Hello Community 
I am very new here, and am very new to the idea that people can get sober (and be happy or not dry) without bsing in AA.
In a short nutshell, i got sober at 19 in AA and was a member for almost 5 years. I left for a multitude of reasons, and it was a slpw thing that just happened and always stayed in toich with my sponsor. I saw the promises take shape in my life; things I loved about it, things I didnt care for but my fewlong was if I need it it is there and I know that and it was comforting.
Fast forward I had been sober 10 years, super happy, married to a person i did not think existed and about to have my first baby (i always wanted to be a mom more then anythong) - she was planned, we were āreadyā and it was like a SWITCH. I had not thought of drinking in probably 9 pf those 10 sober years, and suddenly i was questioning whether or not I could have 1. I drank very occassionally (every 3 or 4 months 1-4 regular size beers). I never bought it, or wdnt out it was only if I felt like it and if there was beer at home from my husband. I have always been around people who drink through my sobriety and the presence of alcohol never bothered me after that first year or around then, and I had never been tempted (maybe a thought once and a while when people looked like thsy were having fun, that thought of like wow that does look like fun i wish i could have enjoyed it like that - but even those thpights were super rare).
I tried going back to AA bc i knew i didnt want to be drinking, no matter the amount and tried for about 1.5-2 years and if just wasnt clicking. Things that made sense, i was seeing in new ways and I very much felt left out as a woman and new mom (i tried a few womens meetings, but in that time met no new moms and only 1 mom. That left me feeling super isolated, and also like I was the problem and so was my thinking and if I didnt get it right then its bc I was just being dry, dishonest with myself and living in my ego. I lost my daughter and thats when I left AA, or stopped tryinf ro go because it already felt like I was an imposter and like it was grating to go - i was in such a vulnerable time I just thpught, i cannot spiritually argue with this issue anymore. I felt I processed the loss of our daughter pretty well, i honestly felt so much gratituxe for the short time we had with her and a real warmth around her life. I would not say I was traumatized by her death at all, it was devastating but I thinkā¦i felt a lot of grace too. Our grieving process was interrupted by covid, and the challenge we were going theough also felt a bit lost because evefyone was now struggling.
We had a son, and moved to the country. Something we always wanted. Through these years Id say my drinking did go up to around once a month, but when trying to get pregnant and theough the pregnancies i never drank. I never had a black out, and over the 6 years i had only drank too much 3 times (where I threw up the next day). I think part of me wondered about what this all meant about control, what did it mean about me and my relationship with alcohol. I still wanted to not drink and put it dowb, but also felt I wasnt sure why i couldnt get AA anymore and felt generally lost. I hadnt drank in front of my kids, and nevwr while they were awake.
Everything changed last year. My sister, who was my other half, was murdered and I feel like everything has collapsed. The experience of the system, justice and family court and dealing with protective services for my nephew (which happens automatically in domestic violence cases like this) has been very awful. Our coysin was really supporting my mom at first, and since then I have assumed the role of taking care of almost everything. We renovated our home for my nephew to live with us, who has a severe disabilty and it has been very difficult becayse we are very rural and have no family around. I have managed almost everything for his life, dealing with the lawyer and courts as well. My mom and husband both have been havinf a challenging time as well, so i felt it was my sort of roll to keep an even temperment and be positive. I was also taking care of the children and took the time off work.
I am in a nutshell exhausted and i think i may have PTSD though i am not sure. I feel I had an epiphany the other week regardinf a lot of things about the space I am in, and also started working through my triggers and my tool belt. I have a therapist who is amazing and I am so grateful she is in my life. She is the one who actually introduced me to the idea that, you know peopoe do get sober withput AA. I am in my 30s and can I tell you i just did not think there was anpther way, or that if people didnt go to AA they probably found a way to drink or just drank and if they were sober they were dry and unhappy. I know that I dont know my therapist, but she does not seem unhappy to me. Then i was thinking, its just her. People cant just GET SOBER āon their ownāā¦and I dont know why i looked up this app, i just did it.
And I would love to hear more from people who are sober without AA or using it as a hybrid. I love the steps and I am going over the first 3, and I have opened a 4th I hope to share with my therapist. Im just, im so curious and also i feel so spiritually desperate. I had 11 days and was feeling this new wave over me, and then I took an ativan (prescribed for the anxiety since my sisters murder) and it led to a dribk (I have noticed this connection before). I have turned in the Ativan, and want to keep going here. I am so scared with butterflies in my stomach. Please share with me your stories, tips and advice. I would love to hear about other ways to heal and growā¦
? That would be this gal, not one single 
Iāll take the latter. And, Iāve suffered enough thank you very much. Iām good for now, but thanks anyway.
