Beard and the hair (eventually it had to be put up bc hot) were on point I tell you!! Despite the fact i had been up since five am!! I finally had to go home early to the puppos at 115 AM. Had been there for six hours plus at that point.
Did get some new beard and hair envy and corresponding goals.
That’s what you meant right? Haha.
Surreal. I thought it might be so – but it was in ways that I never imagined. There was a point or two where something in the air made my eyes water slightly — really crazy. Maybe smoking? But whatever it was in the air passed before anyone may have mistook me for crying. Goat did not cry.
It seemed that his last wishes shown throughout the show (not sure if it was the “Note” or not IDK if they specified) were well thought out, acknowledging the amazing things in life he had done and the gratitude for those around him for when he was gone. It was so calculated and not rash.
Despite seeing all of this around him, he was still in too much pain to see another day. Two years ago from this show – I couldn’t see any good around me. I hadn’t achieved anything I was proud of. I didn’t know what gratitude even was. All I could see was what I didn’t have and now I can see where that got me – mentally, spiritually, and physically bankrupt.
It isn’t that I need to make sense of why --by its nature it is irrational. But it scares me down deep into my core b/c I know that part of him is part of me too. Part of all of this sobriety for me has been having others act as mirrors for me. Seeing what that part can do to others means it can do the same to me. Goat is not unique. I guess it is that I want the red flag to stake out there so that if it gets tripped, I have enough lead time to avoid that fate.
One of his songs keeps coming back to me in all of this from what happened and the spiritual experience I had that day two years ago… You can’t do this alone. Kenny Roby played that song last night and it was just soooo different from the dozens of times I have heard it before (I always joked that it would be the name of my flannel shirt line lol), Real Country Dark.
As I started down the street one day
A man came up to me, and he did say:
“You can’t spend your time all alone”
I said: “what do you think you know”
I probably could have used a little help
But as usual I refused
'Cause help to me always just
It felt like abuse
Help felt like abuse
I have been working a bit more than normal, so there has been no meditation on this, but I think I know where it is taking me.
In typical Goat fashion – the performers eventually found themselves largely around me after their performances were over. That always happened to me when I was drinking and I always was convinced that it was because I was so much fun!
I guess it must be my Goat magnetivismism. That’s actually how I met Neal the first time. I was the only guy in the venue that knew all his solo material from the early years pretty much word for word. He was poking at me in the show and then grabbed me afterwards to talk. Then there were the Hazy Malaze shows in that dark divey bar that had the old Christmas lights up year round. Life felt so special then, like I was in on a big secret.
The CATS set was amazing (if you get the opportunity to see CATS DO It), as was JRAD sans Marco. Steve Earle was there. And Chris Robinson looked so not Chris Robinson. He sounded amazing, but CRB was missing Neal’s harmony and that sound of his guitar. It was just sooooo different.
