Forgetting my why: a tale of a drinking night after 198 days sober

Relapses
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It happened 2 days ago.
Worked in the day. Had a supper planed that night. Same birthday party that last year I drank after my first real attempt at getting sober (50 days).
I was afraid since a couple of weeks about that day already. Why? Because I was starting romancing the Christmas drinking days. So one day I would be thinking about how I could be drinking sometimes in my life, and other days I would be struggling trying to remember why exactly I couldn’t.
2 days ago I was in the romanced-idea-mood about drinking. Being honest with myself, I knew I had 2 options: 1. Not going at the party, because I was not feeling strong enough to keep my sobriety while going there; 2. Go there, and you will drink.
Before that day there was more options, sober ones - but on that day I knew I had to stay home if I wanted to stay sober.
But that’s not what I did. I went full option #2. I choose to do it, and I wasn’t finding reasons at that moment to not. Or anyways the reasons to drink seemed to be stronger. It felt like a reward for alot of effort.
But what reward?
That was my rewards: Lost control of myself. Had what may have been a good or a bad night, but can’t remember. May have lost a friend which I emotionally harmed without noticing it. Did drug (and lost money). Almost didn’t go to work yesterday due to extreme anxiety and dizziness. Had to drink to go to work: which equal the resurgence of my old alcoholic pattern I wanted to get rid of by getting sober. Haven’t been able to eat normally since. Feel lost since. Self esteem disturbed. My inside-my-head-story had a narrative break, and I’m now not so sure where to pickup (and this is where it can be dangerous to go drink instead of catching up on myself). Today, can’t keep up with my schedule on training, eating clean, writing, finishing my last paper for school, work stuff. Feeling depressed.

I’m now thinking of a new way to see my sobriety. My goal can’t be in days. Must be in life. I must change my whole view on this. I’m not taking a break from drinking to “recalibrate” my brain so I can maybe later be drinking: this belief is my secret weapon for self-sabotage. It has to be a lifestyle and lifetime decision. I’m going to do alot of reflection on this. Need to redefine my why. It has to be stronger. I have to be stronger.

I’m shaken.

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I’ve done this too many times to count. The last time I wrote myself a letter…while I still felt horrible (emotionally and physically). Do that. Keep it on you at all times. That way, whenever you’re feeling good, forgotten this time, and romanticizing alcohol TAKE OUT THE LETTER AND REMEMBER WHAT YOU WERE FEELING.

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Oh that sounds rough. Get right back on that sober horse. Finish your paper. Make that your goal,to get through the day. Go for a walk, maybe buy yourself a small present to feel better. Or buy a christms present for someine else.
What has worked in the past? Exercise? AA meetings? Do you have sober friends to call?
Feel better soon. Let us know how you are feeling this evening or in the morning.

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YES! Accept “Forever” and embrace “Never Again” as if your very life depends on it…because it does. Do this, and in that moment you will be free. I know, deep in my soul that in quitting drinking I haven’t lost anything. I’ve gained everything. You can too. Decide to be better and then be better. Keep getting better at getting better each and every day. You know the way. You’ve had days upon days before. Decide and do it again.

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Little I can add to these posts above except that you helped me a lot writing this. Thank you and I wish you a good life !

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Thanks everyone for your replies. I really appraciate it. You know it can be psychologically hard on this kind of day. My routine is all messed up and I’m fighting to find peace. I’ll take more time to reply later as I’m going to my physiotherapist now and some groceries after.

You guys also remind me it’s important to post and cheer up on people as they struggle in their journey. I used to ditched a lot the relapses post, maybe because I wasn’t feeling helpful enough. But just some little words are very helpful on days like this. Thanks everyone

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The idea of the letter is GREAT!!! I must do it.

