy who plays with Lego’s.
I’m disgusted with my fetishes. I’m kinda conflicted about my sexuality.
I’m lazy. I know what I have to do to feel better, but I neglect really putting in work. I’m a loser.
So much pain. So much chaos.
I want peace, or bliss really. And only repression/addiction grants me that. I’m fucking up my life. Solution, up my repressing game.
My original post caused all this. It sucks. It hurts. It makes me feel like shit. It makes me deeply dislike myself.
And I think I’m actually feeling kinda grateful for it (think because I don’t really feel all that much). Without giving my issues that voice, I probably would’ve been in denial a lot longer. I’d be hating myself whilst forcing myself to be happy.
All in all, I’m sometimes feeling like shit… Because I repress the rest of the time… Some days seem good because my repressing game is strong. And very rarely days seem good because there’s a feeling of accomplishment.
What can we do to help you, Jan?
I know this all or nothing feeling. There was long time no grey. Now there is some space between fuuuuuuuuckkkkk meeeee and yippppiiiiie. I had to let go of expectations that I put in myself, that I think society puts on myself.
I would really like to help you send this fucking voice out of the door, not to be superhuman Jan but to listen to JanJan who would say his boss, listen school is my highest priority, then my dog and then I work here. I know you will finally get to a healthy way to handle things. I know this. We have to let go of wanting to hurt ourselves. To punish us. For what? Maybe I am also writing this to myself here. I heard as a reminder that life is circular and we think it’s all inear. For me it’s also a constant fight between self-caring Franzi and dismissive Franzi: look at you, you have nothing. Look at everyone around you. It’s a slippery slope. Really. And it’s easy to take this route.
I am glad you posted here and let us know you are here. Big hugs 
Edit: of course I have no idea what your priorities are in life.
You are not a loser… you are just living your life and hit by obstacles and hurdles. You are very smart. You were able to list everything you feel like you are failing at and screwing up on. If you had just lost your drinking or drug or smoking sobriety I would say to you to get back to your basics of your sobriety. You know what to do to that.
I agree so much with what Franzie has written.
I would like you to write a version of how you can be the Fuuuucking winner… or a better version of you one step at a time. Not to be perfect but to rise up and above these things that are dragging you down and making you feel crummy.
For you it might be curtailing the you tube and that might help you go to sleep earlier… and do better in school and also your job. I know you are proud of yourself when you accomplish what you want. Please do not be too disheartened when you do not.
Do though keep in mind if “losing your sobriety” makes you have a harder time, that you do need to get back to your basics.
I hate that you have suicidal thoughts. You have SO much to live for and you will most likely end up with that happy life that you want.
Please do not feel like you have to do an A plus job in everything.
Be realistic in what you can accomplish w dedicated and reasonable effort.
Except for you saying you have suicidal thoughts I would suggest talking to a Dr about getting on an antidepressant. Have you been on one before?
Your age is a difficult age… ( as all ages are), at your age you are an adult and oftentimes will have many adult responsibilities, wants and desires, but you are also still just becoming an adult.
Big hugs to you, support for you as you go through your days. I hope that the days will get easier and that you will start feeling better.
I’m sorry you are feeling like this Do you talk to a therapist or counselor? These seem like big problems that require a professional. All I will say is you are still so young, and yet have such awareness and HAVE made progress. And my only advice would be to put the biggest fire out first. What is causing you the most pain? Work on that. And Lego is cool, man.
Hey dont be so hard on yourself this is called be human okay 
I hope your feeling a bit better and im glad you know you can come here and just get it all out.
You seem to have alot of thoughts that are all there at the same time and speaking with a dr or a counceller may help?
I can also just mention to you that lack of sleep causes all sorts of emoticons and feelings to hit me hard sleep is the key to alot of things (i suffer with insomnia it comes in waves so say this from experience) not enough sleep and food makes everything else feel worse.
Be kind to yourself, your an amazing young man keep reaching out we are always here for you
How are you doing today?
Hi Jan,
I don’t think words can truly explain how much your presence is so valuable on TS. We all love you man. If you think that your life and your experience don’t matter. Well, they matter a whole lot to us. Thank you for being so honest and vulnerable. So willing to change and work so hard on yourself. Really such an inspiration. Even as young as you are, I really look up to you.
If you don’t think you matter anywhere else. You matter here. That’s a lot. I’m glad to see you coming back around.
wanna just uber-agree with Kevin’s post here, word for word.
Ditto @Crazy_Dutchie ! I hurt when you’re hurting and wish I had magic words to help. I will say I know the depths of depression with lack of any self care even hygiene. It’s not exactly your experience but it is similar. I would be disgusted and ashamed of myself and it was a bad spiral down.
Keep coming back. Look for local help if you can, maybe rehab again. You’re loved here 
Hey Jan @Crazy_Dutchie i see u havent posted in a couple days. Hope u come back and check in. Let us know how we can help 
I feel like you get lost in your own mind and should just focus more on the results that you are capable of. You can control your own reality more than you realize.
Man U so need to chill and stop beating yourself up u know were not perfect and your answering your own questions truth be told love you and just relax and have a good day all the pressure and stress won’t change nothing so don’t overthink as we so fabulously do and plz try this don’t say or think at take in anything for one week and I mean test yourself and do it and see what and how you feel at the end of the week just try it I dare cause I know you can pull it off 
Hey Jan, just wanted to check and see how you are doing. We all love you and have been pretty concerned lately; praying you’re feeling better. 
Yap and Life is a bitch too (from time to time)
Very glad to read you here, I just worried last days where you are, as I didn’t read your posts in daily checkin.
Its all not that easy…
And it’s all a process…
Not a final goal that we reach one day…
It’s a process and baby steps of changing and developing.
I was very much into challenges and goals and just heard a podcast last week, where 2 girls being affected with eating disorders recommended to take more care about balance.
Maybe you can try to c the things you want to change as an act of selflove and take care of yourself as you would do it for a good friend or a guest in your life. And not like pushing your self always to the limit and tick things off the to-do list.
Life is in the present moment. And sometimes the present moment feels like shit.
Glad that you are here and happy to read about your further way
Hey there, just checking on you. Hope you’re feeling better today 
Ditto to all of the above Jan. I appreciate your honesty and your presence on here more than you could ever know. Keep fighting. We’re here.