When I was younger, I used to have a strong dislike for my stepdad. He was an alcholic and addicted to cocaine and eventually left my mom for a life of homeless addiction. I hated how much and how often he drank. He started out slow, went to work each day but then it became a problem. He stopped going to work. We lost the house. I had to work full time as soon as I graduated high school in order to help with bills. 12 years later, I am the alcoholic and lately, I hate myself for it. I get my daughter safely to school I work my 9 hour shift then go home and as soon as my daughter is sleeping, I get drunk until I fall asleep. I hate it. I wake up feeling like crap. I know I have a problem but today, as I sit here in tears, I am deciding to not stop at the liquor store on the way home. My bank account reflects my addiction. Both the transaction history and the $1 I have left until payday. I haven’t been this broke in years. But this last year I developed a problem and an extra 80 pounds too. I am a typically positive, happy go lucky person but I realize I am miserable and I have been drinking to numb me. For that small buzz and moment that I feel “good” until I don’t feel at all. I want to be happy again. I want to wake up feeling well again. I want my daughter to look at me differently than I looked at my stepdad. I just want to be better.
@ChaCha
I could apply that same logic to myself. Never lost a job. No arrests. (Ok, two ex wives might be a clue.) Person after person who would swear to you how great I am and how I positively influenced their lives to change for the better.
But I still had a problem.
I excused my drinking by saying, "I drink more than I should, but look how great everyone thinks I am. I might have a problem, but I am a functioning problem drinker."
If I was a Functioning Bank Robber, I’d be no less guilty of robbing banks.
I used Functioning as an excuse for my habit.
Just deciding to change is the right first step. It seem so that getting/staying sober is different for everyone, but I and hundreds of people on this forum will do everything we can to help you in this journey.
Best,
Chandler
Sadly we functioning alcoholics think we have it all together … until we don’t. For me it was waking up at 2am and saying the most awful things to myself in my head. I knew I could no longer hate and blame my mother for her alcoholism when I was no different. Since the alcohol basically killed her I knew right then and there that I needed to get better before I killed myself too.
You aren’t alone. And you are not a “bad” person. You are here and you want to be healthy. We can help and you can do it!!
So true! I would justify my consumption by telling myself. I make 5x more than my alcoholic father does. I’m educated. I only drink half as much as him. I’m not even really an alcoholic. I just abuse alcohol. Shame, shame on me not to see the trees because of the forest.