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Prayers for you @WCan as I know exactly how you feel, it reminds me of how bad it made me feel, I got a lot of identification from your story so thank you for sharing it. Sounds like my old pattern which went as follows:

STOP, after a week or so think I’m good, the hangover is gone and I feel good, think I can go drink again one day if I want, target that one day in the future, be it a party/wedding/event tell myself “I won’t drink until then” think “I haven’t drank until then, I liked drinking, I can just stop again, past 5 months was easy” then I drank, then shit hit the fan which was rotating at high speed and seriously out of control, went missing, reappeared 5 hours later, then I woke up from the blackout went to the toilet collapsed and seizured, wet myself, seriously tested my relationship with all of the shit I had done and was crazy enough to drink the next day. I had many instances like this, but it was my last and probably one of the most extreme.

The next day I realised I was crazy, alcohol was turning me insane, I needed help and I went to AA on a whim, I didn’t like it at the start, I wasn’t like them, I was normal, I have a professional career, all those big ego asshole thoughts (was I hell normal) but I was desperate and they seemed happy and I wanted what they had.

I’m not pushing AA, thats what helped me find those changes though and I’m just sharing my experience to encourage you to think about what you can do differently and make some changes to your life in order to beat this illness? Anyone who says it’s not an illness is wrong IMO as I bet we have all felt like we were dying both physically and mentally, plus we’re poisoning our organs with alcohol which speeds up our deaths if we continue and even if we stop, we may have already caused damage to our bodies so by drinking you’re making your self ill, even if you appear to be functioning normally to the outside world, and to yourself, as I really fooled myself… BIG TIME.

AA teaches we have a physical allergy coupled with a mental obsession in relation to alcohol and the illness is twofold, both physical and mental.

The physical side is the craving, once we take a drink of alcohol it flicks the switch and our body physically craves more, alcohol abusers/alcoholics have been found to break acetone from alcohol down more slowly and differently to a normal drinker and it results in the craving effect which is a catalyst for the mental obsession with alcohol.

The mental side is pretty obvious from the outside, or so we think, just because we’re not feeding it alcohol, doesn’t mean the problem goes away, and alcohol is like a jet fuel for it, from the outside we haven’t even released the latch on the car bonnet (hood for my American friends) to see what’s underneath, and when you do from a sober point of view you realise that there’s a lot more going on with your mental health and there are ways to help overcome this, in AA program it is achieved through spirituality in my experience, there’s no religious book, just an AA big book and it’s all very agnostic. You are very much encouraged to discover your own path.

I pray you discover the changes you need to make.

Stay strong and stay sober.

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I totally recognize myself in the allergy / obsession in relation to alcohol. For me, I think just the fact that I overthink the drinking possibilities or non-possibility, and the fact that it terrifies me, it’s a proof that it is an obsession. I also feel the “allergy”, not only in the drinking phase (can’t stop, won’t stop, until blackout or something to stop me) but mostly in the hangover part. I seriously feel mentally unstable and disoriented for a couple of days after a night like 2 days ago.

A friend of mine told me “it’s not that bad, you’ve only drink once in over 6 months and thats a big deal”. Honestly I wish I could be optimistic as he is. But the fact that once I grabbed that first drink I went straight back to where I left it half a year ago doesn’t make me proud. I feel like I havent made any progress. The worst part is that because I drank I feel I’m craving today more than I used to in the past months. That is a rough feeling after all those sacrifices I made to get to my 6 months. I guess that wasn’t enough sacrifices. I have to do some reflections on this and make a plan. But today I guess I’m still tired and shamed. I think I’ll stick to my binge movies for now and have a night of rest.

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Thank you. I’m actually looking for ways to change my focus. I need a strong WHY and keep chasing it. I know I did lost it in the past couple of weeks. It was rough. My mood was down. So I started to think that quitting alcool was a big sacrifice for me, and maybe I was trying to control myself too much. It’s hard for me to believe, on the long run, that quitting alcool is gaining. I know it is. But the feeling of me loosing something is pretty damn present. But if I focus on getting better version of myself, I know ditching the booze is the way.

