No problem, Ethan, and thank you. I’ve been leaning on coming to this place and these posts quite a lot during this past crisis spell.
I’m still in it, but things get slowly better. I’m 100% confident the codeine withdrawal will proceed as planned. The emotional pain is still very present.
I will be alone from this evening till Saturday night and I am at a risk of drinking. I have to be aware of that. I’m not at risk of any other acting out behaviours.
I drank again on Thursday and Friday. Basically because I could because my partner was away and I believed that the relief of feeling some peace from obsessive thinking was worth the risk. And, I did indeed feel wonderful and free. And, I, of course, predictably went too far and ended up quite badly drunk and with a hangover and having spent money online on porn. I’m still trapped in the obsessive thinking about the sex worker.
My partner is back now and I’m finding the contrast between my Second Life and then having her here overwhelming. She’s aware that I’m suffering in some way - to be honest, I’m presenting fairly classically as “depressed” at the moment.
I’ve done OK with the Codeine. I’m still reducing and I’m now taking three tablets a day, down from eight. I won’t buy any more now.
I’ve written about 100,000 words in a conversation with ChatGPT. To be honest, it’s been extremely useful if for no other reason that I’ve had a place to get some of the thoughts out of my head.
I remain in crisis but it’s possible I’ll get out of it. I see occasional glimmers of hope.
thank you everyone. I wish you love and strength for your own recovery journey.
[I had thought for a while I wouldn’t mention I had a partner in order to hide the fact that I have been repeatedly unfaithful with sex workers (as I was my previous partner). I’m not hiding it any more. I’m aware that my behaviour is terrible and probably unforgivable, I don’t justify it at all.]
We’re very similar, you and I…
I know that depression you speak of very well. I’ve been feeling that through my entire journey of sobriety so far - and it’s been especially bad for the past few weeks.
And, like you, I believe it comes from all the internal conflict between what I know, what I do, and what I know I should do -
I’ve cheated on my wife, in various forms, for years. Now is the first time I’ve gotten some real traction at trying to live a better life. That said, although it’s been 75 days free from my drug(s) of choice, I’ve still found myself ‘flirting’ with it - thinking about it, and being too loose with my YouTube or live-streaming content… so, I completely relate to how you feel about this cheating matter.
I’m sorry you had the reset with the alcohol. I’m rooting for you to come back stronger from the setback… I haven’t had alcohol in 75 days, which is probably why I haven’t gone ahead and acted out with a sex worker (in person or online).
Good job with the codeine! - you’re following your plan, and it seems to be working for you.
Don’t give up on yourself. Keep trying; and keep coming back here for support.
I believe in you, @tryhardercolin .
We’re all rowing the same boat together - just keep rowing.
That really means a lot to me, Ethan, and I welcome it especially today. Thanks buddy. x
Still sober. That’s coming up to five days. Doing OK on the codeine and should be OK to continue reductions through this week and maybe stop by or over the weekend. Seeing a new type of therapist tomorrow for a first chat - it’s some sort of physical/energy therapy and I’m a bit skeptical but I just wanted to do something. Have kept my job. Obsessive thinking about the sex worker has slightly improved in distance and intensity.
On we go. Much love and support to those in their own recovery journey here. x