Ugh I feel so stupid. I know I have an issue. Was sober for 40hrs. Felt strong. Felt in control. And then didn’t. I know I can’t just have 1 drink. And I gave in anyway. I don’t know what happened but tomorrow I go back to day 1. Why am I like this. I’m so disappointed. I obviously enjoy drinking but I have identified the fact that I can’t stop after one and have been drinking approx 8 cans of rum a day for at least year 
. Any advice or wise words are welcome.
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Hey there and welcome. First, I love that the word “freedom” is in your username. Take that to heart - you have a strong desire in you to break free from this disease, and you CAN do it. The first week is the hardest, the second week is still hard, but it does get easier with time. You have to tell yourself when that drunk monkey is jumping around on your shoulder telling you that you need a drink, that although you might WANT one you do not NEED one. I think one of the things that got me through it is truly recognizing that alcoholism is an elective DISEASE… in that we elect/allow ourselves to voluntarily disease ourselves. There are so many people out there suffering from involuntary disease… a disease they didn’t ask for or want that are fighting for their lives everyday praying for nothing but good health over. So why do we willingly abuse our bodies and elect to give ourselves a voluntary disease? The disease of alcoholism and addiction is caused by a chemical dependence and imbalance. So one of the strongest things you can do to beat it is understand that it’s all in the mind… you tell yourself when you are getting those strong urges, “This is my body having a chemical reaction to the dependence of alcohol… this is the withdrawal… this is not permanent… this will not last forever.” I found after the first couple of weeks it started to get easier, and after the first month I started to really feel the urge fade when I was around triggers. I am on day 52 now going strong. My life has changed so much for the better in those 52 days. I have a sense of clarity and finding myself again. They say it really take about 3-6 months to get your body back to a good chemical balance. I did have a few triggers around day 30 this time that made me think, “Oh I’ve gone this long - it’s fine,” but then I quickly reminded myself how awful the withdrawal of it is… how I feel like I fought a major battle to get out of those first couple of weeks to get past the addiction “pull” weighing on me… you know that feeling… when you break a sweat and your heart kind of races because that urge to drink is there and strong. I am here to tell you my testimony to let you know that you can break through that feeling… and experience the true “freedom” you are searching for. YOU CAN DO IT. There are so many of us here that were in your shoes and some that are in the same position you are right now. Come back to the forums as often as you need for community to talk and maintain focus. It really does help. Even if you don’t talk much but just read what others experiences are. You are taking a huge step just for posting this, so celebrate that first victory! Celebrate the victory that you have made the decision that you WANT to break free.
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It seems like you’re realizing the severe nature of your drinking problem. Like you, I could not stay sober on my own. What worked for me, in the first month, was Antabuse (I’m not sure where in the world you are, the chemical name of the drug is disulfiram) and individual counseling, also support from my doctor. After one month I had to stop taking Antabuse and I went back to AA and did what they told me to do. Don’t forget that much of AA is available on line now, if it isn’t live in your area.
I did those things I had to do in order to get into bed sober each night. There is enough help in the universe for you to do the same. Blessings on your house 
as you begin your sobriety.
Some threads for you to peruse:
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Don’t think of it as starting over. Recovery isn’t a straight line upward get to a meeting and go to one every day regardless if you drank or didn’t drink just show up (zoom also offers meetings around the clock) and get connected this was crucial for me to stay connected and I will have two years in December I never had more then 4 months in the last almost 10 years. It works!
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This has been a stumbling block for me.
For all of my many years in recovery, the thought that I actually enjoyed my DOC always kept me from enjoying my recovery and my life. Even though I saw some good things come from not using, there was always this nasty feeling that I’m missing out for the rest of my life. So I craved a lot. And I’ve relapsed a lot too.
But the truth is that I really didn’t enjoy my DOC. My mind was simply brainwashed; falling for the illusion that my DOC was the best thing in the world. When, in reality, it was simply medicating the pangs of craving in between sessions.
Anyways, welcome. And thank you for the honest share. I believe that if you keep searching for truth, reach out for help, and not give up, you’ll find a way to escape this trap.
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