But I know I might have been trying to restrain myself too much on everything. I could’ve let myself lay down on the couch more and eat more crap some time. Overtime work and strict dieting led me to poor motivation in the past month. Combine it with the partys ahead and me declining invitations because of fear, and you got me forgetting my why. Even today I’m not so sure. But I’ll sleep for now.
Thanks for your reply and have a good day.

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Rest is vital in the early days, take it easy and then get to work on the new improved version of you, it is absolutely possible.

Good luck :four_leaf_clover:

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Honestly I can’t thank you enough ! It got me , it slapped me so hard , hell Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked me in the face .
You gave me the perfect line(funny considering my use of lines before). The one @Yoda-Stevie mentioned. Just perfect. I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
Today I stop counting numbers, got one life, one moment,one fight. One.

Screenshot_20181218-120620~2
Screenshot_20181218-120620~2924×394 394 KB

Fight.

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I wrote this during coffee break, wanted to get it out. But would like to elaborate a bit.
I got sober quite a few times, some lasted longer some not, but either way as I kept progressing trough the days every time at one point I got comfortable let my guard down and he got me.

I’ll say he ,cuz in my mind now I visualizey addiction like a swordsman cunningly and perpetually without hesitation for me to give him an opening. He used it every time. Cut me down in a flash. That’s how I relapse. Feeling awesome, walking down the street, confident and at that point he strikes. I don’t even remember it. The worst thing is that I forget. That every time i go down I go down heavy, I take it too far , to the brink of dying. I forget that in my case it is a duel to the death. Last time I literally woke up covered in blood. Luckily I woke up. Maybe if I let myself blink I will not.
I want to be his match. Ever vigilant,ever watchful , ready for his every move. If I cannot cut him at least to keep him in a deadlock.Never to let myself be cut again. To remember the sorrow,pain and misery that got me trough those first five minutes , to keep myself alert and ready.
He will not have me.
Now I go excercise and vocally relese the shout of my soul.

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You’re reminding me of The Princess Bride.
You’re Inigo Montoya and the addiction is The Dread Pirate Roberts.:thinking::smile:

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I wish :slight_smile: !!! Hahahahaahah mannnn kinda had and avalanche of mixed feelings after the clip. Ahahahaha tu mann

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I just re-read my post, and it still reach me too. It is just so true.

I actually like your image of the swordsman. As I’m still struggling to get back on track (I feel like I just lost 3 days of my life, that’s what happens when I drink, I’m out of my own life) I’m looking for a way to visualise all this. I want to be done with it.

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It is still hard to catch up on my stuff. It is so weird, like you said I didn’t lose those 198 days, but I feel like I did. I felt so strong before that last month. But I switched my minding and lost my focus. I see it clearly today as I’m still struggling to just do my things. I’m pretty sure I know what led to this relapse. The weeks before I was looking for ways to “turn off” my control a little. I had a rough semester at school and stress with working on the side, and there was no vacation ahead. Even in Christmas time, I was planning on doing alot of things for school. Now I know that when I’m starting to look for ways to relax or have fun, it’s because I might need to do so. Slowing down on the obligations (that I give to myself), and maybe even going on a little trip or up North skying or whatever. Even if it’s expensive, it’s less then the expense of drinking. Now that I think about it it seems so clear to me that I needed something like that. Drinking is just such a bad way to cope with my misunderstood feelings. And those feelings (kind of vacation-needs) were new to me in those 6 months.

I think I’ll start with this mindset today: If I want to drink, it is the sign that there’s a tension inside of me that I should take care of. If I think about drinking, it’s because I need self-care.
Drinking < Self-care.

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Just a technical question, how did you manage to put that as a display on sober time? I can only go by “since” or “next goal”.

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There should be an edit button on your home screen. The pencil. But it can be finicky.

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Thanks I’m getting in te edit section but can’t find the display he got