I love to laugh! If you do too, let’s share a funny one!
A woman was married to a horrible horrible spouse. She stayed with him for years, despite his issues, taking care of him. She grew tired but felt it was her wifely duty. Then she became ill and died. She’s so relieved and happy that she’s away from the husband who drained her. So, she goes to heaven and meets St. Peter at the gates of heaven. She says to St. Peter, “what do I have to do to get in here?” He says,“you have to spell a word. Spell LOVE.” She exclaims, “L-O-V-E!” He says welcome! But, he said he has to speak to God for a sec. Could she watch the gate? She says yes of course. While she waits, her husband comes stumbling toward her. She couldn’t believe it! She says, “what are you doing here??!!” He says,"I was so upset that you died, I got drunk and crashed into a tree. Say, is this Heaven? What do I have to do to get in here?!’ She crosses her arms, looks at him sternly, and says,“you have to spell Czechoslovakia!”
You should share them Bec, Don’t keep them to yourself, I love dad jokes. pretty please. 
My wife told me i needed to stop acting like a flamingo…
Well, I had to put my foot down
HeHe, wow that was pretty bad. 
keep them coming… 
Love it.
How do you drown a hipster? Throw them into the main-stream…
And just the other day I invented a new word!!!
Plagiarism
But my fav…
What do inbred families do for Halloween?
Pump-kin
I apologise in advance.
Lord Cranston-Snord had a butler called Waddle.
It was late evening and the Lord was beginning to feel tired.
“That was a lovely lentil curry Waddle.” He said appreciatively, “Could you pour me a bath and then you can retire for the evening”
“Very Good M’lud”
Lord Cranston-Snord was relaxing in the bath and the inevitable side effects of the lentil curry started to kick in. He had thought of getting a jacuzzi but now
he decided that he might not need one after all. A couple of minutes later Waddle appeared at the door with a water bottle.
“Good Heavens man, what is that for? I thought I said you could retire for the evening!”
“You did Sir, but as I passed your door I distinctly heard you say:l
‘Oi, waddaboudawaderboddlewaddle?’”
I’d love to share my jokes but they’re super offensive
I can really only remember one joke and I would share but it’s really crude and pure filth (it makes me cringe when I tell it, for some reason I’ve never forgotten it?)…so I’ll hold off and just read what you other lovely folks have got. 
I was driving along and had to stop because there were sheep all over the road. A farmer knocked on my window. He said “I’ve got 49 sheep. Can you help me round them up?”
I said “Sure. You’ve got 50 sheep”. 
My favourite joke is more of a one liner from the great Norm Mcdonald - “you know the more I hear about Hitler, the less I like the guy”
donald trump opened a book.
The end.
amazing!
Please pm me
Thank you @Becsta awesome, keep them coming. You’ve made my day better my friend. see how easy it is to positively affect another person, my life is better now because of one small act of kindness 
I was talking to a fellow divorcee. The conversation went like this:
Me “what happened?”
Him “My wife was awful. She spent all our money on shoes, spent the day watching TV, then she’d go out with her friends without me and…”
Me “You must have something good to say about her.”
Him “OK, she was a good house keeper”
Me: “See!”
Him “Yes. She kept the house.”
A man was hospitalized with five plastic horses shoved up his arse. Doctors described his condition as stable.