Long story short, my wife is ready to go and doesn’t think she can come back from how I’ve been for 2 years. I’ve drank almost every night for years. It helps me shut out my emotions, ignore problems and not care how I make someone feel. In turn that has made her resentful that I never cared. I never showed up for her. I’m sick that I allowed myself to become this person. She doesn’t understand the affect alcohol has and things it’s something for me to blame. How do I prove to her I’m still the man she married and can still be that for her, even though she thinks it’s too late?
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Check yourself into a treatment facility and don’t drink.
I heard this exact story at my AA meeting yesterday. The guy has been in a treatment center and has 15 days sober. His wife gave him lots of chances.
Stop thinking like this. It doesn’t matter what she thinks! You’ve given yourself an excuse to drink right there. “She doesn’t understand.” We call that stinking thinking.
Have a good read around here. Learn what you can. Only you can save your marriage. Actions over time.
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She has said she wants actions, not words. I fully understand that. She told me this morning she has never seen me this determined and does have hope I can change. But she doesn’t know if she can heal and grow here anymore. It hurts so bad. I want to drink my feelings away so bad but I didn’t. I can’t show her over time if she won’t give me that chance, but I don’t really deserve the chance. It really sucks.
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It’s said it takes longer for a close family tie to heal from a loved one’s drinking than for the drinker to stop…too many past disappointments !!
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This is definitely a situation where actions will
Speak louder than words. Every single one of us addicts has hurt and disappointed ones around us whether it’s spouses, children , parents, friends or all the above . The only way to make it up to them is to get sober and stay sober. Unfortunately as far as her saying she is not sure if she can continue even if you can change is beyond your control. You can only work on you and have faith that things will work out for the best in the long run. The one guarantee in all this though is that if you keep Drinking things will 100% get worse. Wishing you well .
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Are you quitting for you or for her? If it is too late are you gonna drown your sorrows, or are you gonna decide alcohol has taken enough from you? Go to meeting, read sobriety literature, listen to sobriety podcasts, engage here daily. Getting sober isn’t easy but staying in active addiction is a hell of a lot harder. Put a sober head on your pillow tonight. Best wishes.
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There’s a program for her if she is willing.
Al-Anon.org
After I got sober I went to Al-Anon because of my wife’s drinking. It’s a beautiful program.
Determination alone never got me sober.
I had to build a support army.
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Take action. Go to a meeting, don’t pick up, and start recovering
there are virtual meetings too if you can’t find a local one, either way get to a meeting and ask for someone to help you stay stopped. We call this sponsorship.
You have all the answers you need in this thread, it’s up to you to take action now. I hope you do my friend, you are always welcome here. Please stay connected.
That’s my 2 cents, anyway.
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I’m quitting for both. I know I need to for me but also the way it’s affected the way I treat her. I can’t believe I’ve let myself treat the woman that has given me everything this way. I want to show her I’m still the man she fell for and I truly hope she gives me the chance
How are you doing friend?
8 days sober and feeling better every day. My wife and I went out last night. We a good time, we aren’t saying anything official yet but it really seemed to help so I’m hopeful. For the first time, I went out and DIDNT DRINK.
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thanks for the update, and congrats on the 7 days!
great job @Ilovemywife2025
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stay sober.
i was the one who ended my marriage because my alcoholic ex never saw a problem in his bullshit drunk personality. and never put any work into getting sober because there was no problem besides my attitude and resentments.
you love your wife. you wanna keep your marriage. then stay fucking sober and put in the work needed. it pays off. i wish my ex would have realized that some day.
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I am putting in the work. But the man I became the last 2 years has ruined her and she doesn’t know if she can heal from me not caring. Not showing up. Not making an effort. That man will never see the light of day again, but I’m terrified it’s too late. It shouldn’t have taken this long. She doesn’t believe alcohol has played a huge part in it but it truly has
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that’s called the alcohol personality and that’s why sober people don’t talk to the bottle. it’s senseless to talk to drunk people.
stop worrying and put this energy into active recovery instead. worried? meeting. worried? listen to a sobriety podcast. worried? hug your wife, just because. don’t talk, think, worry, live recovery every minute of the day doing the next right thing. that can be resting, taking out the trash, fighting cravings using new tools, everything that keeps you sober and accountable. your wife will see the results, give you both time to heal.
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I really appreciate the feedback. It’s just so hard to stay positive. I wake up every day fighting for my marriage and fighting to stay sober and right now, I can say I’m for sure winning at least one of those battles.
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Just a word of warning about the going out…you didnt drink this time which is great but i definitely warn against being around drinking while in such early recovery….to quote a very respected member here…if you hang out in the barbershop eventually youl get a haircut, plus why make something that’s already difficult harder by being around it?
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me personally does not agree with all the “fight” mindset.
from my experience, it is more sustainable and enduring to work on being kind to myself, respecting my boundaries and work really hard and consistent to let go of unhealthy patterns, mindsets and habits. This IS beasty hard work, uncomfortable, needs tenacity and time. but it is very rewarding because every babystep counts.
sleep hygiene ok today? check! great!
drank water instead of alcohol? check! great!
listened to my need for rest? check! great!
stopped my pattern to get snappy because I’m hungry and forgot to eat? yep! practiced HALT successfully, got in touch with my needs, acted accordingly and took care of myself.
keep breathing, one step after another 
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One of the coolest things about AA is the part in the book that says “and we have ceased fighting anything or anyone - even alcohol.” I called bullshit on that because even though I was highly motivated and dedicated to sobriety, I was still waking up fighting, fighting, fighting every day. Until one day, I wasn’t, incredibly. I began to feel safe in my sobriety. I very much need and appreciate the program of recovery through AA, it got me to that “position of neutrality” toward booze. It brought peace into my mind and contentment to my soul.
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Wife or no wife, the reality will be? You will still be you and the struggle will still be there. AA helped me find a new way to live, maybe it could help you too. And for those who love us, there is Al-Anon, a heavenly place, really. A place of healing and understanding for those who walk beside these sick souls. (Why they stick with us, I don’t know whom is more sick) She can get help too, if she chooses. Many of us have found peace in both of those places, too.
AA doesn’t always bring families back together, but I have seen it happen. And? It happened to me. Maybe it can work for you too.
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