I normally am around drinking all the time with my friends, and no problem whatsoever with temptation. I’ve been to see some music (very small shoes) and had a great time. That’s usually when I’m happiest… but tonight was the first time I felt out of place and awkward not drinking. I went to this outdoor musical event and i felt so out of place and had anxiety that I was going to run into my ex or his friends and I couldn’t relax or enjoy myself and it didn’t help that the music wasn’t that good so I wasn’t distracted.
Then I went to karaoke with some friends to hear them sing, and I had fun there for a split second but like not really. I had to try really hard and it’s so unlike me. I miss my ex and I’m lonely and my friend said I need to find a new place before her family comes to visit and the place I had found just fell through again. This is like the 4th time. I’m at my peak of stress and just sad that I have to go through this. It’s the strangest feeling not wanting to drink but also wanting to do it because i know it’s fucked up and the wrong thing to do. It’s like I crave deviant behavior when I feel like this for some release. It could be anything. I just wanna fuck up because things are already so fucked up as it is no matter any good I do. Shit just keeps getting worse. I’m at my wits end and I’m sad.
I feel like we drink for similar reasons. I remember the first time i drank because of something negative rather than because i was out partying. My brother had just been commited to a mental hospital and when i found out i was sad but my overwhelming feeling was “well everything is fucked. May as well toss myself on the bonfire”. I did a litre of cheap whisky in a few hours.
That was 15 years ago. In the time between then and now one of the big things ive learned is that being drunk followed by being hyper anxiously hungover is a guaranteed way to make fucked up situations 100 times more fucked up and 1000 times more difficult to deal with. There is nothing i havent made worse by getting blackout drunk for it.
Personally I would change your social settings. I think that if you started doing sober things with sober people, your life will change. Which, ultimately, is where you want to be. Even though you say your ok with not drinking, what about subconsciously.
Do you think that maybe, deep down you are suffering and don’t even realise it, but it’s affecting everyday life.
Just a thought!
I mean I go to meetings and am starting to hang out with people. But I’m new to this city so everything is new, both people and places. I will never give up live music because that is my sanity. I honestly think a big part of it was that I wasn’t into the music. And I’ve thought about it a lot and though I do wish I was someone who never let their life become unmanageable with alcohol but it also made me really sick especially at the end so I don’t crave drinking. I like feeling healthy. I just think about doing it because it’s like the lesser of two evils instead of hurting myself. It doesn’t really make sense because it’s a twisted nonsensical thought. I almost crave not giving a shit about my life because when I try and care like I’ve been doing, it hurts so much more when things go wrong. Like when I was drinking it gave me a reason to feel like shit and know why my life wasn’t the best but now it’s just like fuckkk.
I hear you. The only thing that keeps me away from live music is the cost generally. I won’t pay mega amounts for big bands, so I don’t get to go to many.
Been to 2 since getting sober. First one I did think about the drinking aspect, but then I saw all the drunks and realised that that was what I was like before.
And, you are allowed to be happy. Honestly. Turn this around, because you are worth it.
This is so relateable. If things are going bad for me, the wanting to get fucked up is a way of taking back control. So I can say at least I’m making myself feel bad. Does that make sense? I’m only just beginning to realise this and its making such a difference to how I react to negative emotions. Be kind to yourself. You may need to change what you do socially for a time, but it will get better.
I know what you are saying. The thing to realise here is your not in control!
Believe me, it takes a while but things do get to a point where life is better without using. Honest!
What you’re saying makes complete sense… I realize I have a negative way of coping with emotions so I’m trying to work on it. I’ve been working out, doing yoga, and TRYING to meditate… but those feelings are still there. So much of my world is so out of my control right now I just feel overwhelmed and it seems so unfair when I’m trying so hard to make my life better. I’m really hoping things work out soon.