I feel myself in a tough spot. Currently I nearing my 1 year of sick leave. I applied for a job, but they turned me down the day before yesterday. I’m quit relieved on the one hand, since it was a consultancy role and basically that’s what I don’t want anymore. That was also the reason they turned me down, they didn’t see me as one. Next to that I’m tired of a role between business and IT. After one year a re-integration program will start. Just going for that I think and see what it brings. Also my mind is crossing the thought if I will ever be able to work, my trauma still runs trough me, recovering from addiction, thyroid issues make it a lot to cope with. My brain makes over hours overthinking things, which makes me powerless in doing things. I know these feelings from the past, of course that brought me to the bottom of the bottle and leaving scorched earth behind. I feel not safe in my own house/skin at the moment.
I feel exhausted, done with surviving, I just want a normal simple life. I’m isolating myself and every social event feels heavy. Reached out to some fellows and might go for a walk this afternoon, but already preparing to decline because I’m no fun to be around with.
I have the dangerous feeling that I’m a burden at the moment. Feeling connection is hard for me now, I feel not seen and heard and have the feeling I don’t belong. Everybody seems to be moving on with their life’s while I’m stuck in a vicious circle. Acceptance might be the answer but I’m full of resistance. Drinking will not make things better, next to other thoughts I have. Venting those thoughts helps me prevent putting things in action. I’m feeling stuck in self obsession and self-pitty I can not find a way out at the moment. HALT is still totally in the red zone. My addiction is lurking to get in. I’m lost and don’t know how to get out of it………
That’s heavy stuff, I’m glad you’re able to share what you have going on. I wish I had some solid advice… what I can say is go for that walk, getting out will be a good thing. I hope you find some relief
The only way to break isolation is to force yourself out of the house. I was there, struggling with being in the present moment, always future tripping. Getting out of the house and around other people consistently kept me sober. Hang in there. I relate to all you’ve shared.
Can you get out for a walk on your own? Being out in nature or even just whatever is nearby can help get your body moving and maybe do some walking meditation or help get out of your head for a moment. I hope that the transition program helps you make some progress in a way that works with your mental health and not against it. Glad you come here consistently to share and vent - that is healthy and hope it helps.
Thanks for this viewpoint, it really helps putting my current situation into perspective. Patience is however not a trademark of this addict . I have an employability screening planned in June. But don’t know how extensive that is. But I’ll see that as a kick off. My feeling tells me I need something to do with people and not behind a computer. Hopefully I can indeed make a transition that suites me.
I know this feeling so well. I’m holding on to inaction, holding on to stasis, because that feels more familiar (and safer) than action. It’s a hard space to be in.
What do you want? Like if you could wave a magic wand and set things exactly as you want them to be, what would it be?
I just want my head to stop spinning en stop sending my images and thoughts on my period in active addiction. I’m reliving those things, I had trauma therapy for some parts but it is just way to much. The insanity of it is striking, how the addiction distanced me from myself as well, especially to parts it turned me into a monster to people close.
I want rest and peace of mind and that it is okay now. I wanna flourish not perish. I want to get of the couch and be me. Currently all pieces are moving and I feel powerless/overwhelmed. I want some self-direction in my life.
When the ship of chaos (addiction) has been life for 30 years, then you get off the ship and back on dry (stable) land, it is dizzy and disorienting. The longer you’ve been at sea the longer it’s disorienting (just like when you get off a real ship and back onto dry land). That’s how I think of it at least.
You’ve also just wrapped up your step 3 (you shared about that here All my life looking for confirmation / vent) and you are about to start step 4. I also am about to start step 4. It scares me, and I find myself wanting to retreat, to avoid, to escape. I am having to do a lot of sobriety work (calling twelve-step contacts to check in, texting / speaking with my sponsor, etc). Step 4 is big and intimidating, especially if you’ve been through what you’ve been through. I would not be at all surprised if this is a factor in how you’re feeling now (that’s my guess anyway, about one factor that may be contributing). As you work through the steps you are unearthing and disarming mines in the minefield of your addiction history. It is threatening work full of lots of buried secrets.
Thanks for your insights and attentiveness. Unconsciously that can well be the case. I have only one session left with my sponsor about step 3, and then…….number 4. I dry read step 4 already in the workbook and I’m aware of it’s reputation. This might have set in motion what I’m currently experiencing, which is closely linked to fear.
Feel myself still in a dark place. I feel paralyzed, what I didn’t mention before is that I experienced a conversion again related to trauma. It totally paralyses me. Wanted to go to the gym today but procrastinated again, afraid that it comes up when I don’t want it. While sport would be very beneficial I expect. It is all fear at the moment, especially fear of the future and start working on step 4, although my sponsor tells me it will be fine. Did nothing today, my halt is now of for weeks, making it hard to stay sober and stay out the fuck it mode. Experiencing cravings and feeling lonely in this process. Take my meetings and call sometimes fellows but I keep feeling like I’m a burden. A burden to my parents, my sponsor, my fellows, all you etc. basically everybody. I really don’t want to continue like this…….I had a lot of relapses and treatments, but since I started the steps I feel in recovery but it’s hard, maybe going down like in treatments is also normal now. But I don’t see the way up……yet I hope.
Might call my parents again to come over, but I know I will feel like a four year old while doing so and feel the pain and hurt for the things I missed. It was just a fucked up life.
Positive is that my son is doing good in his exams so far . I miss him, but he is getting his own life at the age of sixteen. So feel proud of that, an own life I realize is something I never had.